I’ll let you in to a secret.  I know there’s something I’m supposed to write, but I almost never know what I’m writing about until the article comes out.

That seems weird.  I should know my writing content, but it seldom works that way.  I usually think I know where it’s going … But I’m usually surprised in some ways.

This has been a trying time for me for the last 3 weeks. During this period time I have become re-connected with my mortality.  The stroke took more from me than I am willing to admit.  And it gave some things to me too.

Since my stroke I’ve been struggling with linguistics and language.  I know the word I want to use… But I can’t remember how to say it.  I’ve become facile in finding an analog word.  It took me ten minutes to figure how to say “inoculation“.  I know the word. I understand the word.  I can even spell the word, but there is a part of my word processing brain isn’t working like it used to.  I have to learn again.

Bringing the word to my consciousness is moving slower than it used to.  I was trying to give an example two days ago and struggled to bring the cognitive thoughts so I could create the example.  I know the idea, but the words wouldn’t come.  I couldn’t remember how to verbalize my ideas.  Very frustrating.

Before my stroke I’d never stuttered or stammered.  Now I’ve found some new stammering and stuttering ability.  As a guy who was one of the top of the top professional speakers, this is new territory.  It is scary.

As long as I can remember, I’ve been one of the quickest, smartest guys in the room.  I’ve been in the top 3-4% of ability to cognate, think, verbalize, and communicate.  It was a gift that was natural; it was easy for me. I got a 3.98 GPA in under-grad school (I made a B+ once); I made all A’s in grad and post-grad work.  I was the classic over-achiever/nerd.

My humor is still good, but I can’t get the joke out with any effective timing.  Trying to joke reminds me of the classic horrible joke tellers I knew… Now I am one.

My decline of my abilities has taken a toll on my confidence.  Or it’s made me more human.  Or both.  I’m in new un-charted waters again.  The medico says there is nothing “permanent” damage.  They’ve said I’ll have to practice and learn and push it to get my linguistic abilities back.  It’s slow.

I was in a promotion process 20 days later after my stroke.  Some of my confidants advised me to “sit out” this round.  Some were encouraging.  I considered recusing myself.  I’m glad I went through the process.  And I learn some things.

Going through the process wasn’t pretty.  I stammered, searched for the right word, sounded too emphatic at the wrong time, and didn’t complete ideas I presented.  It seems like my ability to lucidly present an idea disappeared in a moment.  Poof!  Needless to say I was not selected… And rightfully so.

And like I said there were some gifts….

My docs have given up on my eating patterns. They didn’t suggest changing diet or losing weight.  They decided more medication was the best route (this isn’t the gift).  But my eyes are more wide open than ever.  On my decision I’ve radically changed my diet.  I have not had any refined sugar since getting out of the hospital.  This has NEVER happened to me.

My name is Jay and I’m a sugar-addict.  Recovering.  For me, my white powder drug of choice has always been sugar.  Yes, I might of killed a few people in the way, but the process of becoming sugar-free may be one of the greatest things I can do for myself.  I’ve been sugar-sober for 21 days.

According to the BMI (body mass index) I am considered overweight until my weight drops below 199 pounds.   When I just finished OTS (US Air Force Officer Training School) I was about 200 pounds at 27 years of age.  That was 60 pounds and almost 30 years ago.  At my fattest I was 320 pounds.  When I was admitted to the hospital I was about 260.  Now I’m 234 and dropping.  My goal is 199.  Yay, goals.

My title means life isn’t certain.  When I think I know about the “zig”–Life gives me a “zag”.  I do lived a blessed life…. And as I’ve read and said… “I’m Not in Charge“.

Of course, your mileage may vary

Dr Jay