I am haunted by my hospitalist words. It was the next day in the ICU,  after being admitted for my CVA (Cerebrovascular accident).   My doctor spoke with a slight Russian accent.  Her tone was very ‘matter of fact’, like a weather forecast, or like an un-engaged bureaucrat issuing droll hum-drum tax information. She said:

“You’ll never work as a police officer again…. Maybe it’s time you get nice office job”

I was stunned. I thought “you don’t know me”. I was outraged. I was hurt. I couldn’t hear anything else this doctor told me. I insisted that she leave my hospital room. How could this doc know this with such certainty?  I didn’t trust her words.

It’s almost 8 months since she told me this.  I’m still not working as a “real” police officer.  I’m still on light duty.   Her prophecy has slightly cracked my shell and I finally conceded she might be correct.  Last week my speech therapist told me “you’re not progressing as we thought you should have been”.   I still have trouble remembering how to pronounce words.  I can see an object and can identify it, but I cannot remember or say the word to identify the object.   I can’t trust my brain.

I was describing a church pew.  The word “pew” wouldn’t come to my thinking.  I could only remember how to say it when the person I was talking with asked me “pew, right?”  Not that “pew” comes out in conversation very frequently, but it was disturbing I couldn’t remember a word that is this familiar to me.  I can’t trust my vocabulary.

I like to sing.  I’m not a professional singer, but I enjoy it.  I’ve been singing all my life and literally knew the lyrics for over 1,000 songs.  Now I can remember the melody line, but not the lyrics.  This week I spent hours trying to remember the title of our national anthem.  Weird, since I’ve performed “The Star-Spangled Banner” several times.  Now I can remember the title and the opening line — the rest of the lyrics continue to elude me.  It’s frustrating, I can’t trust my memory.

There are more foibles I am unwilling to share in this forum.

I did chat with the city’s disability guru.  She was pleasant, but seemed to know something I wasn’t willing to admit.  She said when I am ready to come back to work it “might not be at the police department”.  Strange she knows more about my possibilties than I know.  I don’t trust the city’s best intentions.

I’ve been very absent writing because it is very hard to write for me right now.  Not the content…. That’s the easy part.  So that I do not sounding like a whiner…. And putting these ideas in readable sentences that make sense…. And not showing my self-disgust for not getting better quickly…. These are the challenges.   I don’t trust my writing.

AFGO— Another freakin’ growth opportunity…. I just don’t trust it….

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay Irvin