oregon

The Hardest Thing I Do

Jay Irvin growth, kids, leadership, oregon, parenting, police , , , , , , , ,

LostChild

If it comes up in conversation I usually say that my job isn’t hard. I explain I’m not paid for what I do… I’m paid for what I can do…  I’m a police officer working as a street cop in a medium sized city.

Whatever you think of police (and all the goofy negative press we’ve gotten recently) isn’t really any of my business.  My business is the “people” business.

Roughly 80% of what I do is engaging with and talking to people…. I help them find solutions for situations and crises that they don’t otherwise have solutions for.

The other 20% of what I do is:

  1. documenting what I did or did not do and
  2. training for what I do or do not do.

Like I said, it’s relatively an easy job.

I’ll admit, policing does have challenges:

  • Dealing with people on the worst day of their lives
  • Not having a “fix” when the public thinks I should have one
  • Being constantly targeted by real bad guys or people that would harm me because of my uniform
  • Being under a microscope 100% of the time
  • Either being run down by boredom or freaked out by extreme stress
  • Working shift work on a 24/7 clock (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc)
  • Being unable to be in all places at all times
  • Facing all the weather elements
  • Other drivers and traffic
  • Seeing things that can’t be ‘unseen’
  • Dealing with the seedy under-belly of society
  • And a 1,000 other challenges

But these are run-of-the-mill challenges.  The hardest thing I do is deal with kids.

Yesterday we responded to a fight in progress.  The caller reported two men fighting in the grass.  We found a father wrestling his 11 year old son to prevent the son from running away.  The boy was angry, sullen and almost non-communicative.  I thought he was mentally delayed or autistic.  He was not.  He’s just angry…. At 11 years old.  Dad, a non-English speaker, wanted the boy to go to a juvenile facility because of his aggression.  True, the boy was aggressive– he tried to kick and strike a police officer– but there is not a police solution for an 11 year old.

I could only wonder what issues created this aggression in the child.   As a father and an old guy, my heart was wrenching with his pain.  But there is no solution.  It was hard, but we finally got the conflict resolved for the moment….  Father and son climbed into the family van (where the rest of the family had been waiting for 90 minutes) and left back to a neighboring city where they reside.  It was hard to witness.

I got a call about a 13 year old who was ready to hang himself.  This was not the first suicide attempt…. He’d tried before at 11 years old…. but was unsuccessful.  There were marks on his young neck from the attempt 2 years ago.  Mom and step-dad were yelling when I arrived.  Yelling at each other and passive-aggressively including sniping remarks about the boy.   They were concerned about how much it was going to cost them because “he’s f***ing up again”.  I wanted to take them to jail…. but I couldn’t.  I drove the 13 year old to the hospital to get some help….. I checked back a couple of weeks later and the family moved out of town.  It was hard to not be able to follow through and help more.

My partner and I walked through the dark woods to a tree house about 200 yards from the home.  Up in the darkness was a 15 year old boy.  The tree house sat beside the creek and there was a rope swing across the creek.  The boy fashioned a noose out of the rope swing and had it around his neck.  He was gathering the courage to jump and end it all.  We were able to talk him out of the tree house to safety and get him help.  The hardest part was knowing how close we came to finding a dead 15 year old swinging in the darkness.  All because of parents selfish and ignorant rejection of his sexual identity and confusion.

A neighbor called in at 5:45am one morning…. Two kids (ages 5 and 3) were going from door to door knocking because they were afraid.  A rat ran through their apartment and there were no parents home.  I found the kids were alone since about 9:00pm the night before. Apparently this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.  Dad was off in another city on a construction job and mom had a new boyfriend.  Mom decided to leave a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy alone because she needed to spend time cheating on her husband with a new, more exciting man.  It took 10 hours to get mom to return the phone calls.  Child service workers, police detectives, even her husband tried to get her to call but she would not.  Yes, she was arrested, but it’s still hard to know these beautiful sweet kids probably don’t have a chance with a mom like this.

The 11 month old baby was alone screaming in the child seat in the back of the car.  As much as it disturbed me, I was happy to hear the child scream.  The child had wriggled around in the seat and she was close to getting her neck caught in the webbing of the car seat and seat belt.  Once caught in the webbing the child would have strangled. Then there would have been no screaming.  As officers broke into the car to rescue the baby I went into Macy’s to find a parent.   She was an apparently cosmopolitan mother who was “just making a return” on an item.  She was in the store almost 40 minutes (according to the security video I found) when she came shrieking out the door.   She saw all the police lights and activity around her car she was mortified… Not that she’d almost lost a child…But that we would take her baby out of the car….Apparently police were ‘interfering’ in her life.

A next-door  neighbor called because the kids across the hall weren’t in school.  I found 3 kids there.  They’d been alone 2 days.  They were 5, 8, and 11 years old.  The house was wretched, stinky, and unsafe.  There was fetid meat rotting on the counter top.  Flies, gnats, and maggots were buzzing and crawling in the over-flowing garbage can. Bags of rancid garbage sat beside the full canister. The kids hadn’t eaten in 2 days.  They had munched on dry cereal and tortilla chips. But the cereal and chips were all gone now.

I found fresh eggs and cheese in the fridge. I scrubbed a fry pan from the filthy sink.  And while my partner tried to find mom and I waited on child services to arrive, I cooked.  In my uniform, on a crud encrusted stove, in a nasty apartment I was a hero to 3 kids.  They were amazed that a man (much less a cop) could and would cook for them.  The kids ate a dozen cooked eggs with cheese.  With some coaching, the kids cleaned the apartment and took out the trash.  When mom was finally contacted she asked “What’s the problem?”  The hardest part was …. well you get the picture.

And the list goes on:   the 3 year old lost on a busy street…. the autistic girl wandering away from the park… the boy who hits his mother and aunt and is then beaten severely by dad….the 12 year old ‘fire bug’ who stole his grandpa’s lighter… or the girl smacked in the face with a wooden spoon (because she cried)…. or dozens of other stories… And knowing what I do makes only a little difference…..That is the hardest thing I do….

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Dirty Dozen Bad Leadership Ideas

Jay Irvin growth, humor, leadership, oregon , , , , , ,

bad-boss

There’s so much written on being a good leader, I thought I’d look at the other side of leadership.

So here goes.  Here’s my “Dirty Dozen” of poor leadership.

  1.  Remember intimidation is almost as good as leadership.  (And it’s quicker) Always keep ’em in their place. Never back down from letting them know who’s the boss.  “Because I said so” is a great refrain to keep this attitude going.  Challenge subordinates to “just try me” when they have a different opinion than you.
  2. Treat everybody the same.  You never have to understand differences between staff members.  You don’t have to gyrate your style to meet the needs of others, after all, you are the boss. They have to adapt to your style, not the other way around!
  3. Take credit for all success.  As the boss you are the reason there is success here anyway.  Remember everything rises on leadership. If it’s good you did it.  If it’s not good, they did it.
  4. Don’t ask for subordinate input.  If they knew anything of value, they’d be in higher positions. And if you need their opinion you’ll give it to them anyway.
  5. Never change your mind. You only need to decide once…. Since situations never change and making decisions is hard work…. Why should you work more than needed?  Once you decide, remain “the decider”.
  6. Flip-Flop Constantly. Reserve the right to change your mind…. early and often.  You need to consistently mix this trait with “Never change your mind”.  Keep ’em guessing.
  7. Don’t Say “Thanks”.  Your team should be grateful to be working with YOU. Not the other way around. They should be thankful to have a job at all.  Saying “Thanks” dilutes your power.
  8. Avoid ‘Hard’ Decisions. Avoid ‘tough’ conversations. If it isn’t pleasant, it’s not your job.  If you do unpleasant tasks your team may think less of you. You recognize popularity is a big deal.
  9. Reward Fluff. Ignore Substance.  What you reward, you get more of.  Your good performers will always provide substance without your input so you need to guarantee fluff by rewards.  Remember, fluff makes good headlines and attracts more positive attention which makes you look better.
  10. Promote “Kissing Up”.  You need to surround yourself with people who agree with you.  No one should question your almighty perceptions or ideas.  Questions lead to new ideas and thinking.  Nobody needs a thinker.  We need do-ers.  Doing without thinking is what got you here. Kissing up keeps this cycle in place.
  11. Transparency is for suckers.  You need to keep your ‘cards close to the vest’,  If anybody knows your business, then you don’t have any.  All leadership decisions and processes must remain closed.  Keep ’em guessing about your plans or vision or mission.  Remember the World War II adage:  “Loose lips sink ships.”
  12. Never worry about Trust.  You motto should be “Always Verify”.  Trust in your people shows weakness.  However, you must demand their trust.  Trust prevents passive aggressiveness and what fun would work be without that?  Sarcasm is the new wisdom. When they start showing trust use plenty of sarcasm to show them the error of their ways.

Hopefully you don’t see yourself in these… If you do, I hope you are willing to consider some growth….

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Lessons I’ve Learned From My Dogs

Jay Irvin courage, dogs, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, pets, psychology , , , , ,

I’ve been a dog guy all my adult life.  I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs… And I trust dogs when they don’t like people…

Meeka is my black six year old German Shepherd.   When I first saw her, her teats were distended and I found that at 2 years old she’d whelped 3 litters.  It broke my heart.  I asked the two Mexican guys that owned her how much they wanted for her. I bought her on the spot.  I took her to the dog wash on the way home and discovered she’d never been washed or petted.  I had her spayed 3 days later…. That was the best day of her life.  Now four years later, Meeka is all about family and her pack.  She’s happy to be in a family that cares for her.  She’s not interested in being the #1 dog.  She’s just content to “be”. She’s lost 2 dog companions, but she made it through the grief and loves life.

black.german.shepherd.2

Here’s my Meeka Learning Lesson:  Not everybody has a loving family.  Appreciate the family you have. Learn to just “Be”.

Harley is my wife’s dog.  He’s a 14 year old Chow/Shepherd mix.  Harley is blind and old.  He’s the Dog-Father.  Harley likes to growl at what he can’t see (which is almost everything) and barks when any visitor comes to the house. Harley’s bark is definitely worse than his bite.  Underneath his gruff exterior, Harley is a real softy.  He will growl and bark, but he is a real “love bunny”.   He loves to be loved…. But he is real protective.  My wife tells me I’m the only man Harley didn’t growl at when we first met.  I feel special.

Harley
Harley

Harley teaches me this:  It’s OK to be protective and gruff…. But remember to Accept Love..

SWAT Team was a pit bull that lived to be 7 years old.  That’s young.  He was euthanized three summers ago due to a degenerative disease.  SWAT was 70 pounds of pure muscle.  I got him as a rescue dog with “fight cropped” ears and he looked menacing.  But, SWAT loved kids and pooped ice cream.  He didn’t have a mean bone in his body.  SWAT, however was addicted to the “red dot”.  He would chase it until he dropped.  I’d run the “dot” under a chair and he’d wait hours for it to come out.  SWAT was always in a great mood and was a 100% optimist.  He chased the red dot for years and never caught it…. Yet I could say “red dot” and he would start looking for it and get energized.  He was always optimistic that he could catch it.

SWAT the night before he passed away.
SWAT the night before he passed away.

SWAT’s taught me that I should always enjoy life.  He taught me it doesn’t matter if you win or lose… Play the Game and Be Optimistic.

Zoe is my step-daughter’s shih-tzu/yorkie mix.  Zoe is 7 years old going on 7 months.  She is very youthful and puppy-ish. She tolerates the “big” dogs, but knows she rules the roost.  She consistently steals Harley’s treats and chewys.  Harley takes it all in stride.  Zoe weighs about 5-6 pounds, but thinks she’s as big as 70 pound Meeka and 60 pound Harley.  She’s an instigator and manipulator.  She goes for what she wants and doesn’t let her size be a limitation.

Zoe
Zoe

Zoe’s lesson for me is don’t let others put limits on you because of what they see.  Be your true self.  Be bigger/more/better than what others see on the surface. Don’t live under their limitations.

Hunter was a black and tan traditional German Shepherd I got because he was too aggressive for the owner.  Hunter never even snarled at me.  The family I rescued him from was amazed at the immediate bond we had.  Hunter was a protector.  I’ve had more than a dozen Shepherds over the years and he was clearly the most over-aggressive domestic dog I’ve seen.  Not to me or the family… But to anybody else he was a real “land shark”.  I hired a dog trainer. I consulted a behaviorist. I talked to my K9 handlers from work.  Nothing seemed to work to calm Hunter down.

After 4 months I noticed Hunter was not pooping right.  We went to the vet.  As it turns out Hunter had a disease and he could not process protein. He was literally starving.  He could eat and the protein would not absorb.  He was dying.  The vet seemed to think that this disease may have had something to do with his aggression. A hungry dog can be a mean dog.

There is no cure for his disease.  Hunter had to be euthanized.  I cried like a baby.  I’m welling up in tears as I write now and it’s been almost 2 years.

shepherd

What I learned from Hunter goes deeper.  Even love can’t cure some things.  Sometimes when things are not fixable you must let them go.  It’s hard to admit, but sometimes death is a more kind option than life.  It would have been more cruel to keep him alive and watch him starve to death.  Know when to let go.

As I read this I realize it seems anthropomorphic…..I’m projecting human emotions to animals…. And maybe I am.  But maybe I’m just letting the universe teach me some lessons I need to know.  I just hope I can remember to be as smart as my dogs and:

  1. Appreciate my family
  2. Learn to “Be”
  3. Accept Love
  4. Play the Game
  5. Be Optimistic
  6. Be your True Self
  7. Be more than just what others see in you
  8. Love can’t cure all
  9. Know when to let go

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Who is Your Hero?

Jay Irvin bravery, courage, growth, hero worship, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, psychology , , , , , , , , ,

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a culture we’ve confused celebrity with heroism. We’ve confused fame with nobility. I am saddened by this thinking.

Being considered a hero used to mean you had to have accomplished something that was significant or contributed to society.  You walked on the moon (Neil Armstrong) or led civil rights (Dr King) or averted a nuclear war (Cuban Missile Crisis, President Kennedy) or explored and developed new areas (Daniel Boone) or led an expedition (Lewis & Clark) or conquered the highest mountain (Edmund Hillary) or did something.

Today, most of the celebrity “heroes” are music moguls or athletic stars: They are entertainment figures. I believe music and sports have a place in culture and there are notables in both fields.  Some notables are iconic…. But not heroes. They are famous… But not heroes.  They have celebrity, but are not heroes.

I guess it all comes down to your definition of “hero” or “heroine”.   The generally recognized definitions of hero are: :

  • a mythological or legendary figure
  • one admired for great courage or noble qualities
  • an object of extreme admiration and devotion

The word “hero” comes from Greek “heros” meaning demi-god.  A demi-god is one who isn’t quite a god yet, but has more power than a mere mortal.  To be clear, I’m using the term “hero” which is the masculine form.  “Heroine” implies the same, but in feminine form.  “Heroine” was first used in c.1650.

Webster’s first definition seems to fit the form of demi-god.  Persons held in mythological stature (sometimes fables) from embellished stories passed through generations (Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Robin Hood). Or “super-hero” fantasy characters (Superman, Bat-man, etc.)

For me, the second definition is the one that resonates.  Those people who demonstrate courage or bravery and maintain noble qualities (9/11 responders, combat veterans, those working to help less fortunate: nurses, firefighters, police officers).  These are the people that very seldom become famous but continue to do a difficult thankless job in spite of the lack of rewards.

A real hero is a mom who continues to “do the right thing” even when the no-good dad is nowhere to be found.  A real hero is the teacher’s aide who gives a hungry child a snack from her personal lunch stash.  A real hero is the anonymous citizen who shepherds a lost child until the child is safe.  A real hero is the Average Joe giving CPR until medics show up.  A real hero doesn’t have anything to do with popularity or celebrity.  Most heroes are the unsung ones.

I met a couple of real heroes yesterday.  I had the honor of helping at a fund-raiser for Special Olympics.  There I met a  married couple who happened to be corrections Captains. They have been volunteering for this charity for nearly two decades. Yesterday they spent a 12 hour unpaid Saturday helping make dreams come true for the less fortunate.  They are real heroes, yet there were no TV cameras or media blitz.  They did it because of their noble ideals.

The last definition of heroism is probably the most popular and disappointing (to me).  Idol-worship.  Fame based heroism.  I threw up a little in my mouth when I typed that.  Some celebrities rebel against this archetype– (“I am not a role model”- Charles Barkley).  However most celebrities revel in the hyperbole and believe the hero worship.

I don’t think I’ve ever understood our national fascination with celebrity.  I can’t identify the Kardashians out of a police line up. I think this has to do with my upbringing.  I grew up without television.  My mom was a religious nut and thought TV was evil.  She was serious about it.  My sister and I were not allowed to watch TV at friend’s houses and we were trained to turn away from televisions when we saw them on display in a department store.  Weird, huh?

There were some good side effects from growing up without TV.  I became a prolific reader.  I learned to listen and talk with anybody. I never idolized sports figures nor TV celebrities. The people I held in esteem as heroes were ones I met through our social circles (Lester Roloff, Fred Sink, Joe Hege) or ones I read about (Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earhardt, Harry Truman, Apostle Paul, Lincoln, Gandhi, Da Vinci, Shakespeare, Newton, Helen Keller, and the list goes on).

But this isn’t about me.  This is about how we as leaders can effect positive change in our circles of influence. How can we create a shift away from idol worship to true heroism?  Here are some ideas:

  • Set the example. Know your own heroes.  Make your ‘walk’ congruent with your ‘talk’
  • Look for unsung heroes and acknowledge/reward them. What gets rewarded get repeated.
  • Teach values other than becoming famous or popular.  Realize social media “likes” or being popular aren’t good indicators of character or nobility.
  • Know good character is a developed trait. More practice makes better character.  Build yours and theirs.
  • Recognize every real-world hero is human and fallible– They make mistakes AND may still be heroic.  Just because you make mistakes doesn’t necessarily make your actions less heroic. (Think heroic effort)
  • Understand “anti-heroes” and learn why we like them (Bonnie & Clyde, Sopranos, Blackbeard)

Psychologically we need heroes. They give us inspiration and help us aspire to our “higher selves”. And we will find heroes… Consciously or not.  It’s better to make your heroes ones you choose, not ones the media or your boss or your social circle chooses for you.  You are in charge of your own narrative. You can live the life you’ve imagined!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

I’m Not in Charge

Jay Irvin growth, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, psychology , , , , ,

Jack Canfield was the guy who made Albert Ellis easy to understand for me.

Jack is the Harvard educated author, motivational speaker, and seminar leader who co-created the Chicken Soup for the Soul series of books.  Jack started as a high school teacher and co-authored a book for high school teachers on ways to develop self-esteem in students. He successfully marketed his book in the National Enquirer and created his first fortune by sheer will-power.

I met Jack Canfield in 1993 when I was contracting for a major training company.  Jack was hired as the “big gun” speaker for our annual conference.  It was a joy to meet him.  Jack taught a very simple equation for success and happiness—

E  +   R    =   O

Event plus Response equals Outcome.

Event– Things in life we have no control over (bosses, weather, kids, customers, everything external to us)

Outcome– What happens in life. (Results, your life, the end, success or failure)

Response– The only thing in life over which we have control.

Jack’s bottom line is this:

If you want better results (outcomes) create better responses, because you can’t change events. (You’re not in control of ANYTHING except your response… get used to it)

Albert Ellis was a Columbia University PhD in clinical psychology.  Albert Ellis’ REBT is probably the most influential psychological concept present in the therapy community today. In a poll of psychologist and therapists Ellis was ranked as #2 All Time Most Influential Psychologist right behind #1 Carl Rogers and ahead of #3 Sigmund Freud.

Ellis died in 2007 and published over 60 books.  Most of his works were written for PhD students and practicing clinicians.  He attempted to make his theories easy to understand. That didn’t work.  He developed the ABC of REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy).

To understand ABC of REBT you need a PhD or JD or LLD or Lucky Charms decoder ring or a really patient professor.

A = Activating Event (things that happen)

B = Belief System (hidden from view)

C = Consequence  (results in life)

Ellis said we often make decisions about things in an irrational thinking style and don’t get the consequences we want because of mistaken beliefs (that we don’t know or can hardly understand).  I’m paraphrasing, of course.

In short:

You’re not in control of anything except your belief system, which you don’t understand. 

Both scholars are essentially saying the same thing:

There is very little we control in life. Control over external things is an illusion.

I bring this up because this weekend I forgot what I know.  I forgot to “Let it Be Easy”.  I still think I can control the world.  I can’t.  I’m not in charge.  I’m only in charge of my response and belief system.  That’s it.  Nothing else.

I’m not advocating an abdication of responsibility… I don’t believe some sort of hyper-Calvinism that says all the world is predetermined and predestined and “whatever will be will be”. I’m suggesting that I must recognize what I do have control over and manage that effectively.  When I get control of my responses and what I believe, I’ll have reached more success than I can imagine!

I guess my mistakes keep me grounded in my humanity and work to keep me humble…. Learn. Grow. Teach…. Where have I heard that before?

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Why You Matter

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, shootings , , , , , , ,

YouMatter

I’ve been noodling on the recent mass shootings. Like most people I’ve been trying to concoct some solutions to these horrors.  Like most people who’ve done this, I feel like I’ve  been banging my head on the wall.  As I’ve said before, I don’t have the answer…. But maybe I have a partial solution…. Maybe

Most of the recent shooters are male, disenfranchised, marginalized, and emotionally unstable.  You know that guy.  The one everybody avoids because he’s “weird”.  The one that has a hard time engaging in conversation and connecting with others.  Now I’m not saying all misfit loners are going to get a semi-automatic and start creating chaos…. Not by a long shot…. But….

I used to know that guy in school.  He was David.  David was the guy who was quiet in class… Drawing coffins and skulls and vampires in his notebook.  David always had a “weird” sense of humor.  He focused on the macabre and other-world stuff.  David was a bit of a geek.  David is the guy some suspected police would find murdered children under the floorboards of his kitchen when he was grown.  David didn’t have friends and was a loner. Other kids talked about him in ‘hushed tones’.  Kids can be cruel. Teachers can be even meaner. They weren’t so ‘hushed toned’ when it came to criticism of him.

David was a pudgy, wire-haired kid who was in-the-closet gay.  This was the early 1970’s and it was also the south.  Gay wasn’t accepted, much less celebrated.  If I remember correctly David presented as more confused sexually than gay.  He was supposed to like girls, but that never clicked for him.  But he couldn’t like boys either, that was forbidden.  It was something we never discussed.

These were the days before Dungeons and Dragons,  LARP, or Star Wars. There was no cable TV, no Sci-Fi channel and of course, no internet.  We only had black rotary phones and 3 television stations.

If he was in school today he’d probably lean toward the “goth” or “zombie” kids. And he might have been too shy to associate with them.

David was also my cousin.  We were related and I was expected to associate with him in school.  I wasn’t a popular kid either.  I was 6’0″, skinny, gangly, be-speckled, a bit of an egg-head/nerd, and socially inept.  But David was family and I had an obligation (based on my parents expectations) to befriend David. So I did.

In the beginning I had lunch with David about every other day.  After a few weeks a couple more boys joined the table and we had lunch everyday together.  There at the table were four misfits talking about what adolescent boys talk about.  For us it was tractors and motorcycles and NASCAR and trying to make some money from part-time jobs and laughing about ole Mrs Hackney sleeping in class and fart jokes.  David, Randy, Eddie, and I;  Unlikely associates at best… Definitely not a cool kids club.

David grew up and became a mortician. He was more comfortable around those who did not judge or make fun of him.  Later, he was a respected funeral director and eventually came out of the closet.  He had a loving partner for 20+ years and died an untimely death at 50 due to a heart attack.  There were no dead children under his kitchen floorboards.

Randy’s dreams of being a great FFA agriculturalist crumbled and he eventually became a supervisor in an industrial plant. He married (against all odds) and raised a family.  He has 4 grand-kids now and hopes to retire at 68.  He owns his house, his truck, his garden, and a boat.  Only 13 more years to retire and enjoy it all.

Eddie wanted to be a famous motocross rider and loved American motorcycles.  When he was 13 he scored an Indian trail bike.  Eddie died on his Harley in a motorcycle crash at age 24.

I became what and who I am.

None of us fulfilled the negative expectations of our parents or teachers or peers.  All of us turned out OK.  Why? Maybe because we had people we connected with.  Even if it was an unlikely connection, originally forced by my parents. Maybe because we knew we were all different and didn’t fit in (kinda like all teens), but found a place to fit.

And maybe this is a partial solution to the present-day shooter situation. Maybe, if we engage one loner;  if they feel the connection we offer; maybe we can prevent one casualty.  Maybe.

Maybe they are weird and maybe they rebuff our attempt at human connection.  But what could be the pay off?  Is it possible we could prevent/abort/stop a mass shooting before it occurs?  Maybe, just maybe.   Like I said, It’s a long shot.

It’s time we get from behind our smartphones and tablets and ‘business’ and connect with another human.  Go out of your way to connect with a live human.  It will not be comfortable at first…. And parents, it’s time we teach our children to engage with others; And not just on social media… Teach them to connect even to the different kids…. You know, the marginalized ones.

Know, as you connect with these people, you’re planting seeds of kindness that may grow to something more valuable.  It doesn’t take an education. It doesn’t take money.  It doesn’t take a great sacrifice on your part.  What it does take is a small decision to help change things where and when you can.  And if you detect some threat, call for help.  The more we connect and know, the better we become as a society.

All I’m saying is you can make a difference.  And that’s why You matter!

And as always:  Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Truth, Lies, and Other Ambiguous Topics

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police , , , , , ,

None of us could live with a habitual truth teller; but, thank goodness, none of us has to.            —–Mark Twain

Time Magazine ran an interesting article a few years ago that confirmed liars lie.   University of Amsterdam researchers used grant money to come to that conclusion.   I’m guessing it doesn’t take advanced degrees to figure out admitted liars lie, but now it’s certified and the article is listed as a professorial publishing for some doctoral candidate…. So maybe there was some benefit to the research.

We expect to meet some liars — Politicians, car sales professionals, a late night ‘pick-up’ artist, kids with their hand in the cookie jar, drunk drivers admitting to having “two” beers, and the list goes on….

Famous defense attorney Gerry Spence said he never lost in court because he always told the truth and never lied.  When I read that I wondered how he defined “truth”.   On the street I know the “truth” is elusive.  I hear the victim. I hear witnesses. I hear the suspect. I look at the evidence. The stories NEVER match and the evidence is usually sparse.  But I must find “truth”.

As a police officer there is an expectation that I do not lie while conducting official business.  If a police officer is involved in an integrity investigation and it is determined that the officer lied, that officer will eventually lose certification and not be allowed to work in law enforcement.  If a police officer lies in court, that officer becomes a “Brady officer” and cannot testify in court again without the previous lies becoming a matter of record.

Lying comes in many forms:

  • A false statement presented as true (I didn’t eat your cake)
  • An attempt to deceive or give false impression (I’m sorry you didn’t get promoted)
  • An attempt to not hurt feelings (That hair cut looks good on you)
  • Omitting an important or salient fact  (Seems good to me… Omitting that you haven’t really examined it)
  • Broken promises (Sure I’ll be there… with no intention)
  • Exaggeration (I bench 350 pounds)
  • Plagiarism (Pretending something is your original work, and it’s not)
  • Rationalism (Simply stated: Rational lies)

The truth is that humans lie, even when we intend to tell the truth.  Part of our lying is based on bias.  When we have a perception that what we are saying is ‘the gospel’ then it is…. From our point of view.  If you believe Tea Party dogma and espouse their ideals you may not think you’re lying, but there is a bias present.  If you think the Koch brothers are altruistic you may have a skewed perception. If we “preach” the liberal party line we may miss the “truth”.   Failing to acknowledge our bias may make us inadvertent liars.

And we participate in systemic lies.  I wear deodorant because I don’t want you to know the truth about me.  Without deodorant I may have body odor.  Hair coloring, false nails, false eyelashes, creative make-up, and push-up bras are all systemic lies.  Generally we appreciate the results systemic lies give us (we rationalize), but still they are attempts to hide the “truth”.  Or is a well made up, beautifully coiffed, enchantingly dressed woman really the “truth”?  Depends on your perception or bias.

When we lie, we lie for a reason. Sometimes the reason is conscious and sometimes it’s unconscious.

  • We lie to avoid negative consequences. (I did not leave the door open)
  • We lie to “fit in”. (Oh, I like hip-hop too)
  • We lie to be social (Yeah, it’s a great party)
  • We lie to be liked (Great chili!)
  • We lie to get better results (All I need is your support boss)
  • We lie to grab power or autonomy (Power as adults, autonomy as children)
  • We lie because of self delusion (I never lose at Scrabble)
  • We lie to help others (I saw him wearing his seat belt)
  • We lie to build low self-esteem (I have two purple hearts and a medal for bravery)
  • And the list goes on….

Psychiatrist Dr. Charles Ford wrote “Lies Lies Lies; The Psychology of Deceit” and goes into well researched data why we are such liars. The truth is that humans in groups have a baseline tolerance for lies based on specific societal norms. Our friends, jobs, associates, and peers tell us which are acceptable lies and which are not.  And normally we conform to these norms.  Normally……

Of course, your mileage may vary!

Dr Jay

It’s Not My Fault!

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, oregon, police , , , , ,

If I earned a nickel every time I heard somebody dodge responsibility, I’ve have a nice chunk of change.

In my previous life I was a therapist.  One of the reasons I stopped being a therapist was so many clients needed help yet never benefited from therapy because they refused to take personal responsibility. It was usually someone else’s fault (mother, father, boss, genetics etc.)  One of the mandatory prerequisites for mental health is personal responsibility. Assume responsibility for your life now and for your response to the “cards you’ve been dealt”.

A weight-loss client called me the day after his first session and said :

“That stuff doesn’t work.  I went home and ate a carton of ice cream. If you were any good as a therapist, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.  I want my money back”

I was flabbergasted…. And I sent him a refund. Amazingly, he called and tried to make another appointment, but I declined.

And there is no shortage of denying personal responsibility in my current job as a police officer either.

The first time I heard “These aren’t my pants” from an arrestee (after finding narcotics in his pants pocket), I laughed out loud. I thought that this denial of responsibility was police lore, but since then I’ve heard it at least a dozen times.  I stopped a guy for driving and gabbing on his cell phone.  His response “But they called me”.  An engineer said his job kept him too busy to renew his vehicle registration… “It’s not my fault… It’s my boss” he plead.

A buddy from another city called me to ask how to get out of a photo-ticket.  I encouraged him to just take responsibility for it (if it was him) and pay the ticket.  My neighbor wanted to know the secret to “talking your way out of a speeding ticket”… I told her “Don’t speed”.  A former neighbor texted me after being arrested for shoplifting…. I texted back “take your lumps”.

It seems to be human nature to minimize our culpability in situations when there are consequences.  We are in a “denying responsibility” culture.  Charles Sykes encapsulated it in his title “A Nation of Victims”.

Responsibility is like a coin.  There are two sides.  There is the positive side– Responsibility (taking credit, standing up for your actions, duty); And the negative side– Fault (blame, liability, impeachment, indictment).  But like all things, responsibility is neither all bad nor all good.  There are grey areas.

For me, I like to focus on expanding my positive responsibility.

An interesting concept is how responsibility is actually assumed or how it actually transfers.  In my classrooms I conducted an experiment.  I’d place a $20.00 bill folded over a prop at the front of the room and ask a simple question “Who is responsible for the $20.00 bill?”

I’d hear various responses:

  • “You are”
  • “The US Mint”
  • “Whoever paid your salary”
  • “The bank”
  • “The government”
  • “We are”

Then I’d add another $20.00 on top of the first one and ask “Who is responsible for the $40.00 at the front of the room?”

The answers would continue. The frustration in the room would grow.  I’d continue to add $20.00 bills until there were 10 or so, repeating the same question. “Who’s responsible for the cash at the front of the room?”

I’ve done this experiment over 300 times.  The experiences in the rooms are almost identical.  Some students don’t have much enthusiasm in the beginning…. But when more and more cash is added, the enthusiasm (and frustration) rises.  I usually continue until every attendee is engaged.

After there is some frustration built I ask if they’d like to see how it “works”.  There is usually a group “YEAH”.  I then walk over to the cash take it from where it is and put it in my pocket and say “Responsibility only transfers when somebody takes action”….. Then I ask, “Who wants to play the game again?”

There are several reasons the attendees don’t move:

  • They didn’t know the rules  (I never explained how the game was played)
  • They were afraid of failing (I wouldn’t give them the money)
  • They were afraid of consequences (They think it would be stealing to get free money)
  • They submitted to peer pressure/societal norms (Nobody else moved, so they stayed still.)
  • They didn’t have permission (Either implied or express permission)

But some attendees do eventually get up and walk towards getting the money!  The number of people who actually take action is less than 1/2 of 1%.  About 1 out of every 250 attendees.

Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from this:

“Responsibility NEVER transfers until someone TAKES ACTION”

If you want more responsibility in an area— start taking action.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

What Keeps You Up At Night?

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon , , , , , ,

I am an excellent sleeper.  Some people are good at different things.  I’m good at sleeping.  I was surprised to learn that about 20 – 30% of the US population have problems going to and staying asleep.  As a result about 1 out of 5 Americans sought medical treatment for insomnia.

Insomnia is no small matter.  Medical doctors and other practitioners who study sleeping issues (sleep specialists) treat over 60 million Americans annually.  This epidemic comes at a total cost of over $63.2 billion every year. This figure includes lost productivity, employee turnover, accidents, and opportunity lost as well as the cost of medical treatment.

Physically, to sleep, one must change brain waves from the Beta state (14-30 Hz per second) to Alpha state (7-13 Hz per second) to Theta state (3-7 Hz per second) to Delta state (.5-3 Hz per second).  Brain waves are measured electronically by the patient wearing a skull cap connected to an electroencephalograph (EEG).

EEGEEGMachine

In normal sleeping patients the transition from Beta to Alpha to Theta and Delta comes naturally.  To those with sleep issues there is no normal transition.  Here’s some good news:  There are alternatives to medication and sleep aids. Going to sleep can be improved by practice!  Meditation, yoga, mindfulness and self-hypnosis are all ways to practice and improve changing brain wave states.

Let’s look at the sleep brain wave states and consider some behaviors associated with these brain wave states:

Beta wave state:

  • Walking around
  • Moving
  • Thinking
  • Normal waking state

Alpha wave state:

  • Light relaxation
  • Daydream state
  • Childlike state
  • Focused tasks
  • Visualizations
  • Light hypnosis

Theta wave state:

  • Meditation state
  • Deep hypnosis
  • REM sleep
  • Lucid or waking dreams
  • Light sleep

Delta wave state:

  • Deep sleep
  • Hypnotic “coma”
  • Somnambulist sleep (sleep walking)
  • Physical healing sleep

Aside from the practical side of getting good sleep (feeling better, being more alert, doing a better job, being a better parent/ boss/worker) there are other concerns. Sleep specialist say that a sleep deprived driver is as dangerous as a drunk driver! The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates there are over 100,000 crashes related to sleep deprivation every year.  This caused an estimated 1550 deaths and 71,000 injuries at a price tag of over $12 billion per year (in a recent study).

Better sleep improves relationships with customers, clients, and bosses (or employees).  Better sleep helps us think creatively to solve problems easier.  Creativity keeps us from becoming bored or “stale” on the job.  Better sleep improves memory.  We show more compassion and care more when we are well rested.  Better sleep can even improve your ability to be a better lover!

Here’s an interesting thought– Every night when you lie down for sleep and every morning when you wake up you’re coming through each successive brain wave state to the other.  If you’re sleeping at all, you’re already doing this (unless of course there is a medical condition or significant sleep medications).  Here’s an example you may recognize.  You’ve been trying to remember an old high school teacher’s name… But you can’t.  Then as you’re just about to go to sleep, the name pops into your head!  You’ve relaxed from the Beta brain wave to the Alpha brain wave and you remembered better.  Or you often have “an epiphany” in the shower (as you’re up and getting ready)….  In the shower, sometimes, we are not yet fully awake but are still in the Alpha brain wave state and are “more creative”.  Imagine being able to change brain wave states at will.

You can sleep better.  You can practice to learn to sleep better.  Find a local yoga or mindfulness or meditation instructor and see how your sleep, your productivity, and your creativity can improve.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Let it Be Easy

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, writing , , , , , ,

easybutton

I’ve been writing pithy vignettes with learning or growth insights for more than 10 years.  I have no idea if they’re valuable to anyone other than me.

The narcissist in me wants to believe it’s all about me, of course.  They ‘way-shower’ part of me thinks it’s about leading others.  The father in me thinks it’s about legacy.  The therapist part of me thinks it therapeutic.  The rigid disciplinarian thinks it’s about the regime and the discipline it takes.

My wife told me “That stuff sure comes easy to you”.   I bristled when she said that. I’ve never felt that way.  Ease wasn’t part of my vernacular when it came to writing.  The Puritan ethos I absorbed as a child placed more value on “hard work” and “working for what you earned”.  Easy was almost a dirty word.  I didn’t value what “comes easy”.

There are things that “come easy” to me.  I can stand in front of a crowded room and speak with almost no effort.  I can visualize building projects without blueprints.  I have a good ear for music and language.  I can easily distinguish Spanish from Portuguese (and I speak neither).  I can create conversation with almost anybody.  Cooking with no recipe is easy for me.  Still, I don’t value that which “comes easy”.

Ten years ago I went to an advanced hypnotherapist training (then located in Santa Fe, NM). I’d never studied existentialism in much detail.  There, at the Academy, I spent six months of 40 hour weeks immersed in new thought, yoga, meditation, humanistic existentialism, clinical practice, and “hypno-thinking”.  It was good for me.

I remembered a meditation/hypno session with one of my instructors.  The theme was “walking through open doors”.  The sub-theme was “let it be easy”.   The lesson was that doors open and we walk through them with little effort.  There are paths in the universe that are open to us and life doesn’t have to be a struggle.  We can reduce strife by going through the open door and allowing life to happen.  Stop worrying about “making it happen” and trust the path you’re on.

Intellectually I understand this thinking.  I know we have no control over that which is external to us and the only control we have in life is our response (or reaction).  My guts, however, do not agree.  My guts revert back to “narrow is the way that leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matt. 7:13).  As a child I learned that the “easy” path was wrong and the ‘good’ path was hard and strident and challenging.  There seemed to be little ease on the ‘good’ path.  Damn my guts.

Actually there is no discrepancy between the Bible phrase and existentialism.  There are actually few people who “let it be easy” and find the ‘good’ path.  Most people lead with their wounds and fears and scars and disappointments and strife and blah blah blah.  Being on the narrow path that leads to a fuller life is a choice… a choice to “let it be easy”.

Now I know these pithy writings are really lessons to me…. Hopefully you enjoy them too.

And my retort to my wife was “There is no writing… it’s all re-writing. And re-writing is easy”

Of course, your mileage may vary

Dr Jay