It’s been a while since I’ve published any articles.  I didn’t plan on being so absent from my blog.   I seem more tentative in writing in my ‘post-stroke’ days.  Sad, really….

I’ve been having more challenges that I want to admit.  I was planning to do some speech therapy and planning go back to my life as normal…. But not so fast, it turns out.  Not so fast at all.

I planned on take the requisite 20-30 light duty days and transition back to my old world. I am a patrol officer for a medium city.  I take my profession serious and my obligation to the public and my organization very seriously.  We are short-staffed and my team needs me.   Apparently I’m sitting out for another month and perhaps more.  The doc said this takes time.

Mentally I think I’m back to the challenge. Verbally I’m not sure.  One of the therapist put a name on it “apraxia of speech”.  The American Stroke Association (ASA) defines it:

Apraxia of speech most often follows a stroke that affects the language-dominant hemisphere of the brain. It is usually associated with damage to the areas of the brain supplied by the left, middle cerebral artery. Apraxia of speech may range in severity from a complete inability to speak to very mild, barely detectable distortions of speech.

For me, usually I know the words I want to say. I understand the language. I recognize them if I read or hear them, I can even spell them. But I can’t remember how to pronounce the word.  This is a real challenge for me.  There are other issues…

I didn’t realize how much losing a large part of my verbalization ability upset my apple cart until one of my colleague told me how she saw it…. She said I as a very articulate communicator and could use words in a way 99% of the world will never have that ability.  “But now since your stroke, you’re having to identify who you are all again…”  Her insight hit me like a Mack truck. I’ve lost my identity.  No wonder she is called “human extraordinaire”.

We have concepts of who we are that give us identity.  I’m a good dad. I am a great cook.  I’m a smart dude.  I can speak in front of crowds. I am a ‘crazy-whisperer’.  And my list goes on.  I’ve identified myself as a great ‘talker’.  Now that identity has been taken; my new identity as stuttering, stammering, can’t-remember-how-to-pronounce-words-guy, and use-the-wrong-word-guy leaves me feeling lost.

The best tool a police officer has is the brain.  The tool that works along with this is the ability to talk.  I’ve avoided numerous violent incidents by effective verbalization.  I’ve diffused hundreds of possibly negative issues by talking.  The best negotiators are able to verbalize and communications alternatives and better solutions.  This is Police 101.  And my tool is damaged.   The ASA said it make take 6-12 months (if ever) to get the abilities back to pre-stroke abilities.  Rats to my plans…

And there’s another wrinkle….PBA (pseudobulbar affect)...  This isn’t all that common (about 38% of stroke survivors have symptoms).  It is a condition associated with strokes, TBI (traumatic brain injury), MS (multiple sclerosis), or other neurological issues. The result: sudden, unpredictable crying, laughing, or other emotional episodes that can be disruptive and embarrassing.  And I found about it by mistake. These are not good traits of a street cop.  I have my work cut out for me.

One of my fear is I won’t get back to pre-stroke abilities.  This scares the crap out of me.  No matter of your best laid plans, sometimes else will change ones trajectory…I guess it really is true…. I’m not in charge. I know I’ll do my part to heal and I’ll just hang on for the ride!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay