police

Who is Your Hero?

Jay Irvin bravery, courage, growth, hero worship, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, psychology , , , , , , , , ,

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a culture we’ve confused celebrity with heroism. We’ve confused fame with nobility. I am saddened by this thinking.

Being considered a hero used to mean you had to have accomplished something that was significant or contributed to society.  You walked on the moon (Neil Armstrong) or led civil rights (Dr King) or averted a nuclear war (Cuban Missile Crisis, President Kennedy) or explored and developed new areas (Daniel Boone) or led an expedition (Lewis & Clark) or conquered the highest mountain (Edmund Hillary) or did something.

Today, most of the celebrity “heroes” are music moguls or athletic stars: They are entertainment figures. I believe music and sports have a place in culture and there are notables in both fields.  Some notables are iconic…. But not heroes. They are famous… But not heroes.  They have celebrity, but are not heroes.

I guess it all comes down to your definition of “hero” or “heroine”.   The generally recognized definitions of hero are: :

  • a mythological or legendary figure
  • one admired for great courage or noble qualities
  • an object of extreme admiration and devotion

The word “hero” comes from Greek “heros” meaning demi-god.  A demi-god is one who isn’t quite a god yet, but has more power than a mere mortal.  To be clear, I’m using the term “hero” which is the masculine form.  “Heroine” implies the same, but in feminine form.  “Heroine” was first used in c.1650.

Webster’s first definition seems to fit the form of demi-god.  Persons held in mythological stature (sometimes fables) from embellished stories passed through generations (Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Robin Hood). Or “super-hero” fantasy characters (Superman, Bat-man, etc.)

For me, the second definition is the one that resonates.  Those people who demonstrate courage or bravery and maintain noble qualities (9/11 responders, combat veterans, those working to help less fortunate: nurses, firefighters, police officers).  These are the people that very seldom become famous but continue to do a difficult thankless job in spite of the lack of rewards.

A real hero is a mom who continues to “do the right thing” even when the no-good dad is nowhere to be found.  A real hero is the teacher’s aide who gives a hungry child a snack from her personal lunch stash.  A real hero is the anonymous citizen who shepherds a lost child until the child is safe.  A real hero is the Average Joe giving CPR until medics show up.  A real hero doesn’t have anything to do with popularity or celebrity.  Most heroes are the unsung ones.

I met a couple of real heroes yesterday.  I had the honor of helping at a fund-raiser for Special Olympics.  There I met a  married couple who happened to be corrections Captains. They have been volunteering for this charity for nearly two decades. Yesterday they spent a 12 hour unpaid Saturday helping make dreams come true for the less fortunate.  They are real heroes, yet there were no TV cameras or media blitz.  They did it because of their noble ideals.

The last definition of heroism is probably the most popular and disappointing (to me).  Idol-worship.  Fame based heroism.  I threw up a little in my mouth when I typed that.  Some celebrities rebel against this archetype– (“I am not a role model”- Charles Barkley).  However most celebrities revel in the hyperbole and believe the hero worship.

I don’t think I’ve ever understood our national fascination with celebrity.  I can’t identify the Kardashians out of a police line up. I think this has to do with my upbringing.  I grew up without television.  My mom was a religious nut and thought TV was evil.  She was serious about it.  My sister and I were not allowed to watch TV at friend’s houses and we were trained to turn away from televisions when we saw them on display in a department store.  Weird, huh?

There were some good side effects from growing up without TV.  I became a prolific reader.  I learned to listen and talk with anybody. I never idolized sports figures nor TV celebrities. The people I held in esteem as heroes were ones I met through our social circles (Lester Roloff, Fred Sink, Joe Hege) or ones I read about (Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earhardt, Harry Truman, Apostle Paul, Lincoln, Gandhi, Da Vinci, Shakespeare, Newton, Helen Keller, and the list goes on).

But this isn’t about me.  This is about how we as leaders can effect positive change in our circles of influence. How can we create a shift away from idol worship to true heroism?  Here are some ideas:

  • Set the example. Know your own heroes.  Make your ‘walk’ congruent with your ‘talk’
  • Look for unsung heroes and acknowledge/reward them. What gets rewarded get repeated.
  • Teach values other than becoming famous or popular.  Realize social media “likes” or being popular aren’t good indicators of character or nobility.
  • Know good character is a developed trait. More practice makes better character.  Build yours and theirs.
  • Recognize every real-world hero is human and fallible– They make mistakes AND may still be heroic.  Just because you make mistakes doesn’t necessarily make your actions less heroic. (Think heroic effort)
  • Understand “anti-heroes” and learn why we like them (Bonnie & Clyde, Sopranos, Blackbeard)

Psychologically we need heroes. They give us inspiration and help us aspire to our “higher selves”. And we will find heroes… Consciously or not.  It’s better to make your heroes ones you choose, not ones the media or your boss or your social circle chooses for you.  You are in charge of your own narrative. You can live the life you’ve imagined!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Why You Matter

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, shootings , , , , , , ,

YouMatter

I’ve been noodling on the recent mass shootings. Like most people I’ve been trying to concoct some solutions to these horrors.  Like most people who’ve done this, I feel like I’ve  been banging my head on the wall.  As I’ve said before, I don’t have the answer…. But maybe I have a partial solution…. Maybe

Most of the recent shooters are male, disenfranchised, marginalized, and emotionally unstable.  You know that guy.  The one everybody avoids because he’s “weird”.  The one that has a hard time engaging in conversation and connecting with others.  Now I’m not saying all misfit loners are going to get a semi-automatic and start creating chaos…. Not by a long shot…. But….

I used to know that guy in school.  He was David.  David was the guy who was quiet in class… Drawing coffins and skulls and vampires in his notebook.  David always had a “weird” sense of humor.  He focused on the macabre and other-world stuff.  David was a bit of a geek.  David is the guy some suspected police would find murdered children under the floorboards of his kitchen when he was grown.  David didn’t have friends and was a loner. Other kids talked about him in ‘hushed tones’.  Kids can be cruel. Teachers can be even meaner. They weren’t so ‘hushed toned’ when it came to criticism of him.

David was a pudgy, wire-haired kid who was in-the-closet gay.  This was the early 1970’s and it was also the south.  Gay wasn’t accepted, much less celebrated.  If I remember correctly David presented as more confused sexually than gay.  He was supposed to like girls, but that never clicked for him.  But he couldn’t like boys either, that was forbidden.  It was something we never discussed.

These were the days before Dungeons and Dragons,  LARP, or Star Wars. There was no cable TV, no Sci-Fi channel and of course, no internet.  We only had black rotary phones and 3 television stations.

If he was in school today he’d probably lean toward the “goth” or “zombie” kids. And he might have been too shy to associate with them.

David was also my cousin.  We were related and I was expected to associate with him in school.  I wasn’t a popular kid either.  I was 6’0″, skinny, gangly, be-speckled, a bit of an egg-head/nerd, and socially inept.  But David was family and I had an obligation (based on my parents expectations) to befriend David. So I did.

In the beginning I had lunch with David about every other day.  After a few weeks a couple more boys joined the table and we had lunch everyday together.  There at the table were four misfits talking about what adolescent boys talk about.  For us it was tractors and motorcycles and NASCAR and trying to make some money from part-time jobs and laughing about ole Mrs Hackney sleeping in class and fart jokes.  David, Randy, Eddie, and I;  Unlikely associates at best… Definitely not a cool kids club.

David grew up and became a mortician. He was more comfortable around those who did not judge or make fun of him.  Later, he was a respected funeral director and eventually came out of the closet.  He had a loving partner for 20+ years and died an untimely death at 50 due to a heart attack.  There were no dead children under his kitchen floorboards.

Randy’s dreams of being a great FFA agriculturalist crumbled and he eventually became a supervisor in an industrial plant. He married (against all odds) and raised a family.  He has 4 grand-kids now and hopes to retire at 68.  He owns his house, his truck, his garden, and a boat.  Only 13 more years to retire and enjoy it all.

Eddie wanted to be a famous motocross rider and loved American motorcycles.  When he was 13 he scored an Indian trail bike.  Eddie died on his Harley in a motorcycle crash at age 24.

I became what and who I am.

None of us fulfilled the negative expectations of our parents or teachers or peers.  All of us turned out OK.  Why? Maybe because we had people we connected with.  Even if it was an unlikely connection, originally forced by my parents. Maybe because we knew we were all different and didn’t fit in (kinda like all teens), but found a place to fit.

And maybe this is a partial solution to the present-day shooter situation. Maybe, if we engage one loner;  if they feel the connection we offer; maybe we can prevent one casualty.  Maybe.

Maybe they are weird and maybe they rebuff our attempt at human connection.  But what could be the pay off?  Is it possible we could prevent/abort/stop a mass shooting before it occurs?  Maybe, just maybe.   Like I said, It’s a long shot.

It’s time we get from behind our smartphones and tablets and ‘business’ and connect with another human.  Go out of your way to connect with a live human.  It will not be comfortable at first…. And parents, it’s time we teach our children to engage with others; And not just on social media… Teach them to connect even to the different kids…. You know, the marginalized ones.

Know, as you connect with these people, you’re planting seeds of kindness that may grow to something more valuable.  It doesn’t take an education. It doesn’t take money.  It doesn’t take a great sacrifice on your part.  What it does take is a small decision to help change things where and when you can.  And if you detect some threat, call for help.  The more we connect and know, the better we become as a society.

All I’m saying is you can make a difference.  And that’s why You matter!

And as always:  Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

All Hail the Gatekeeper

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, police , , , , , ,

Gatekeepers are vital as standard bearers.  Good ones keep the standards high and insure consistent realization of organizational goals.  Bad gatekeepers can be an organization’s worst nightmare. I hope you don’t know any.

Good gatekeepers are as vital as good leadership.  Leaders base their decisions and vision on the information and resources at hand. Gatekeepers often provide that information and those resources. Gatekeepers are in positions of trust and sometimes leaders delegate decisions to gatekeepers to keep an organization running smoothly.  Intentionally or not, gatekeepers filter or color the information and resources that are available to the decision makers. Gatekeeping is a powerful position.

Was it the New Testament that said “With great power comes great responsibility”?  No, wait, that was Cliff Robinson as Uncle Ben in Spider-Man.

A couple of years ago we lost the chief of our organization because of “bad gatekeeping”.  I don’t think anybody else used that phrase, but this is what happened.  The boss wouldn’t allow any information to go to his boss unless it went through him.  He was a bad gatekeeper to the city manager (his boss). Our ex-chief set the example for bad gatekeeping to his supervisors and leadership team. He tolerated, encouraged, and rewarded the tenets of bad gatekeeping.

Eventually the city manager saw the damage the chief was doing to the organization.  The city manager fired him (again, they used a different term).

The chief’s bad gatekeeping practice destroyed morale, stifled creativity, caused conflict, created turnover, prevented forward growth, stopped communication, caused lawsuits, created a culture of distrust, and created a culture of “yes-men”. Our organization didn’t crumble, but it was close.  It’s been almost 3 years since that departure and the organization is not yet healed.

Bad gatekeeping  tenets are displayed in many ways:

  • Hiring form over function
  • Value style over substance
  • Keeping a “cool kids club” alive
  • Not allowing dissenting ideas
  • Discouraging “out of the box” collaboration
  • Using “know you/like you” as a main criteria for advancement
  • Refusing to allow/appreciate criticism
  • Never (rarely) admits making errors or mistakes (doesn’t tolerate those who do)
  • Have only ONE way to get results
  • Making all (important) decisions go through them
  • Can’t or won’t delegate anything but the most trivial items
  • Holding grudges or personal agendas
  • Develop personal insecurities
  • Find quick fixes without addressing the real issues

Many of the negative stereotypes of bad bosses can be encapsulated as “bad gatekeeping”.  Bad gatekeepers learn from their bosses.  If they violate the tenets of doing what the boss wants, there is “hell to pay”.  One of the lessons that sent a chill through our organization was the demotion of a Commander to Lieutenant because the demoted party violated several “bad gatekeeping” tenets of the now-fired Chief.  The Commander didn’t do “wrong” but the message was clear to the rest of the organization:  “Be a ‘yes man’, never offer anything that could be construed as criticism, don’t disagree, or suffer consequences”.

Good gatekeepers are almost the opposite.  They:

  • Welcome/allow/encourage criticism and negative feedback
  • Delegate and hold themselves and others accountable
  • Know they are fallible
  • Admits/allows mistakes– use mistakes as a learning platform
  • Know that questions build strength
  • Hire/promote substance with style
  • Promote relationships and transparency
  • Allow “team” think
  • Very secure in who they are and what they do
  • Seek long term solutions

An encouraging turn of events is that this Lieutenant was bruised, but not destroyed because of the horrible demotion.  The Lieutenant stayed true to “good gatekeeping” principles and continues making a positive difference.

This isn’t a diatribe about a specific bad gatekeeper I have encountered or observed.  Personally I like the ex-chief– (He hired me; he took a chance on an old guy)…  But I do wish those entrusted with leading and gatekeeping had values similar to good gatekeeping.  I wish I didn’t see it as a system problem and could just “blame” one individual.  I can’t.

My hope is these “bad gatekeepers” think they are “just doing the right thing”…  I hope they think that….. Otherwise their decisions would make them a force for evil, not just making misguided decisions.  It has to be misguided… Anything else would break my heart.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Truth, Lies, and Other Ambiguous Topics

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police , , , , , ,

None of us could live with a habitual truth teller; but, thank goodness, none of us has to.            —–Mark Twain

Time Magazine ran an interesting article a few years ago that confirmed liars lie.   University of Amsterdam researchers used grant money to come to that conclusion.   I’m guessing it doesn’t take advanced degrees to figure out admitted liars lie, but now it’s certified and the article is listed as a professorial publishing for some doctoral candidate…. So maybe there was some benefit to the research.

We expect to meet some liars — Politicians, car sales professionals, a late night ‘pick-up’ artist, kids with their hand in the cookie jar, drunk drivers admitting to having “two” beers, and the list goes on….

Famous defense attorney Gerry Spence said he never lost in court because he always told the truth and never lied.  When I read that I wondered how he defined “truth”.   On the street I know the “truth” is elusive.  I hear the victim. I hear witnesses. I hear the suspect. I look at the evidence. The stories NEVER match and the evidence is usually sparse.  But I must find “truth”.

As a police officer there is an expectation that I do not lie while conducting official business.  If a police officer is involved in an integrity investigation and it is determined that the officer lied, that officer will eventually lose certification and not be allowed to work in law enforcement.  If a police officer lies in court, that officer becomes a “Brady officer” and cannot testify in court again without the previous lies becoming a matter of record.

Lying comes in many forms:

  • A false statement presented as true (I didn’t eat your cake)
  • An attempt to deceive or give false impression (I’m sorry you didn’t get promoted)
  • An attempt to not hurt feelings (That hair cut looks good on you)
  • Omitting an important or salient fact  (Seems good to me… Omitting that you haven’t really examined it)
  • Broken promises (Sure I’ll be there… with no intention)
  • Exaggeration (I bench 350 pounds)
  • Plagiarism (Pretending something is your original work, and it’s not)
  • Rationalism (Simply stated: Rational lies)

The truth is that humans lie, even when we intend to tell the truth.  Part of our lying is based on bias.  When we have a perception that what we are saying is ‘the gospel’ then it is…. From our point of view.  If you believe Tea Party dogma and espouse their ideals you may not think you’re lying, but there is a bias present.  If you think the Koch brothers are altruistic you may have a skewed perception. If we “preach” the liberal party line we may miss the “truth”.   Failing to acknowledge our bias may make us inadvertent liars.

And we participate in systemic lies.  I wear deodorant because I don’t want you to know the truth about me.  Without deodorant I may have body odor.  Hair coloring, false nails, false eyelashes, creative make-up, and push-up bras are all systemic lies.  Generally we appreciate the results systemic lies give us (we rationalize), but still they are attempts to hide the “truth”.  Or is a well made up, beautifully coiffed, enchantingly dressed woman really the “truth”?  Depends on your perception or bias.

When we lie, we lie for a reason. Sometimes the reason is conscious and sometimes it’s unconscious.

  • We lie to avoid negative consequences. (I did not leave the door open)
  • We lie to “fit in”. (Oh, I like hip-hop too)
  • We lie to be social (Yeah, it’s a great party)
  • We lie to be liked (Great chili!)
  • We lie to get better results (All I need is your support boss)
  • We lie to grab power or autonomy (Power as adults, autonomy as children)
  • We lie because of self delusion (I never lose at Scrabble)
  • We lie to help others (I saw him wearing his seat belt)
  • We lie to build low self-esteem (I have two purple hearts and a medal for bravery)
  • And the list goes on….

Psychiatrist Dr. Charles Ford wrote “Lies Lies Lies; The Psychology of Deceit” and goes into well researched data why we are such liars. The truth is that humans in groups have a baseline tolerance for lies based on specific societal norms. Our friends, jobs, associates, and peers tell us which are acceptable lies and which are not.  And normally we conform to these norms.  Normally……

Of course, your mileage may vary!

Dr Jay

It’s Not My Fault!

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, oregon, police , , , , ,

If I earned a nickel every time I heard somebody dodge responsibility, I’ve have a nice chunk of change.

In my previous life I was a therapist.  One of the reasons I stopped being a therapist was so many clients needed help yet never benefited from therapy because they refused to take personal responsibility. It was usually someone else’s fault (mother, father, boss, genetics etc.)  One of the mandatory prerequisites for mental health is personal responsibility. Assume responsibility for your life now and for your response to the “cards you’ve been dealt”.

A weight-loss client called me the day after his first session and said :

“That stuff doesn’t work.  I went home and ate a carton of ice cream. If you were any good as a therapist, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.  I want my money back”

I was flabbergasted…. And I sent him a refund. Amazingly, he called and tried to make another appointment, but I declined.

And there is no shortage of denying personal responsibility in my current job as a police officer either.

The first time I heard “These aren’t my pants” from an arrestee (after finding narcotics in his pants pocket), I laughed out loud. I thought that this denial of responsibility was police lore, but since then I’ve heard it at least a dozen times.  I stopped a guy for driving and gabbing on his cell phone.  His response “But they called me”.  An engineer said his job kept him too busy to renew his vehicle registration… “It’s not my fault… It’s my boss” he plead.

A buddy from another city called me to ask how to get out of a photo-ticket.  I encouraged him to just take responsibility for it (if it was him) and pay the ticket.  My neighbor wanted to know the secret to “talking your way out of a speeding ticket”… I told her “Don’t speed”.  A former neighbor texted me after being arrested for shoplifting…. I texted back “take your lumps”.

It seems to be human nature to minimize our culpability in situations when there are consequences.  We are in a “denying responsibility” culture.  Charles Sykes encapsulated it in his title “A Nation of Victims”.

Responsibility is like a coin.  There are two sides.  There is the positive side– Responsibility (taking credit, standing up for your actions, duty); And the negative side– Fault (blame, liability, impeachment, indictment).  But like all things, responsibility is neither all bad nor all good.  There are grey areas.

For me, I like to focus on expanding my positive responsibility.

An interesting concept is how responsibility is actually assumed or how it actually transfers.  In my classrooms I conducted an experiment.  I’d place a $20.00 bill folded over a prop at the front of the room and ask a simple question “Who is responsible for the $20.00 bill?”

I’d hear various responses:

  • “You are”
  • “The US Mint”
  • “Whoever paid your salary”
  • “The bank”
  • “The government”
  • “We are”

Then I’d add another $20.00 on top of the first one and ask “Who is responsible for the $40.00 at the front of the room?”

The answers would continue. The frustration in the room would grow.  I’d continue to add $20.00 bills until there were 10 or so, repeating the same question. “Who’s responsible for the cash at the front of the room?”

I’ve done this experiment over 300 times.  The experiences in the rooms are almost identical.  Some students don’t have much enthusiasm in the beginning…. But when more and more cash is added, the enthusiasm (and frustration) rises.  I usually continue until every attendee is engaged.

After there is some frustration built I ask if they’d like to see how it “works”.  There is usually a group “YEAH”.  I then walk over to the cash take it from where it is and put it in my pocket and say “Responsibility only transfers when somebody takes action”….. Then I ask, “Who wants to play the game again?”

There are several reasons the attendees don’t move:

  • They didn’t know the rules  (I never explained how the game was played)
  • They were afraid of failing (I wouldn’t give them the money)
  • They were afraid of consequences (They think it would be stealing to get free money)
  • They submitted to peer pressure/societal norms (Nobody else moved, so they stayed still.)
  • They didn’t have permission (Either implied or express permission)

But some attendees do eventually get up and walk towards getting the money!  The number of people who actually take action is less than 1/2 of 1%.  About 1 out of every 250 attendees.

Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from this:

“Responsibility NEVER transfers until someone TAKES ACTION”

If you want more responsibility in an area— start taking action.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

The Unwitting Liberal

Jay Irvin opinion, police , , ,

Check almost any recent news media and you’ll find stories of an unprovoked, impossible to understand shooting tragedy.  Some imbalanced murderous psychopath kills innocents.  Theaters, colleges, grade schools, malls, fast food courts, recruiting stations, city hall, churches.  There is no place protected from this unimaginable horror.

I tire of the talking heads spouting “fixes”:  One shouts “Gun control!”  The next yells “More mental services” Another screams “More guns”.  The vitriol between the factions is amazing to me. Many good people are willing to politicize these tragedies to “prove” they are “right”.  We are witness to an unfathomable problem in our society and all we do is bicker.

I’m not a flaming liberal.  I am not a curmudgeonly conservative. I am a both. I am neither.

If my dad read that line, he’d spin in his grave.  He was a hard-core blue collar bible-thumping conservative.  And he raised me to be the same. I was told that you must be on one side or the other.  Black or white. In or out. Up or down. Good or evil.  I was reminded to be “hot or cold” otherwise if I was lukewarm, I’d be “spewed out”  (Rev. 3:16). There was zero tolerance for moral relativism.  There were no “situational ethics”– It (whatever it was) was ethical or not! There is no compromise.

With this language and thinking it seemed that there is only one good…. And everything else that is not that is evil.

Life may seem easier when you see a world full of dichotomies and you must pick one and only one.  But real life doesn’t work that way.  There are infinite shades of grey between black and white.  I am not a fan of wishy-washy either.  I am a fan of working to find solutions no matter where the solution comes from.

So maybe the answer is arming a few teachers– And maybe it is smarter gun laws– And maybe it is more mental health checks– And maybe it is __________?  Truth is, I don’t know what the best answers are. But I do know we, as a culture, can’t continue to tear each other apart and find the solutions.

Whenever we ridicule an idea because it came from the other side, we are being stupid. There is no other side. We all breathe the same air. We all drink the same water.  We all face the same fate– (We all become worm food at some point).

There is evil and hurt and pain and fear and ugliness in the world.  I experience it every day.   But good greatly outweighs evil. And just because you disagree with me doesn’t make me evil.

I was sitting on the ledge of a 6 story parking garage trying to coax a “jumper” back to safety.  She saw the world as black and white. Either she could visit her husband (he was in prison) or she was jumping to her death. This is an extreme example of dichotomous thinking. And how does it relate to mass shootings?  Here’s how: If we continue to believe the  all or nothing mentality we usually follow a similar path that the “jumper” followed–that path of irrational thinking.  Hopefully not ‘jumping off a bridge irrational’, but you get the point.

Finding a solution to stop shooting tragedies is not a zero sum game. We can find a solution– if we work together.  BTW the “jumper” did come back to safety– after 3 and a half hours of coaching and talking and negotiating with several rational minded people she elected to get the help she needed.  Imagine how her response may have been different if the crisis team believed the all or nothing mentality.

It’s time to become a better father, husband, neighbor, citizen, police officer, dog owner.  I’ve got to remember the small kindnesses.  I must never forget to be grateful. I must remember to cherish the moments as I experience them. I’ve got to remember to be tolerant…. even to intolerant people…. I must remember, they’re not evil; they’re just  ….  irrational. .

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Misery Loves Company

Jay Irvin opinion, police , , , ,

Misery-Loves-Company

In my job I am witness to incredible misery.  Everyday I visit with and experience the misery of others.  I often see people on their very bad, no good day.  Nobody calls the police when things are rosy.

I witnessed a struggling single mother with three kids just trying to hang on to her sanity.  From a childhood of rape and abuse to an abusive husband to trying to stop the cycle of abuse. There she stood: no money, crappy house, emotionally distraught and disturbed kids, creepy landlord, vicious neighbors, minimal support system…. I watched the tears stream down her face because to her it all seems so futile. And I’m helpless to help.  There is no police solution. This is not my first time in their home.  It won’t be my last. I can’t fix it….. All I can do is stand there and listen.  So I do.

A drug addicted man on the verge of being homeless came into the police station today.  He asked for me by name.  He told me he was frightened in his living situation.  I could see the effect his narcotic of choice was having on him as twitched and rocked and clenched his jaw while he sat before me.  He rambled on about his issues… some of which may have been imagined….  All I can do is sit and listen.  So I do.

A transient came running up to my patrol car to say “Hi”.  She’s 50 going on75.  At one time she was a fitness instructor but those days are passed.  Now her mind is scrambled from meth and pills.  She’s living her misery on the mean streets.  She wanted to tell me about getting yelled at by somebody.  But there is no police solution. All I can do is listen for a minute…. and make an escape.

A thirteen year old boy was hiding between the foot of his bed and the wall in a space about 15″.  His mom called because he threatened her.  She sleeps with a baseball bat by her bed. She’s afraid he will attack her while she’s asleep.  He has some emotional stuff caused by abuse and trauma.  He was in misery and wanted company but he didn’t trust men.  There is no police solution.  I couldn’t even listen… because he wouldn’t talk.  I could only “be there”…. So I was.

“Tiny” used to be 6’7″.  Now, at 60 he isn’t.  Life has not been kind to him.  Emotional and mental issues, heart problems, epilepsy, diabetes….. you name it, Tiny probably has it.  Tiny was upset over roommate problems. Tiny was having a miserable day.  Tiny is also an incredible artist.  Once the conversation went from problems to art and music Tiny’s day got slightly better.  Because there was no police solution, all we did was listen…..

The common thread between these (and 100’s of other stories) is how a couple minutes of compassion eases the pain.  Just giving a little company seems to ease the misery for a minute.  Once the pain and misery are relieved (if only for a minute) the problems get better…. So that police are no longer needed. This is astonishing to me. Not sure that being a compassionate companion was in my job description… But it should have been.

Imagine compassion coming from me…. a guy they call “salty” and “grumpy” and “gruff”…. Don’t let this get out…. It’ll ruin my reputation as a hard-ass.

Maybe it’s “Company heals Misery”….

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Heartbreak in Beetown

Jay Irvin opinion, police , , , ,

I am an apiarist.  To be more precise, I am a novice first year, single hive beekeeper.  To say “I’m an apiarist” implies I know what I’m doing.

For the last couple of years I’ve been talking about getting honey bees.  I read a few books. I attended a couple of classes. I joined the local beekeeper’s club. I watched countless educational videos. I’ve learned enough to “be dangerous”.  This spring I stopped planning and acted. (More on that topic later…)

I started with a nuclear colony hive (about 6,000 bees) and grew my hive to about 90,000 bees.  My bees were doing well.  First year beekeepers do not expect to harvest any significant amount of honey.  I ‘robbed’ one frame (about 1/2 gallon) and was delighted to get it.

During the fall and winter months bees live on the honey they’ve gathered and stored. If a beekeeper takes too much honey the hive will suffer.  I knew my bees would be OK.  They had 15 full frames of honey stored.

Originally, when I placed the bee hive, my wife was skeptical.  She had an unfriendly attack from stinging flying insects when she was young and said she “didn’t like bees”.  Mistaking bees for wasps or yellow jackets is a common misconception. Bees are almost never aggressive.  Yellow jackets, on the other hand, are assholes.  It’s as if wasps and yellow jackets are perpetually ‘roids raging.

Fact is I was never stung by my bees.  I’ve been in their hive, pushing, prodding, moving, changing every 10 days or so… No stings to any family members either.  Our garden flourished more than ever. My apple trees and grape vines had bumper crops.  Yay bees. Yay pollination.

Bees do have predators.  Mice, ants, skunks, raccoon, wasps, hornets, and yellow jackets to name a few.

My hive was attacked by predator yellow jackets.  I tried everything I know to get rid of the yellow jackets and protect the hive; but I lost the war.  This evening I discovered my bees were decimated and all (I mean ALL) the honey was robbed. Yellow jackets killed my bees and stole their honey. I was heartbroken.

I didn’t protect my tender bees. I let them down. They were vulnerable and I under-estimated their enemy.  This is hard & painful learning experience.  And I’m not sure what the learning lesson is exactly.

In my alter ego I protect the vulnerable. I stand up for those who can’t help themselves. I am the guardian from the predators.  I keep order. I solve problems and settle disputes.  I lock up the bad guys.  And then in one autumn evening I discover how vulnerable I am to the yellow jacket.

I think my lesson may be to experience humility…. The sheepdog is beaten, not by a wolf– but by lowly flying insects.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Growth is Optional

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, police, problem solving, psychology , , , ,

In my profession, time on the job is a most valued asset.  A 12 year officer is more valuable than a 6 year officer.

I’m not certain this value serves us as a profession very well.  It’s possible to have ten years experience and it’s possible to have one year experience repeated ten times…. Sometimes it’s hard to know which is which.

One of my team leaders would finish police briefing every day with this catch-phrase:  “Drive fast. Take chances”.  Most sergeants close briefing with “Be careful” “Stay safe”  etc, etc.  But ‘Blanco’ (as he is known) knows the difference between 10 years and 1 year repeated 10 times.

OldCop

Blanco was not supporting reckless or risky behavior.  Instead he was passionate about learning something new everyday.  He was about growth.  Blanco knows that if we don’t challenge ourselves we will not grow. He knew that while growth is optional, the options to growth are not good.

It’s like the apples on the trees in my back yard…. Either they are growing or they are rotting on the vine.  In nature, growth is NOT optional.  It’s either growth or slow death.

When I started working for Blanco, he asked me what my goals as a police officer were.  I told him I wanted to become part of the leadership team: I wanted to make Sergeant within 5 years.   ‘Blanco’s’ advice:  Do what makes you uncomfortable. Take risks.  Try new things.  In short he was telling me to not die on the tree… He told me to continue growing.

So my true goal is growth.  Learn something new everyday.

Of course your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

It’s All About Perception

Jay Irvin leadership, police , , , ,

Recently a senior supervisor told me I had a ‘jacket’.

I applied for a supplemental position and didn’t get the position.  According to the leaders present at my interview I was “one of, if not the best, interview”.  Yet I was not selected.  A hard pill for me to swallow.  I needed to find out how I could improve and progress forward.  I interviewed all of the people who had input in the non-selection decision.

I found, to my dismay, that I am perceived as “being anti-[my municipality]”. I was astounded.  I am the most ‘pro’ supporter of my organization, my city, and my bosses!  I could hardly believe the information I got.  But I knew the supervisor was sincere.  She told me I was “probably too direct” and the ‘jacket’ I had was that I “questioned authority”.  She said I probably intimidated some supervisors.

It’s not who you are…. It’s who you appear to be that matters.  Perception is more important than reality. It doesn’t really matter how I see myself… It’s how I’m perceived by others.

A senior officer told me I’d get further in my career if I used these words “Sounds great!”  as my feedback mantra.  He said most bosses perceive most anything else as questioning or threatening. I hope this is not true.

The lieutenant’s feedback was critical and I appreciate it.  I will grow from it and can use it as a learning experience. I’m disappointed I didn’t get the position, but I’m in this job for the long haul.

In other words: “Sounds great!”

Of course, your mileage may vary

Dr Jay