opinion

Why Failure is Good

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

FailureChinese

Failure can be good for you.  I should know… I’ve done my share of it.

I didn’t always think this way.  I used to judge life by the success I achieved.   I even changed my definition of success  so I could enjoy more success and not have to admit my failures.

“If I learn something from any situation, the learning itself is a success”.       I told myself.

Because I decided to learn something from every situation I didn’t experience much I defined as “failure”.    And I may not have had the growth opportunities associated with failure.

Here are some of my “failures”:

I failed to retire from the US Air Force.  I served 12 years I only had 8 more years of active duty to retire.  Had I done that I would have a pension and health care for life.  Sure, I learned… but not getting a military retirement is a failure.

I failed to stay married.  I’ve been divorced twice.  Yep, I learned a lot from divorce…. But they were still painful…. And I think there are better ways to learn.

I never became a famous chef/restaurant owner.  I got out of the military and pursued my big dream.  I was gonna be the next Emeril Lagasse.   I opened a series of restaurants. I did well in my restaurants.  I earned over a million bucks a year.  And I had some local notoriety.  But my TV and cookbook deals never came.  I couldn’t even get Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives to come to my last joint….. And of course I learned….

I was a professional speaker, making a living talking and training.  I wrote a couple of books…. I even contracted as an adjunct college professors…. But I didn’t sustain my business after 9/11.  I packed it in and re-branded myself as a therapist.

I found some success as a therapist…. but the economic downturn “accelerated my learning” and I moved on….

Now I’m a street cop.  I was rejected for the first six additional duties I applied for.  The rejection is a great learning tool, but in reality I failed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.  Yep… life is full of failures. And so am I….

I’ll tell you what failure is not:

  • Failure is not avoidable.

Failure is not something to be avoided. Denis Waitley says it’s “Fertilizer for success”.  No true success comes without significant failure.

  • Failure is not an event.

Failure, like life and success, is a journey.  There is not one defining circumstance that spells “failure” or “success”.  As long as we continue we have not failed.

  • Failure is not the enemy.

In fact, I’d recommend making failure a friend.

  • Failure is not irreversible.

One of the biggest failures in retail happened in 1985 when Coca-Cola changed the 99 year old recipe for Coke.  Consumers hated it. It only took the company 77 days to bring back and re-brand “Classic Coke”.   The executive that created the fiasco was fired.  And then re-hired  a few years later.

  • Failure is not final.

Failure is only final if you quit.

  • Failure is not a stigma.

Rather, I should say “Failure should not be a stigma”.  FedEx founder Fred Smith told about one of his execs making a $300,000.00 blunder in the early days of the fledgling overnight company.  The executive came in prepared to resign his position after the failure came to light.  Fred wouldn’t accept his resignation.  Fred said “No way I’m losing you, I just invested $300K in your education”

  • Failure is not the goal.

Although I’m coming to grips with the ups and downs in my path, I’m not on the hunt for my next “failure”.  What I do know is that the only person who doesn’t make mistakes (fail) is the person who doesn’t do anything.  And I’m not that guy.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

 

Becoming Stress Resistant

Jay Irvin bravery, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

 

Stress2

I work in a violent field.  I know it’s not politically correct to say that, but it’s true.  While most (98%) of my interactions are civil I am paid and trained to be violent when needed.

Ask any police officer and most will tell you they don’t like violence. But they prepare to be violent when needed.

This very nature of policing is a little schizophrenic. On one hand we don’t like violence, we try to prevent violence, we take steps to avoid violence, we protect the vulnerable from violence….And on the other hand we meet violence with over-whelming violence.  It’s ironic.   And it’s stressful.

Yesterday I attended a critical incident debrief for a situation I was involved in.  This was a peer support debrief with multiple agencies.  There were about a dozen policing professionals at the meeting.

Because of the confidential nature of these briefings I will not disclose the incident or agencies….. But my attendance got me thinking….

One of the things police officers must do is become stress resistant.  We must inoculate ourselves against stress. It’s similar to getting a ‘flu shot’.  It’s not always perfect, but it’s the best we can do against getting ‘sick’.

How do we give ourselves (as police or anybody else) these stress inoculations?   Here are some ways to keep your sanity:

  1. Participate in good training.  Continue learning.  It doesn’t matter if your organization does the training or if it’s one you had to find and fund for yourself…. Do the training.   Train like you work (or fight).  Treat learning as a mandatory part of your job.  Look for learning lessons in every situation so you can always grow.   Budget a certain amount of time and money each month in your own education.  Continue to learn and grow.
  2. Vary your interests.  Be good at multiple things.  If you only do one thing, you’ll become proficient at that one thing…. But you’ll probably become very imbalanced.  For police officers there must be more than “the job”.  Learn to cook.  Write a blog. Study botany. Coach little league. Build furniture. Learn to weld. Build model airplanes. Do something that is NOT cop related. Become good at these additional pursuits.
  3. Remember your family/community.  Stay connected.  It’s easy to disconnect from those who aren’t “on the job”.  Make sure you protect your family time.  Keep a date night.  Remember to play with your kids.  Call your mom or dad… take them flowers.  Sit and visit with family and do NOT talk about work.  If you don’t have family adopt a grandpa or grandma from a care facility.  They’ll appreciate the company and you’ll learn a different perspective.
  4. Allow yourself to be human.  Everybody has weaknesses.  While you may work to overcome your issues, don’t blow them out of proportion and don’t feed into them.  You’re human.  Let yourself be human.  Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The public and the media often have unrealistic expectations for police and public servants.  Most of us are doing the absolute best we can with the tools, equipment, and training we have.  If your head and heart are in the ‘right place’ let the negative expectations of being a super-hero go.
  5. Work to solve your own problems.  Life isn’t fair. Sometimes things won’t go your way.  This seems counter-intuitive to reducing your own stress. It’s not.   Don’t expect the administration or union solve your issues.  You have to look out for you. Know there are many resolutions to any problem and you have to figure the solution that works for you.  If you have raised children you know how important it is to teach children how to problem solve.  Don’t forget to do it for yourself.
  6. Live healthy.  This means something different for everybody.  As I get older I realize less overtime is more healthy for me.  As a young guy I loved the big paycheck…. Not so healthy for me now.  It will be different for you…. Does this mean working out more?  Lowering your cholesterol? Finding a spiritual community you enjoy?  Getting a better mattress for better sleep?  Taking a fishing vacation?  Losing 10 pounds?  Cutting out tobacco?  I don’t know for you.  I do know that as you move towards healthier life choices, you become more stress resistant.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list.  You can create your own.

The challenge is to start thinking differently…..

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

Love Thyself

Jay Irvin growth, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, psychology , , , ,

IloveYou

I’ve prescribed a small seemingly silly exercise to dozens of past therapy clients.

It’s an “I love me” exercise. I coach the client to look into a mirror and say “I love you” to themselves aloud. The instruction is to say “I love you” three times while maintaining eye contact with themselves in the mirror.  When they repeat “I love you” they place emphasis on a different word each time they use the phrase.

  1. “I love you”
  2. “I love you”
  3. “I love you“

Yeah, I know it may seem cheesy.  And maybe it is, but I have never had a client deny there was value to this exercise.

Loving one’s self is a challenge for most people.  Most of us have heard things like “He’s too big for his britches” or “She has an awfully high opinion of herself” or “I wish I could buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.”  We’ve been indoctrinated to not love ourselves.

We’ve definitely been indoctrinated not to say “I love you” to ourselves.  We usually think it’s only correct to hear it from another person.  This is not true.  We need to hear it, feel it, and understand self-love, independent of the good opinion of others.

If you begin this practice it may be uncomfortable.  If your loved ones see you doing this, they may question your sanity.  Talking out loud to one’s self is usually suspicious.  When you feel more comfortable with the exercise you can ‘up the ante’. Try this, stand in front of a full length mirror while you’re naked and say “I love you, ALL of you”.  Of course you’ll wanna do that one in private…. Being naked at the mall is definitely frowned upon.

Most clients who stay faithful to this practice notice some internal dialogue shifts within themselves. Personally when I was first coached to try this (about 20 years ago) I noted more smiling at my foibles instead of berating myself for goofy antics.

A minor shift in internal dialogue does not seem like a big deal…. But it is.  If you’re like most of us, you are the harshest critic you have.  This harsh silent internal self-criticism has a devastating cumulative effect.  Release the self-criticism and replace it with self-love.

Most of us can identify our objects of affection easily…. We love our spouses, our kids, our pets, our jobs, even our vehicles.  We love a favorite meal or restaurant.  We love our sports teams. We love a favorite vacation spot.  We love TV shows and sometimes even well-written or acted characters in those shows. We love and idolize stars and actors we do not know. We love music of a particular genre or era.  We love many many things…. Add one more conscious object of affection.  YOU.  Remember to Love Thyself.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Writer’s Block?

Jay Irvin humor, opinion, oregon , , ,

writer's block

I really shouldn’t write about “Writer’s Block”.

When I use this phrase it implies I’m a writer or I know something about writing…. Neither is true.  Yeah, I scratch out blog posts and try to put lucid words on virtual paper, but I’ve never been accused of being a writer.  Yet sometimes I think I have writer’s block.

“Write what pops into your head” was the advice one of my success coaches gave me years ago.  She suggested I capture those random thoughts and then shuffle through the ideas and find a theme.  EB White said “The best writing is rewriting”.   And I believe that…. It’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t wanna simply spit out incoherent ideas that have rattled around in my noggin like a radioactive walnut in a rusty soup can.  OK, maybe if you’ve read my work, you can dispute that…. But, I digress. I want to write ideas that may make life a tiny bit better in some way for somebody. Even if it’s only me.

In my life as a professional speaker and trainer I attended a workshop by the great David Rabiner.  David had two points to become a successful motivational speaker:

  1.  Don’t suck .
  2.  Have something important to say.

I’d like to think these pearls of wisdom will transfer to  writing as well.  I know it seems simplistic, but it’s true.  The first point of being technically proficient, is a big deal.  Unfortunately the only thing I know about grammar is that she was married to grampar.

Having something important to say is all in the mind of the listener or reader.  If you’re a Khloe Kardashian fan you may think her utterances are brilliant and she has something important to say….. For me, I had to Google her name to get it spelled right. I only use the name to comment on what is wrong with society celebrating celebrity for being famous without substance…. Or maybe I’m jealous.

I’ll let you decide if I have anything important to say….

So what that really means is:   Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

No Quick Fixes

Jay Irvin courage, growth, kids, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, parenting, police, problem solving, psychology , , , , , , , ,

KidTVNO

I knew American society was in trouble13 years ago when Dan Rather had an “in-depth” report on drugs in schools that lasted about 2 minutes.  I can’t write a synopsis to this article in 2 minutes, yet here is a major news icon probing an epic issue with a TV presence about the length of a couple of car commercials and calling it “in-depth”.  Yeah, right.

I think our fascination with believing complex problems can be solved or explained quickly goes back decades.

Our problem began in the 1950’s with the proliferation of television.  GI’s came back from World War II and began living the American dream.  They created suburbs, tract housing, the baby-boom, and bought TVs.  Boomers (as we are called) were born from 1946 -1964.  Being children of “the greatest generation” was lost on us for most of our lives.  We knew things our parents couldn’t have imagined (we thought).  We grew up as TV watchers and TV taught us everything we needed to know (we thought).

TV was more influential that society imagined. In the 1950’s most television programming was a spin-off of vaudeville.  Vaudeville was the primary entertainment media before radios and moving pictures.

The 1950’s TV reflected vaudeville values.  TV shows were a way to generate revenue from commercials through wholesome entertainment. Based on success of some shows (I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners)  TV writers created one hour format dramas and half hour format comedies.  The situation comedy was born.  Television was changed forever.

Sitcoms are designed to fit into a half hour time slot with 22 minutes of programming and 8 minutes of commercials.  The plots are usually thin with familiar characters in a familiar setting.  A show usually starts with a misunderstanding or problem (often cloaked in humorous or sarcastic dialogue), a comic interpretation of the problem, and the resolution of the misunderstanding or problem.  All within 30 minutes.

TV drama series weren’t different.  Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Kojak, Star Trek, Baretta, Streets of San Francisco… etc… All had a similar formula: problem,  plot complication, conflict, and resolution.

The tropes, wardrobes, lingo, and attitudes may have been different, but what didn’t change is the resolution of the problem in 30 – 60 minutes.  This subtle suggestion that complex human problems can be solved in 60 minutes crept into the subconscious mindset of most baby-boomers who were subjected to thousands and thousands of hours of this misinformation.

Resolving complex human issues in 30-60 minutes is an illusion.   So is television, but a child absorbing this information does not know what is real and what is illusory.  There’s the problem.  As we know intellectually, are very few quick-fixes for people problems.  We now have a generation of parents/grandparents/teachers/leaders who don’t recognize this. They want results NOW!  They want an “in-depth” analysis in 2 minutes.  They want a “quick fix”. And most of us have no idea where the internal sense of “I want it now” comes from.

As a generation we created faster everything: cars, bikes, clothing (wash & wear), Velcro, home appliances, microwaves.  We built speedier technology:  transistors over tubes,  calculators vs slide rules, the internet, facsimile machines,  mobile phones, computers, going to the moon, and more.  What we can’t do is solve complex societal issues or interpersonal problems through short cuts and technology.  Why?  Because you can’t fool mother nature.

Example: There is no short-cut to parenting.  Kids still go through developmental stages as they have for centuries. Technology can’t replace parental responsibility or human development.  TV isn’t a baby-sitter.

Example:  There is no short-cut to a good marriage.  Partners have to work together through issues.  Hurt feelings are not always cured in 30 minutes or less.  Technology can’t fix a failing marriage.

Example:  Farmers know you can’t fool mother nature.  If a farmer fails to prepare and plant the field there are no “hacks” to make crops grow.  There is a growing season and nature takes the time it takes.  If you harvest too soon the results are not good.  If you delay harvest the results are not good.  A farmer has to work at the speed of nature.  Period.

In contrast with nature, society moves faster as media speed increases.  Organic solutions do not get faster.  We can’t fix people problems in 30 minutes or less.  We’ve got to think like the  farmer… We have to work at the speed of nature.

There is no 2 minute “in depth” analysis.  There are highlights, talking points, main ideas… yes… But solutions go much deeper.  We need to forget about the quick fix when it comes to people problems.  In my job this is not a popular stance.  As a system we have to work on lasting solutions.

I’ve got some ideas to help move us through this problem…. What are yours?

  • Stop settling for the quick fix
  • Observe and understand nature
  • Become more mindful of what’s happening NOW
  • Think like a visionary… think long term… act that way
  • Stop, listen, learn, teach
  • Be patient with change
  • Remember humans are not technology

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Lessons I’ve Learned From My Dogs

Jay Irvin courage, dogs, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, pets, psychology , , , , ,

I’ve been a dog guy all my adult life.  I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs… And I trust dogs when they don’t like people…

Meeka is my black six year old German Shepherd.   When I first saw her, her teats were distended and I found that at 2 years old she’d whelped 3 litters.  It broke my heart.  I asked the two Mexican guys that owned her how much they wanted for her. I bought her on the spot.  I took her to the dog wash on the way home and discovered she’d never been washed or petted.  I had her spayed 3 days later…. That was the best day of her life.  Now four years later, Meeka is all about family and her pack.  She’s happy to be in a family that cares for her.  She’s not interested in being the #1 dog.  She’s just content to “be”. She’s lost 2 dog companions, but she made it through the grief and loves life.

black.german.shepherd.2

Here’s my Meeka Learning Lesson:  Not everybody has a loving family.  Appreciate the family you have. Learn to just “Be”.

Harley is my wife’s dog.  He’s a 14 year old Chow/Shepherd mix.  Harley is blind and old.  He’s the Dog-Father.  Harley likes to growl at what he can’t see (which is almost everything) and barks when any visitor comes to the house. Harley’s bark is definitely worse than his bite.  Underneath his gruff exterior, Harley is a real softy.  He will growl and bark, but he is a real “love bunny”.   He loves to be loved…. But he is real protective.  My wife tells me I’m the only man Harley didn’t growl at when we first met.  I feel special.

Harley
Harley

Harley teaches me this:  It’s OK to be protective and gruff…. But remember to Accept Love..

SWAT Team was a pit bull that lived to be 7 years old.  That’s young.  He was euthanized three summers ago due to a degenerative disease.  SWAT was 70 pounds of pure muscle.  I got him as a rescue dog with “fight cropped” ears and he looked menacing.  But, SWAT loved kids and pooped ice cream.  He didn’t have a mean bone in his body.  SWAT, however was addicted to the “red dot”.  He would chase it until he dropped.  I’d run the “dot” under a chair and he’d wait hours for it to come out.  SWAT was always in a great mood and was a 100% optimist.  He chased the red dot for years and never caught it…. Yet I could say “red dot” and he would start looking for it and get energized.  He was always optimistic that he could catch it.

SWAT the night before he passed away.
SWAT the night before he passed away.

SWAT’s taught me that I should always enjoy life.  He taught me it doesn’t matter if you win or lose… Play the Game and Be Optimistic.

Zoe is my step-daughter’s shih-tzu/yorkie mix.  Zoe is 7 years old going on 7 months.  She is very youthful and puppy-ish. She tolerates the “big” dogs, but knows she rules the roost.  She consistently steals Harley’s treats and chewys.  Harley takes it all in stride.  Zoe weighs about 5-6 pounds, but thinks she’s as big as 70 pound Meeka and 60 pound Harley.  She’s an instigator and manipulator.  She goes for what she wants and doesn’t let her size be a limitation.

Zoe
Zoe

Zoe’s lesson for me is don’t let others put limits on you because of what they see.  Be your true self.  Be bigger/more/better than what others see on the surface. Don’t live under their limitations.

Hunter was a black and tan traditional German Shepherd I got because he was too aggressive for the owner.  Hunter never even snarled at me.  The family I rescued him from was amazed at the immediate bond we had.  Hunter was a protector.  I’ve had more than a dozen Shepherds over the years and he was clearly the most over-aggressive domestic dog I’ve seen.  Not to me or the family… But to anybody else he was a real “land shark”.  I hired a dog trainer. I consulted a behaviorist. I talked to my K9 handlers from work.  Nothing seemed to work to calm Hunter down.

After 4 months I noticed Hunter was not pooping right.  We went to the vet.  As it turns out Hunter had a disease and he could not process protein. He was literally starving.  He could eat and the protein would not absorb.  He was dying.  The vet seemed to think that this disease may have had something to do with his aggression. A hungry dog can be a mean dog.

There is no cure for his disease.  Hunter had to be euthanized.  I cried like a baby.  I’m welling up in tears as I write now and it’s been almost 2 years.

shepherd

What I learned from Hunter goes deeper.  Even love can’t cure some things.  Sometimes when things are not fixable you must let them go.  It’s hard to admit, but sometimes death is a more kind option than life.  It would have been more cruel to keep him alive and watch him starve to death.  Know when to let go.

As I read this I realize it seems anthropomorphic…..I’m projecting human emotions to animals…. And maybe I am.  But maybe I’m just letting the universe teach me some lessons I need to know.  I just hope I can remember to be as smart as my dogs and:

  1. Appreciate my family
  2. Learn to “Be”
  3. Accept Love
  4. Play the Game
  5. Be Optimistic
  6. Be your True Self
  7. Be more than just what others see in you
  8. Love can’t cure all
  9. Know when to let go

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Who is Your Hero?

Jay Irvin bravery, courage, growth, hero worship, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, psychology , , , , , , , , ,

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a culture we’ve confused celebrity with heroism. We’ve confused fame with nobility. I am saddened by this thinking.

Being considered a hero used to mean you had to have accomplished something that was significant or contributed to society.  You walked on the moon (Neil Armstrong) or led civil rights (Dr King) or averted a nuclear war (Cuban Missile Crisis, President Kennedy) or explored and developed new areas (Daniel Boone) or led an expedition (Lewis & Clark) or conquered the highest mountain (Edmund Hillary) or did something.

Today, most of the celebrity “heroes” are music moguls or athletic stars: They are entertainment figures. I believe music and sports have a place in culture and there are notables in both fields.  Some notables are iconic…. But not heroes. They are famous… But not heroes.  They have celebrity, but are not heroes.

I guess it all comes down to your definition of “hero” or “heroine”.   The generally recognized definitions of hero are: :

  • a mythological or legendary figure
  • one admired for great courage or noble qualities
  • an object of extreme admiration and devotion

The word “hero” comes from Greek “heros” meaning demi-god.  A demi-god is one who isn’t quite a god yet, but has more power than a mere mortal.  To be clear, I’m using the term “hero” which is the masculine form.  “Heroine” implies the same, but in feminine form.  “Heroine” was first used in c.1650.

Webster’s first definition seems to fit the form of demi-god.  Persons held in mythological stature (sometimes fables) from embellished stories passed through generations (Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Robin Hood). Or “super-hero” fantasy characters (Superman, Bat-man, etc.)

For me, the second definition is the one that resonates.  Those people who demonstrate courage or bravery and maintain noble qualities (9/11 responders, combat veterans, those working to help less fortunate: nurses, firefighters, police officers).  These are the people that very seldom become famous but continue to do a difficult thankless job in spite of the lack of rewards.

A real hero is a mom who continues to “do the right thing” even when the no-good dad is nowhere to be found.  A real hero is the teacher’s aide who gives a hungry child a snack from her personal lunch stash.  A real hero is the anonymous citizen who shepherds a lost child until the child is safe.  A real hero is the Average Joe giving CPR until medics show up.  A real hero doesn’t have anything to do with popularity or celebrity.  Most heroes are the unsung ones.

I met a couple of real heroes yesterday.  I had the honor of helping at a fund-raiser for Special Olympics.  There I met a  married couple who happened to be corrections Captains. They have been volunteering for this charity for nearly two decades. Yesterday they spent a 12 hour unpaid Saturday helping make dreams come true for the less fortunate.  They are real heroes, yet there were no TV cameras or media blitz.  They did it because of their noble ideals.

The last definition of heroism is probably the most popular and disappointing (to me).  Idol-worship.  Fame based heroism.  I threw up a little in my mouth when I typed that.  Some celebrities rebel against this archetype– (“I am not a role model”- Charles Barkley).  However most celebrities revel in the hyperbole and believe the hero worship.

I don’t think I’ve ever understood our national fascination with celebrity.  I can’t identify the Kardashians out of a police line up. I think this has to do with my upbringing.  I grew up without television.  My mom was a religious nut and thought TV was evil.  She was serious about it.  My sister and I were not allowed to watch TV at friend’s houses and we were trained to turn away from televisions when we saw them on display in a department store.  Weird, huh?

There were some good side effects from growing up without TV.  I became a prolific reader.  I learned to listen and talk with anybody. I never idolized sports figures nor TV celebrities. The people I held in esteem as heroes were ones I met through our social circles (Lester Roloff, Fred Sink, Joe Hege) or ones I read about (Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earhardt, Harry Truman, Apostle Paul, Lincoln, Gandhi, Da Vinci, Shakespeare, Newton, Helen Keller, and the list goes on).

But this isn’t about me.  This is about how we as leaders can effect positive change in our circles of influence. How can we create a shift away from idol worship to true heroism?  Here are some ideas:

  • Set the example. Know your own heroes.  Make your ‘walk’ congruent with your ‘talk’
  • Look for unsung heroes and acknowledge/reward them. What gets rewarded get repeated.
  • Teach values other than becoming famous or popular.  Realize social media “likes” or being popular aren’t good indicators of character or nobility.
  • Know good character is a developed trait. More practice makes better character.  Build yours and theirs.
  • Recognize every real-world hero is human and fallible– They make mistakes AND may still be heroic.  Just because you make mistakes doesn’t necessarily make your actions less heroic. (Think heroic effort)
  • Understand “anti-heroes” and learn why we like them (Bonnie & Clyde, Sopranos, Blackbeard)

Psychologically we need heroes. They give us inspiration and help us aspire to our “higher selves”. And we will find heroes… Consciously or not.  It’s better to make your heroes ones you choose, not ones the media or your boss or your social circle chooses for you.  You are in charge of your own narrative. You can live the life you’ve imagined!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

I’m Not in Charge

Jay Irvin growth, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, psychology , , , , ,

Jack Canfield was the guy who made Albert Ellis easy to understand for me.

Jack is the Harvard educated author, motivational speaker, and seminar leader who co-created the Chicken Soup for the Soul series of books.  Jack started as a high school teacher and co-authored a book for high school teachers on ways to develop self-esteem in students. He successfully marketed his book in the National Enquirer and created his first fortune by sheer will-power.

I met Jack Canfield in 1993 when I was contracting for a major training company.  Jack was hired as the “big gun” speaker for our annual conference.  It was a joy to meet him.  Jack taught a very simple equation for success and happiness—

E  +   R    =   O

Event plus Response equals Outcome.

Event– Things in life we have no control over (bosses, weather, kids, customers, everything external to us)

Outcome– What happens in life. (Results, your life, the end, success or failure)

Response– The only thing in life over which we have control.

Jack’s bottom line is this:

If you want better results (outcomes) create better responses, because you can’t change events. (You’re not in control of ANYTHING except your response… get used to it)

Albert Ellis was a Columbia University PhD in clinical psychology.  Albert Ellis’ REBT is probably the most influential psychological concept present in the therapy community today. In a poll of psychologist and therapists Ellis was ranked as #2 All Time Most Influential Psychologist right behind #1 Carl Rogers and ahead of #3 Sigmund Freud.

Ellis died in 2007 and published over 60 books.  Most of his works were written for PhD students and practicing clinicians.  He attempted to make his theories easy to understand. That didn’t work.  He developed the ABC of REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy).

To understand ABC of REBT you need a PhD or JD or LLD or Lucky Charms decoder ring or a really patient professor.

A = Activating Event (things that happen)

B = Belief System (hidden from view)

C = Consequence  (results in life)

Ellis said we often make decisions about things in an irrational thinking style and don’t get the consequences we want because of mistaken beliefs (that we don’t know or can hardly understand).  I’m paraphrasing, of course.

In short:

You’re not in control of anything except your belief system, which you don’t understand. 

Both scholars are essentially saying the same thing:

There is very little we control in life. Control over external things is an illusion.

I bring this up because this weekend I forgot what I know.  I forgot to “Let it Be Easy”.  I still think I can control the world.  I can’t.  I’m not in charge.  I’m only in charge of my response and belief system.  That’s it.  Nothing else.

I’m not advocating an abdication of responsibility… I don’t believe some sort of hyper-Calvinism that says all the world is predetermined and predestined and “whatever will be will be”. I’m suggesting that I must recognize what I do have control over and manage that effectively.  When I get control of my responses and what I believe, I’ll have reached more success than I can imagine!

I guess my mistakes keep me grounded in my humanity and work to keep me humble…. Learn. Grow. Teach…. Where have I heard that before?

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Why You Matter

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, shootings , , , , , , ,

YouMatter

I’ve been noodling on the recent mass shootings. Like most people I’ve been trying to concoct some solutions to these horrors.  Like most people who’ve done this, I feel like I’ve  been banging my head on the wall.  As I’ve said before, I don’t have the answer…. But maybe I have a partial solution…. Maybe

Most of the recent shooters are male, disenfranchised, marginalized, and emotionally unstable.  You know that guy.  The one everybody avoids because he’s “weird”.  The one that has a hard time engaging in conversation and connecting with others.  Now I’m not saying all misfit loners are going to get a semi-automatic and start creating chaos…. Not by a long shot…. But….

I used to know that guy in school.  He was David.  David was the guy who was quiet in class… Drawing coffins and skulls and vampires in his notebook.  David always had a “weird” sense of humor.  He focused on the macabre and other-world stuff.  David was a bit of a geek.  David is the guy some suspected police would find murdered children under the floorboards of his kitchen when he was grown.  David didn’t have friends and was a loner. Other kids talked about him in ‘hushed tones’.  Kids can be cruel. Teachers can be even meaner. They weren’t so ‘hushed toned’ when it came to criticism of him.

David was a pudgy, wire-haired kid who was in-the-closet gay.  This was the early 1970’s and it was also the south.  Gay wasn’t accepted, much less celebrated.  If I remember correctly David presented as more confused sexually than gay.  He was supposed to like girls, but that never clicked for him.  But he couldn’t like boys either, that was forbidden.  It was something we never discussed.

These were the days before Dungeons and Dragons,  LARP, or Star Wars. There was no cable TV, no Sci-Fi channel and of course, no internet.  We only had black rotary phones and 3 television stations.

If he was in school today he’d probably lean toward the “goth” or “zombie” kids. And he might have been too shy to associate with them.

David was also my cousin.  We were related and I was expected to associate with him in school.  I wasn’t a popular kid either.  I was 6’0″, skinny, gangly, be-speckled, a bit of an egg-head/nerd, and socially inept.  But David was family and I had an obligation (based on my parents expectations) to befriend David. So I did.

In the beginning I had lunch with David about every other day.  After a few weeks a couple more boys joined the table and we had lunch everyday together.  There at the table were four misfits talking about what adolescent boys talk about.  For us it was tractors and motorcycles and NASCAR and trying to make some money from part-time jobs and laughing about ole Mrs Hackney sleeping in class and fart jokes.  David, Randy, Eddie, and I;  Unlikely associates at best… Definitely not a cool kids club.

David grew up and became a mortician. He was more comfortable around those who did not judge or make fun of him.  Later, he was a respected funeral director and eventually came out of the closet.  He had a loving partner for 20+ years and died an untimely death at 50 due to a heart attack.  There were no dead children under his kitchen floorboards.

Randy’s dreams of being a great FFA agriculturalist crumbled and he eventually became a supervisor in an industrial plant. He married (against all odds) and raised a family.  He has 4 grand-kids now and hopes to retire at 68.  He owns his house, his truck, his garden, and a boat.  Only 13 more years to retire and enjoy it all.

Eddie wanted to be a famous motocross rider and loved American motorcycles.  When he was 13 he scored an Indian trail bike.  Eddie died on his Harley in a motorcycle crash at age 24.

I became what and who I am.

None of us fulfilled the negative expectations of our parents or teachers or peers.  All of us turned out OK.  Why? Maybe because we had people we connected with.  Even if it was an unlikely connection, originally forced by my parents. Maybe because we knew we were all different and didn’t fit in (kinda like all teens), but found a place to fit.

And maybe this is a partial solution to the present-day shooter situation. Maybe, if we engage one loner;  if they feel the connection we offer; maybe we can prevent one casualty.  Maybe.

Maybe they are weird and maybe they rebuff our attempt at human connection.  But what could be the pay off?  Is it possible we could prevent/abort/stop a mass shooting before it occurs?  Maybe, just maybe.   Like I said, It’s a long shot.

It’s time we get from behind our smartphones and tablets and ‘business’ and connect with another human.  Go out of your way to connect with a live human.  It will not be comfortable at first…. And parents, it’s time we teach our children to engage with others; And not just on social media… Teach them to connect even to the different kids…. You know, the marginalized ones.

Know, as you connect with these people, you’re planting seeds of kindness that may grow to something more valuable.  It doesn’t take an education. It doesn’t take money.  It doesn’t take a great sacrifice on your part.  What it does take is a small decision to help change things where and when you can.  And if you detect some threat, call for help.  The more we connect and know, the better we become as a society.

All I’m saying is you can make a difference.  And that’s why You matter!

And as always:  Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

All Hail the Gatekeeper

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, police , , , , , ,

Gatekeepers are vital as standard bearers.  Good ones keep the standards high and insure consistent realization of organizational goals.  Bad gatekeepers can be an organization’s worst nightmare. I hope you don’t know any.

Good gatekeepers are as vital as good leadership.  Leaders base their decisions and vision on the information and resources at hand. Gatekeepers often provide that information and those resources. Gatekeepers are in positions of trust and sometimes leaders delegate decisions to gatekeepers to keep an organization running smoothly.  Intentionally or not, gatekeepers filter or color the information and resources that are available to the decision makers. Gatekeeping is a powerful position.

Was it the New Testament that said “With great power comes great responsibility”?  No, wait, that was Cliff Robinson as Uncle Ben in Spider-Man.

A couple of years ago we lost the chief of our organization because of “bad gatekeeping”.  I don’t think anybody else used that phrase, but this is what happened.  The boss wouldn’t allow any information to go to his boss unless it went through him.  He was a bad gatekeeper to the city manager (his boss). Our ex-chief set the example for bad gatekeeping to his supervisors and leadership team. He tolerated, encouraged, and rewarded the tenets of bad gatekeeping.

Eventually the city manager saw the damage the chief was doing to the organization.  The city manager fired him (again, they used a different term).

The chief’s bad gatekeeping practice destroyed morale, stifled creativity, caused conflict, created turnover, prevented forward growth, stopped communication, caused lawsuits, created a culture of distrust, and created a culture of “yes-men”. Our organization didn’t crumble, but it was close.  It’s been almost 3 years since that departure and the organization is not yet healed.

Bad gatekeeping  tenets are displayed in many ways:

  • Hiring form over function
  • Value style over substance
  • Keeping a “cool kids club” alive
  • Not allowing dissenting ideas
  • Discouraging “out of the box” collaboration
  • Using “know you/like you” as a main criteria for advancement
  • Refusing to allow/appreciate criticism
  • Never (rarely) admits making errors or mistakes (doesn’t tolerate those who do)
  • Have only ONE way to get results
  • Making all (important) decisions go through them
  • Can’t or won’t delegate anything but the most trivial items
  • Holding grudges or personal agendas
  • Develop personal insecurities
  • Find quick fixes without addressing the real issues

Many of the negative stereotypes of bad bosses can be encapsulated as “bad gatekeeping”.  Bad gatekeepers learn from their bosses.  If they violate the tenets of doing what the boss wants, there is “hell to pay”.  One of the lessons that sent a chill through our organization was the demotion of a Commander to Lieutenant because the demoted party violated several “bad gatekeeping” tenets of the now-fired Chief.  The Commander didn’t do “wrong” but the message was clear to the rest of the organization:  “Be a ‘yes man’, never offer anything that could be construed as criticism, don’t disagree, or suffer consequences”.

Good gatekeepers are almost the opposite.  They:

  • Welcome/allow/encourage criticism and negative feedback
  • Delegate and hold themselves and others accountable
  • Know they are fallible
  • Admits/allows mistakes– use mistakes as a learning platform
  • Know that questions build strength
  • Hire/promote substance with style
  • Promote relationships and transparency
  • Allow “team” think
  • Very secure in who they are and what they do
  • Seek long term solutions

An encouraging turn of events is that this Lieutenant was bruised, but not destroyed because of the horrible demotion.  The Lieutenant stayed true to “good gatekeeping” principles and continues making a positive difference.

This isn’t a diatribe about a specific bad gatekeeper I have encountered or observed.  Personally I like the ex-chief– (He hired me; he took a chance on an old guy)…  But I do wish those entrusted with leading and gatekeeping had values similar to good gatekeeping.  I wish I didn’t see it as a system problem and could just “blame” one individual.  I can’t.

My hope is these “bad gatekeepers” think they are “just doing the right thing”…  I hope they think that….. Otherwise their decisions would make them a force for evil, not just making misguided decisions.  It has to be misguided… Anything else would break my heart.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay