Author: Jay Irvin

Servant Leadership

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

Servantleadership

I was looking through some leadership and management lesson plans from 10 years ago.  I wasn’t just strolling down memory lane….I was on a mission.  My sergeant (knowing my teaching history) asked me to send some leadership/supervisory training material to her.

My sergeant is doing a great job (from my perspective), particularly for a first year supervisor.  And when, as a boss you wanna learn more, this is a good thing.  But I digress.

As I looked through my old work, I was reminded of some leadership fundamentals that I just take for granted.  I assume everybody knows what I know.  The truth is good leadership can be a scarce commodity.

To me the definition of leadership is simple:

Leadership = Influence

I know there are many more complex definitions of leadership, but I think there is more profundity in simplicity.  Either that, or I’m just a simple guy.

Reading back over my teaching notes and looking at my slides I see an obvious connection between attitude and leadership.

So you know, I define attitude as:

The perspective or lens you use to view the world.

Here’s the slide that jumped out at me:

ParadigmDifferences

I know effective leadership is “Esteem based” not “Ego based”, yet how many times do I let my ego get in my way of being effective?  Don’t answer, it’s too many times.

It happened recently. I didn’t feel supported in an issue at work this week (Not involving my sergeant, to be clear).  As I worked through the issue, I know I wasn’t as effective as I could have been because I had a ‘need to be right’.  My ego got in the way.  Good thing I’m still learning and growing as a human….

When I was about 16 or 17 years old a boss told me “To be a good leader you must have a big ego”.  In hindsight, I think he was just trying to justify his huge ego because he was the boss.

I think what my slide really refers to what is called ‘servant leadership‘.  It’s the opposite of ‘power driven’ leadership.

I’m no expert, but I know it when I experience it.  And I hope it’s something I demonstrate it on occasion.   It’s a living example of Ziglar’s “You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want”.

Servant leadership requires working for the greater good.  As a public servant I know this.  Now if I can only live what I know!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Do Be Have

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

BeDoHave2

Years ago I uncovered an idea…. The Do-Be-Have model.  I always thought it was something that came to me out of my consciousness, but I’m sure I heard or read it somewhere.

This was pre-internet. This was when real ink and paper books mattered. I was a voracious reader then (1-2 books a week). I was a military officer (Captain in the US Air Force) and was writing intermittently.

I was going to write a major self-help/pop psychology book.  My working title was:  3 Realities of Life.  I even had a concept for the cover art.  It was about this time (mid/late 1980’s) that the Do-Be-Have model percolated to my mind.  It was Part I of my book.

In short, the Do-Be-Have model is about who we are and how we see ourselves.  It’s about self-identity…. paradigms….the lens you use to view the world.

In Western culture very often we identify who we are by what we DO.  This is the essence of a business card.  And the perennial question at a dinner party…. “So, what do you DO?”  We summarize what we do in one statement.  I’m a street-cop. I teach kids. I work for Intel. I’m retired. I’m a golfer….

The other way we often identify who we are is by what we HAVE.  “I have a doctorate” (I HAVE a college degree) or “I’m a mother” (I HAVE children).  Or I’m a home-owner or I drive a Mercedes or I have cancer or I am a blonde….

Very seldom do we identify ourselves by what we BE.  The essence of humanity is to exist.  We just are.  One of the challenging assignments I have given my classes over the years is to describe oneself by “who you BE”…. without referring what you have or what you do.  Try it… it’s challenging.

If we figure out first who we are (BE) then we can decide what we want to HAVE  (goals, aims, directions) and combine those (Be+Have=Behave).  Behave tells us what to DO.

In our culture we have the order backwards.  We DO first, then figure out what we want to HAVE and usually never worry about BE until a crisis hits.  If we decide we want to HAVE more, we DO more.  This is an illusion, but DOing is limited.  BEing is not limited.  The truth is if we BE more our HAVE will increase.

Part I of the book was Do-Be-Have ….. in great detail.

Part II was the 3 Realities… They are:

  • Reality… The way the world really is… Independent of your bias or mine.  True reality.  No spin.
  • Industreality…. The way the world works.  Girls do this; boys do that.  There is “black or white” “good or bad”. The world of implicit and explicit biases. The why-everything-works-as-it-does reality.  The reality of limitations. Why a runner can’t break a 4 minute mile barrier.  Why carbon based fuel is the future. And other “rules” that will consistently be broken by innovative thinkers and do-ers.
  • Surreality…. The reality of the imagination.  This is the only way to achieve dreams that are worth.  The ability to act “as if” and move through industreality into a new reality that you have created.  This is what Thoreau wrote about.

Part III was how to implement these ideas into practice and move from Industreality to your own Reality.

I haven’t written the book (yet).  I did, however, live the 3 Realities of Life.

I moved from my Industreality of violence and sexual abuse as a child: to my reality of protecting the abused and prosecuting the abusers.

I moved from the Industreality of my family of origin issues; to my reality of having  great family.

I moved from the Industreality of being diagnosed with ‘terminal’ cancer with six months to live; to my Reality of becoming cancer-free five years later.

I moved from the Industreality of losing my health, my job, my family, my business, going bankrupt, and being told “you’re too old”; to my Reality of becoming a street-cop at age 50+.

Maybe I will write that book… maybe…

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

How to Waste Time

Jay Irvin humor, Uncategorized, writing ,
  1. Get new toys.
  2. Meet new people.
  3. Try a chat room.
  4. Reddit
  5. Cat videos
  6. Seinfeld reruns
  7. Read DVR instructions
  8. Wrap presents
  9. Brush the cat
  10. Fill the dog water
  11. Text a joke
  12. Program your security system
  13. Check out the video on your system
  14. Read a blog
  15. Fiddle with Facebook settings
  16. Search for new FB friends
  17. Connect your freckles with a marker
  18. Scratch your dog’s belly
  19. Scratch your own belly
  20. Watch a commercial
  21. Flip through the channels during a commercial
  22. Check your mailbox
  23. Read your junk mail
  24. Send the response envelopes back empty
  25. Organize your Q-Tips
  26. Sanitize your toothbrush
  27. Clip your nails
  28. Buff your cuticles
  29. Make a snarky list for your blog
  30. Look for snarky lists on blogs
  31. Recycle your coffee grounds
  32. Feed your pets
  33. Pet your pets
  34. Take out the trash
  35. Sort the recycle
  36. Fiddle with your Facebook settings
  37. Google
  38. Reddit again
  39. Read the fine print
  40. Wait on hold
  41. Organize your floss drawer
  42. Think about grade school
  43. Read this til the end
  44. Practice a chuckle

Of course….. your mileage may vary

Dr Jay

Why Failure is Good

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

FailureChinese

Failure can be good for you.  I should know… I’ve done my share of it.

I didn’t always think this way.  I used to judge life by the success I achieved.   I even changed my definition of success  so I could enjoy more success and not have to admit my failures.

“If I learn something from any situation, the learning itself is a success”.       I told myself.

Because I decided to learn something from every situation I didn’t experience much I defined as “failure”.    And I may not have had the growth opportunities associated with failure.

Here are some of my “failures”:

I failed to retire from the US Air Force.  I served 12 years I only had 8 more years of active duty to retire.  Had I done that I would have a pension and health care for life.  Sure, I learned… but not getting a military retirement is a failure.

I failed to stay married.  I’ve been divorced twice.  Yep, I learned a lot from divorce…. But they were still painful…. And I think there are better ways to learn.

I never became a famous chef/restaurant owner.  I got out of the military and pursued my big dream.  I was gonna be the next Emeril Lagasse.   I opened a series of restaurants. I did well in my restaurants.  I earned over a million bucks a year.  And I had some local notoriety.  But my TV and cookbook deals never came.  I couldn’t even get Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives to come to my last joint….. And of course I learned….

I was a professional speaker, making a living talking and training.  I wrote a couple of books…. I even contracted as an adjunct college professors…. But I didn’t sustain my business after 9/11.  I packed it in and re-branded myself as a therapist.

I found some success as a therapist…. but the economic downturn “accelerated my learning” and I moved on….

Now I’m a street cop.  I was rejected for the first six additional duties I applied for.  The rejection is a great learning tool, but in reality I failed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.  Yep… life is full of failures. And so am I….

I’ll tell you what failure is not:

  • Failure is not avoidable.

Failure is not something to be avoided. Denis Waitley says it’s “Fertilizer for success”.  No true success comes without significant failure.

  • Failure is not an event.

Failure, like life and success, is a journey.  There is not one defining circumstance that spells “failure” or “success”.  As long as we continue we have not failed.

  • Failure is not the enemy.

In fact, I’d recommend making failure a friend.

  • Failure is not irreversible.

One of the biggest failures in retail happened in 1985 when Coca-Cola changed the 99 year old recipe for Coke.  Consumers hated it. It only took the company 77 days to bring back and re-brand “Classic Coke”.   The executive that created the fiasco was fired.  And then re-hired  a few years later.

  • Failure is not final.

Failure is only final if you quit.

  • Failure is not a stigma.

Rather, I should say “Failure should not be a stigma”.  FedEx founder Fred Smith told about one of his execs making a $300,000.00 blunder in the early days of the fledgling overnight company.  The executive came in prepared to resign his position after the failure came to light.  Fred wouldn’t accept his resignation.  Fred said “No way I’m losing you, I just invested $300K in your education”

  • Failure is not the goal.

Although I’m coming to grips with the ups and downs in my path, I’m not on the hunt for my next “failure”.  What I do know is that the only person who doesn’t make mistakes (fail) is the person who doesn’t do anything.  And I’m not that guy.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

 

Becoming Stress Resistant

Jay Irvin bravery, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

 

Stress2

I work in a violent field.  I know it’s not politically correct to say that, but it’s true.  While most (98%) of my interactions are civil I am paid and trained to be violent when needed.

Ask any police officer and most will tell you they don’t like violence. But they prepare to be violent when needed.

This very nature of policing is a little schizophrenic. On one hand we don’t like violence, we try to prevent violence, we take steps to avoid violence, we protect the vulnerable from violence….And on the other hand we meet violence with over-whelming violence.  It’s ironic.   And it’s stressful.

Yesterday I attended a critical incident debrief for a situation I was involved in.  This was a peer support debrief with multiple agencies.  There were about a dozen policing professionals at the meeting.

Because of the confidential nature of these briefings I will not disclose the incident or agencies….. But my attendance got me thinking….

One of the things police officers must do is become stress resistant.  We must inoculate ourselves against stress. It’s similar to getting a ‘flu shot’.  It’s not always perfect, but it’s the best we can do against getting ‘sick’.

How do we give ourselves (as police or anybody else) these stress inoculations?   Here are some ways to keep your sanity:

  1. Participate in good training.  Continue learning.  It doesn’t matter if your organization does the training or if it’s one you had to find and fund for yourself…. Do the training.   Train like you work (or fight).  Treat learning as a mandatory part of your job.  Look for learning lessons in every situation so you can always grow.   Budget a certain amount of time and money each month in your own education.  Continue to learn and grow.
  2. Vary your interests.  Be good at multiple things.  If you only do one thing, you’ll become proficient at that one thing…. But you’ll probably become very imbalanced.  For police officers there must be more than “the job”.  Learn to cook.  Write a blog. Study botany. Coach little league. Build furniture. Learn to weld. Build model airplanes. Do something that is NOT cop related. Become good at these additional pursuits.
  3. Remember your family/community.  Stay connected.  It’s easy to disconnect from those who aren’t “on the job”.  Make sure you protect your family time.  Keep a date night.  Remember to play with your kids.  Call your mom or dad… take them flowers.  Sit and visit with family and do NOT talk about work.  If you don’t have family adopt a grandpa or grandma from a care facility.  They’ll appreciate the company and you’ll learn a different perspective.
  4. Allow yourself to be human.  Everybody has weaknesses.  While you may work to overcome your issues, don’t blow them out of proportion and don’t feed into them.  You’re human.  Let yourself be human.  Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The public and the media often have unrealistic expectations for police and public servants.  Most of us are doing the absolute best we can with the tools, equipment, and training we have.  If your head and heart are in the ‘right place’ let the negative expectations of being a super-hero go.
  5. Work to solve your own problems.  Life isn’t fair. Sometimes things won’t go your way.  This seems counter-intuitive to reducing your own stress. It’s not.   Don’t expect the administration or union solve your issues.  You have to look out for you. Know there are many resolutions to any problem and you have to figure the solution that works for you.  If you have raised children you know how important it is to teach children how to problem solve.  Don’t forget to do it for yourself.
  6. Live healthy.  This means something different for everybody.  As I get older I realize less overtime is more healthy for me.  As a young guy I loved the big paycheck…. Not so healthy for me now.  It will be different for you…. Does this mean working out more?  Lowering your cholesterol? Finding a spiritual community you enjoy?  Getting a better mattress for better sleep?  Taking a fishing vacation?  Losing 10 pounds?  Cutting out tobacco?  I don’t know for you.  I do know that as you move towards healthier life choices, you become more stress resistant.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list.  You can create your own.

The challenge is to start thinking differently…..

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

Love Thyself

Jay Irvin growth, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, psychology , , , ,

IloveYou

I’ve prescribed a small seemingly silly exercise to dozens of past therapy clients.

It’s an “I love me” exercise. I coach the client to look into a mirror and say “I love you” to themselves aloud. The instruction is to say “I love you” three times while maintaining eye contact with themselves in the mirror.  When they repeat “I love you” they place emphasis on a different word each time they use the phrase.

  1. “I love you”
  2. “I love you”
  3. “I love you“

Yeah, I know it may seem cheesy.  And maybe it is, but I have never had a client deny there was value to this exercise.

Loving one’s self is a challenge for most people.  Most of us have heard things like “He’s too big for his britches” or “She has an awfully high opinion of herself” or “I wish I could buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.”  We’ve been indoctrinated to not love ourselves.

We’ve definitely been indoctrinated not to say “I love you” to ourselves.  We usually think it’s only correct to hear it from another person.  This is not true.  We need to hear it, feel it, and understand self-love, independent of the good opinion of others.

If you begin this practice it may be uncomfortable.  If your loved ones see you doing this, they may question your sanity.  Talking out loud to one’s self is usually suspicious.  When you feel more comfortable with the exercise you can ‘up the ante’. Try this, stand in front of a full length mirror while you’re naked and say “I love you, ALL of you”.  Of course you’ll wanna do that one in private…. Being naked at the mall is definitely frowned upon.

Most clients who stay faithful to this practice notice some internal dialogue shifts within themselves. Personally when I was first coached to try this (about 20 years ago) I noted more smiling at my foibles instead of berating myself for goofy antics.

A minor shift in internal dialogue does not seem like a big deal…. But it is.  If you’re like most of us, you are the harshest critic you have.  This harsh silent internal self-criticism has a devastating cumulative effect.  Release the self-criticism and replace it with self-love.

Most of us can identify our objects of affection easily…. We love our spouses, our kids, our pets, our jobs, even our vehicles.  We love a favorite meal or restaurant.  We love our sports teams. We love a favorite vacation spot.  We love TV shows and sometimes even well-written or acted characters in those shows. We love and idolize stars and actors we do not know. We love music of a particular genre or era.  We love many many things…. Add one more conscious object of affection.  YOU.  Remember to Love Thyself.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Writer’s Block?

Jay Irvin humor, opinion, oregon , , ,

writer's block

I really shouldn’t write about “Writer’s Block”.

When I use this phrase it implies I’m a writer or I know something about writing…. Neither is true.  Yeah, I scratch out blog posts and try to put lucid words on virtual paper, but I’ve never been accused of being a writer.  Yet sometimes I think I have writer’s block.

“Write what pops into your head” was the advice one of my success coaches gave me years ago.  She suggested I capture those random thoughts and then shuffle through the ideas and find a theme.  EB White said “The best writing is rewriting”.   And I believe that…. It’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t wanna simply spit out incoherent ideas that have rattled around in my noggin like a radioactive walnut in a rusty soup can.  OK, maybe if you’ve read my work, you can dispute that…. But, I digress. I want to write ideas that may make life a tiny bit better in some way for somebody. Even if it’s only me.

In my life as a professional speaker and trainer I attended a workshop by the great David Rabiner.  David had two points to become a successful motivational speaker:

  1.  Don’t suck .
  2.  Have something important to say.

I’d like to think these pearls of wisdom will transfer to  writing as well.  I know it seems simplistic, but it’s true.  The first point of being technically proficient, is a big deal.  Unfortunately the only thing I know about grammar is that she was married to grampar.

Having something important to say is all in the mind of the listener or reader.  If you’re a Khloe Kardashian fan you may think her utterances are brilliant and she has something important to say….. For me, I had to Google her name to get it spelled right. I only use the name to comment on what is wrong with society celebrating celebrity for being famous without substance…. Or maybe I’m jealous.

I’ll let you decide if I have anything important to say….

So what that really means is:   Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

No Quick Fixes

Jay Irvin courage, growth, kids, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, parenting, police, problem solving, psychology , , , , , , , ,

KidTVNO

I knew American society was in trouble13 years ago when Dan Rather had an “in-depth” report on drugs in schools that lasted about 2 minutes.  I can’t write a synopsis to this article in 2 minutes, yet here is a major news icon probing an epic issue with a TV presence about the length of a couple of car commercials and calling it “in-depth”.  Yeah, right.

I think our fascination with believing complex problems can be solved or explained quickly goes back decades.

Our problem began in the 1950’s with the proliferation of television.  GI’s came back from World War II and began living the American dream.  They created suburbs, tract housing, the baby-boom, and bought TVs.  Boomers (as we are called) were born from 1946 -1964.  Being children of “the greatest generation” was lost on us for most of our lives.  We knew things our parents couldn’t have imagined (we thought).  We grew up as TV watchers and TV taught us everything we needed to know (we thought).

TV was more influential that society imagined. In the 1950’s most television programming was a spin-off of vaudeville.  Vaudeville was the primary entertainment media before radios and moving pictures.

The 1950’s TV reflected vaudeville values.  TV shows were a way to generate revenue from commercials through wholesome entertainment. Based on success of some shows (I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners)  TV writers created one hour format dramas and half hour format comedies.  The situation comedy was born.  Television was changed forever.

Sitcoms are designed to fit into a half hour time slot with 22 minutes of programming and 8 minutes of commercials.  The plots are usually thin with familiar characters in a familiar setting.  A show usually starts with a misunderstanding or problem (often cloaked in humorous or sarcastic dialogue), a comic interpretation of the problem, and the resolution of the misunderstanding or problem.  All within 30 minutes.

TV drama series weren’t different.  Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Kojak, Star Trek, Baretta, Streets of San Francisco… etc… All had a similar formula: problem,  plot complication, conflict, and resolution.

The tropes, wardrobes, lingo, and attitudes may have been different, but what didn’t change is the resolution of the problem in 30 – 60 minutes.  This subtle suggestion that complex human problems can be solved in 60 minutes crept into the subconscious mindset of most baby-boomers who were subjected to thousands and thousands of hours of this misinformation.

Resolving complex human issues in 30-60 minutes is an illusion.   So is television, but a child absorbing this information does not know what is real and what is illusory.  There’s the problem.  As we know intellectually, are very few quick-fixes for people problems.  We now have a generation of parents/grandparents/teachers/leaders who don’t recognize this. They want results NOW!  They want an “in-depth” analysis in 2 minutes.  They want a “quick fix”. And most of us have no idea where the internal sense of “I want it now” comes from.

As a generation we created faster everything: cars, bikes, clothing (wash & wear), Velcro, home appliances, microwaves.  We built speedier technology:  transistors over tubes,  calculators vs slide rules, the internet, facsimile machines,  mobile phones, computers, going to the moon, and more.  What we can’t do is solve complex societal issues or interpersonal problems through short cuts and technology.  Why?  Because you can’t fool mother nature.

Example: There is no short-cut to parenting.  Kids still go through developmental stages as they have for centuries. Technology can’t replace parental responsibility or human development.  TV isn’t a baby-sitter.

Example:  There is no short-cut to a good marriage.  Partners have to work together through issues.  Hurt feelings are not always cured in 30 minutes or less.  Technology can’t fix a failing marriage.

Example:  Farmers know you can’t fool mother nature.  If a farmer fails to prepare and plant the field there are no “hacks” to make crops grow.  There is a growing season and nature takes the time it takes.  If you harvest too soon the results are not good.  If you delay harvest the results are not good.  A farmer has to work at the speed of nature.  Period.

In contrast with nature, society moves faster as media speed increases.  Organic solutions do not get faster.  We can’t fix people problems in 30 minutes or less.  We’ve got to think like the  farmer… We have to work at the speed of nature.

There is no 2 minute “in depth” analysis.  There are highlights, talking points, main ideas… yes… But solutions go much deeper.  We need to forget about the quick fix when it comes to people problems.  In my job this is not a popular stance.  As a system we have to work on lasting solutions.

I’ve got some ideas to help move us through this problem…. What are yours?

  • Stop settling for the quick fix
  • Observe and understand nature
  • Become more mindful of what’s happening NOW
  • Think like a visionary… think long term… act that way
  • Stop, listen, learn, teach
  • Be patient with change
  • Remember humans are not technology

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

The Hardest Thing I Do

Jay Irvin growth, kids, leadership, oregon, parenting, police , , , , , , , ,

LostChild

If it comes up in conversation I usually say that my job isn’t hard. I explain I’m not paid for what I do… I’m paid for what I can do…  I’m a police officer working as a street cop in a medium sized city.

Whatever you think of police (and all the goofy negative press we’ve gotten recently) isn’t really any of my business.  My business is the “people” business.

Roughly 80% of what I do is engaging with and talking to people…. I help them find solutions for situations and crises that they don’t otherwise have solutions for.

The other 20% of what I do is:

  1. documenting what I did or did not do and
  2. training for what I do or do not do.

Like I said, it’s relatively an easy job.

I’ll admit, policing does have challenges:

  • Dealing with people on the worst day of their lives
  • Not having a “fix” when the public thinks I should have one
  • Being constantly targeted by real bad guys or people that would harm me because of my uniform
  • Being under a microscope 100% of the time
  • Either being run down by boredom or freaked out by extreme stress
  • Working shift work on a 24/7 clock (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc)
  • Being unable to be in all places at all times
  • Facing all the weather elements
  • Other drivers and traffic
  • Seeing things that can’t be ‘unseen’
  • Dealing with the seedy under-belly of society
  • And a 1,000 other challenges

But these are run-of-the-mill challenges.  The hardest thing I do is deal with kids.

Yesterday we responded to a fight in progress.  The caller reported two men fighting in the grass.  We found a father wrestling his 11 year old son to prevent the son from running away.  The boy was angry, sullen and almost non-communicative.  I thought he was mentally delayed or autistic.  He was not.  He’s just angry…. At 11 years old.  Dad, a non-English speaker, wanted the boy to go to a juvenile facility because of his aggression.  True, the boy was aggressive– he tried to kick and strike a police officer– but there is not a police solution for an 11 year old.

I could only wonder what issues created this aggression in the child.   As a father and an old guy, my heart was wrenching with his pain.  But there is no solution.  It was hard, but we finally got the conflict resolved for the moment….  Father and son climbed into the family van (where the rest of the family had been waiting for 90 minutes) and left back to a neighboring city where they reside.  It was hard to witness.

I got a call about a 13 year old who was ready to hang himself.  This was not the first suicide attempt…. He’d tried before at 11 years old…. but was unsuccessful.  There were marks on his young neck from the attempt 2 years ago.  Mom and step-dad were yelling when I arrived.  Yelling at each other and passive-aggressively including sniping remarks about the boy.   They were concerned about how much it was going to cost them because “he’s f***ing up again”.  I wanted to take them to jail…. but I couldn’t.  I drove the 13 year old to the hospital to get some help….. I checked back a couple of weeks later and the family moved out of town.  It was hard to not be able to follow through and help more.

My partner and I walked through the dark woods to a tree house about 200 yards from the home.  Up in the darkness was a 15 year old boy.  The tree house sat beside the creek and there was a rope swing across the creek.  The boy fashioned a noose out of the rope swing and had it around his neck.  He was gathering the courage to jump and end it all.  We were able to talk him out of the tree house to safety and get him help.  The hardest part was knowing how close we came to finding a dead 15 year old swinging in the darkness.  All because of parents selfish and ignorant rejection of his sexual identity and confusion.

A neighbor called in at 5:45am one morning…. Two kids (ages 5 and 3) were going from door to door knocking because they were afraid.  A rat ran through their apartment and there were no parents home.  I found the kids were alone since about 9:00pm the night before. Apparently this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.  Dad was off in another city on a construction job and mom had a new boyfriend.  Mom decided to leave a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy alone because she needed to spend time cheating on her husband with a new, more exciting man.  It took 10 hours to get mom to return the phone calls.  Child service workers, police detectives, even her husband tried to get her to call but she would not.  Yes, she was arrested, but it’s still hard to know these beautiful sweet kids probably don’t have a chance with a mom like this.

The 11 month old baby was alone screaming in the child seat in the back of the car.  As much as it disturbed me, I was happy to hear the child scream.  The child had wriggled around in the seat and she was close to getting her neck caught in the webbing of the car seat and seat belt.  Once caught in the webbing the child would have strangled. Then there would have been no screaming.  As officers broke into the car to rescue the baby I went into Macy’s to find a parent.   She was an apparently cosmopolitan mother who was “just making a return” on an item.  She was in the store almost 40 minutes (according to the security video I found) when she came shrieking out the door.   She saw all the police lights and activity around her car she was mortified… Not that she’d almost lost a child…But that we would take her baby out of the car….Apparently police were ‘interfering’ in her life.

A next-door  neighbor called because the kids across the hall weren’t in school.  I found 3 kids there.  They’d been alone 2 days.  They were 5, 8, and 11 years old.  The house was wretched, stinky, and unsafe.  There was fetid meat rotting on the counter top.  Flies, gnats, and maggots were buzzing and crawling in the over-flowing garbage can. Bags of rancid garbage sat beside the full canister. The kids hadn’t eaten in 2 days.  They had munched on dry cereal and tortilla chips. But the cereal and chips were all gone now.

I found fresh eggs and cheese in the fridge. I scrubbed a fry pan from the filthy sink.  And while my partner tried to find mom and I waited on child services to arrive, I cooked.  In my uniform, on a crud encrusted stove, in a nasty apartment I was a hero to 3 kids.  They were amazed that a man (much less a cop) could and would cook for them.  The kids ate a dozen cooked eggs with cheese.  With some coaching, the kids cleaned the apartment and took out the trash.  When mom was finally contacted she asked “What’s the problem?”  The hardest part was …. well you get the picture.

And the list goes on:   the 3 year old lost on a busy street…. the autistic girl wandering away from the park… the boy who hits his mother and aunt and is then beaten severely by dad….the 12 year old ‘fire bug’ who stole his grandpa’s lighter… or the girl smacked in the face with a wooden spoon (because she cried)…. or dozens of other stories… And knowing what I do makes only a little difference…..That is the hardest thing I do….

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Dirty Dozen Bad Leadership Ideas

Jay Irvin growth, humor, leadership, oregon , , , , , ,

bad-boss

There’s so much written on being a good leader, I thought I’d look at the other side of leadership.

So here goes.  Here’s my “Dirty Dozen” of poor leadership.

  1.  Remember intimidation is almost as good as leadership.  (And it’s quicker) Always keep ’em in their place. Never back down from letting them know who’s the boss.  “Because I said so” is a great refrain to keep this attitude going.  Challenge subordinates to “just try me” when they have a different opinion than you.
  2. Treat everybody the same.  You never have to understand differences between staff members.  You don’t have to gyrate your style to meet the needs of others, after all, you are the boss. They have to adapt to your style, not the other way around!
  3. Take credit for all success.  As the boss you are the reason there is success here anyway.  Remember everything rises on leadership. If it’s good you did it.  If it’s not good, they did it.
  4. Don’t ask for subordinate input.  If they knew anything of value, they’d be in higher positions. And if you need their opinion you’ll give it to them anyway.
  5. Never change your mind. You only need to decide once…. Since situations never change and making decisions is hard work…. Why should you work more than needed?  Once you decide, remain “the decider”.
  6. Flip-Flop Constantly. Reserve the right to change your mind…. early and often.  You need to consistently mix this trait with “Never change your mind”.  Keep ’em guessing.
  7. Don’t Say “Thanks”.  Your team should be grateful to be working with YOU. Not the other way around. They should be thankful to have a job at all.  Saying “Thanks” dilutes your power.
  8. Avoid ‘Hard’ Decisions. Avoid ‘tough’ conversations. If it isn’t pleasant, it’s not your job.  If you do unpleasant tasks your team may think less of you. You recognize popularity is a big deal.
  9. Reward Fluff. Ignore Substance.  What you reward, you get more of.  Your good performers will always provide substance without your input so you need to guarantee fluff by rewards.  Remember, fluff makes good headlines and attracts more positive attention which makes you look better.
  10. Promote “Kissing Up”.  You need to surround yourself with people who agree with you.  No one should question your almighty perceptions or ideas.  Questions lead to new ideas and thinking.  Nobody needs a thinker.  We need do-ers.  Doing without thinking is what got you here. Kissing up keeps this cycle in place.
  11. Transparency is for suckers.  You need to keep your ‘cards close to the vest’,  If anybody knows your business, then you don’t have any.  All leadership decisions and processes must remain closed.  Keep ’em guessing about your plans or vision or mission.  Remember the World War II adage:  “Loose lips sink ships.”
  12. Never worry about Trust.  You motto should be “Always Verify”.  Trust in your people shows weakness.  However, you must demand their trust.  Trust prevents passive aggressiveness and what fun would work be without that?  Sarcasm is the new wisdom. When they start showing trust use plenty of sarcasm to show them the error of their ways.

Hopefully you don’t see yourself in these… If you do, I hope you are willing to consider some growth….

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay