problem solving

Do Be Have

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

BeDoHave2

Years ago I uncovered an idea…. The Do-Be-Have model.  I always thought it was something that came to me out of my consciousness, but I’m sure I heard or read it somewhere.

This was pre-internet. This was when real ink and paper books mattered. I was a voracious reader then (1-2 books a week). I was a military officer (Captain in the US Air Force) and was writing intermittently.

I was going to write a major self-help/pop psychology book.  My working title was:  3 Realities of Life.  I even had a concept for the cover art.  It was about this time (mid/late 1980’s) that the Do-Be-Have model percolated to my mind.  It was Part I of my book.

In short, the Do-Be-Have model is about who we are and how we see ourselves.  It’s about self-identity…. paradigms….the lens you use to view the world.

In Western culture very often we identify who we are by what we DO.  This is the essence of a business card.  And the perennial question at a dinner party…. “So, what do you DO?”  We summarize what we do in one statement.  I’m a street-cop. I teach kids. I work for Intel. I’m retired. I’m a golfer….

The other way we often identify who we are is by what we HAVE.  “I have a doctorate” (I HAVE a college degree) or “I’m a mother” (I HAVE children).  Or I’m a home-owner or I drive a Mercedes or I have cancer or I am a blonde….

Very seldom do we identify ourselves by what we BE.  The essence of humanity is to exist.  We just are.  One of the challenging assignments I have given my classes over the years is to describe oneself by “who you BE”…. without referring what you have or what you do.  Try it… it’s challenging.

If we figure out first who we are (BE) then we can decide what we want to HAVE  (goals, aims, directions) and combine those (Be+Have=Behave).  Behave tells us what to DO.

In our culture we have the order backwards.  We DO first, then figure out what we want to HAVE and usually never worry about BE until a crisis hits.  If we decide we want to HAVE more, we DO more.  This is an illusion, but DOing is limited.  BEing is not limited.  The truth is if we BE more our HAVE will increase.

Part I of the book was Do-Be-Have ….. in great detail.

Part II was the 3 Realities… They are:

  • Reality… The way the world really is… Independent of your bias or mine.  True reality.  No spin.
  • Industreality…. The way the world works.  Girls do this; boys do that.  There is “black or white” “good or bad”. The world of implicit and explicit biases. The why-everything-works-as-it-does reality.  The reality of limitations. Why a runner can’t break a 4 minute mile barrier.  Why carbon based fuel is the future. And other “rules” that will consistently be broken by innovative thinkers and do-ers.
  • Surreality…. The reality of the imagination.  This is the only way to achieve dreams that are worth.  The ability to act “as if” and move through industreality into a new reality that you have created.  This is what Thoreau wrote about.

Part III was how to implement these ideas into practice and move from Industreality to your own Reality.

I haven’t written the book (yet).  I did, however, live the 3 Realities of Life.

I moved from my Industreality of violence and sexual abuse as a child: to my reality of protecting the abused and prosecuting the abusers.

I moved from the Industreality of my family of origin issues; to my reality of having  great family.

I moved from the Industreality of being diagnosed with ‘terminal’ cancer with six months to live; to my Reality of becoming cancer-free five years later.

I moved from the Industreality of losing my health, my job, my family, my business, going bankrupt, and being told “you’re too old”; to my Reality of becoming a street-cop at age 50+.

Maybe I will write that book… maybe…

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Why Failure is Good

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

FailureChinese

Failure can be good for you.  I should know… I’ve done my share of it.

I didn’t always think this way.  I used to judge life by the success I achieved.   I even changed my definition of success  so I could enjoy more success and not have to admit my failures.

“If I learn something from any situation, the learning itself is a success”.       I told myself.

Because I decided to learn something from every situation I didn’t experience much I defined as “failure”.    And I may not have had the growth opportunities associated with failure.

Here are some of my “failures”:

I failed to retire from the US Air Force.  I served 12 years I only had 8 more years of active duty to retire.  Had I done that I would have a pension and health care for life.  Sure, I learned… but not getting a military retirement is a failure.

I failed to stay married.  I’ve been divorced twice.  Yep, I learned a lot from divorce…. But they were still painful…. And I think there are better ways to learn.

I never became a famous chef/restaurant owner.  I got out of the military and pursued my big dream.  I was gonna be the next Emeril Lagasse.   I opened a series of restaurants. I did well in my restaurants.  I earned over a million bucks a year.  And I had some local notoriety.  But my TV and cookbook deals never came.  I couldn’t even get Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives to come to my last joint….. And of course I learned….

I was a professional speaker, making a living talking and training.  I wrote a couple of books…. I even contracted as an adjunct college professors…. But I didn’t sustain my business after 9/11.  I packed it in and re-branded myself as a therapist.

I found some success as a therapist…. but the economic downturn “accelerated my learning” and I moved on….

Now I’m a street cop.  I was rejected for the first six additional duties I applied for.  The rejection is a great learning tool, but in reality I failed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.  Yep… life is full of failures. And so am I….

I’ll tell you what failure is not:

  • Failure is not avoidable.

Failure is not something to be avoided. Denis Waitley says it’s “Fertilizer for success”.  No true success comes without significant failure.

  • Failure is not an event.

Failure, like life and success, is a journey.  There is not one defining circumstance that spells “failure” or “success”.  As long as we continue we have not failed.

  • Failure is not the enemy.

In fact, I’d recommend making failure a friend.

  • Failure is not irreversible.

One of the biggest failures in retail happened in 1985 when Coca-Cola changed the 99 year old recipe for Coke.  Consumers hated it. It only took the company 77 days to bring back and re-brand “Classic Coke”.   The executive that created the fiasco was fired.  And then re-hired  a few years later.

  • Failure is not final.

Failure is only final if you quit.

  • Failure is not a stigma.

Rather, I should say “Failure should not be a stigma”.  FedEx founder Fred Smith told about one of his execs making a $300,000.00 blunder in the early days of the fledgling overnight company.  The executive came in prepared to resign his position after the failure came to light.  Fred wouldn’t accept his resignation.  Fred said “No way I’m losing you, I just invested $300K in your education”

  • Failure is not the goal.

Although I’m coming to grips with the ups and downs in my path, I’m not on the hunt for my next “failure”.  What I do know is that the only person who doesn’t make mistakes (fail) is the person who doesn’t do anything.  And I’m not that guy.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

 

Becoming Stress Resistant

Jay Irvin bravery, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

 

Stress2

I work in a violent field.  I know it’s not politically correct to say that, but it’s true.  While most (98%) of my interactions are civil I am paid and trained to be violent when needed.

Ask any police officer and most will tell you they don’t like violence. But they prepare to be violent when needed.

This very nature of policing is a little schizophrenic. On one hand we don’t like violence, we try to prevent violence, we take steps to avoid violence, we protect the vulnerable from violence….And on the other hand we meet violence with over-whelming violence.  It’s ironic.   And it’s stressful.

Yesterday I attended a critical incident debrief for a situation I was involved in.  This was a peer support debrief with multiple agencies.  There were about a dozen policing professionals at the meeting.

Because of the confidential nature of these briefings I will not disclose the incident or agencies….. But my attendance got me thinking….

One of the things police officers must do is become stress resistant.  We must inoculate ourselves against stress. It’s similar to getting a ‘flu shot’.  It’s not always perfect, but it’s the best we can do against getting ‘sick’.

How do we give ourselves (as police or anybody else) these stress inoculations?   Here are some ways to keep your sanity:

  1. Participate in good training.  Continue learning.  It doesn’t matter if your organization does the training or if it’s one you had to find and fund for yourself…. Do the training.   Train like you work (or fight).  Treat learning as a mandatory part of your job.  Look for learning lessons in every situation so you can always grow.   Budget a certain amount of time and money each month in your own education.  Continue to learn and grow.
  2. Vary your interests.  Be good at multiple things.  If you only do one thing, you’ll become proficient at that one thing…. But you’ll probably become very imbalanced.  For police officers there must be more than “the job”.  Learn to cook.  Write a blog. Study botany. Coach little league. Build furniture. Learn to weld. Build model airplanes. Do something that is NOT cop related. Become good at these additional pursuits.
  3. Remember your family/community.  Stay connected.  It’s easy to disconnect from those who aren’t “on the job”.  Make sure you protect your family time.  Keep a date night.  Remember to play with your kids.  Call your mom or dad… take them flowers.  Sit and visit with family and do NOT talk about work.  If you don’t have family adopt a grandpa or grandma from a care facility.  They’ll appreciate the company and you’ll learn a different perspective.
  4. Allow yourself to be human.  Everybody has weaknesses.  While you may work to overcome your issues, don’t blow them out of proportion and don’t feed into them.  You’re human.  Let yourself be human.  Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The public and the media often have unrealistic expectations for police and public servants.  Most of us are doing the absolute best we can with the tools, equipment, and training we have.  If your head and heart are in the ‘right place’ let the negative expectations of being a super-hero go.
  5. Work to solve your own problems.  Life isn’t fair. Sometimes things won’t go your way.  This seems counter-intuitive to reducing your own stress. It’s not.   Don’t expect the administration or union solve your issues.  You have to look out for you. Know there are many resolutions to any problem and you have to figure the solution that works for you.  If you have raised children you know how important it is to teach children how to problem solve.  Don’t forget to do it for yourself.
  6. Live healthy.  This means something different for everybody.  As I get older I realize less overtime is more healthy for me.  As a young guy I loved the big paycheck…. Not so healthy for me now.  It will be different for you…. Does this mean working out more?  Lowering your cholesterol? Finding a spiritual community you enjoy?  Getting a better mattress for better sleep?  Taking a fishing vacation?  Losing 10 pounds?  Cutting out tobacco?  I don’t know for you.  I do know that as you move towards healthier life choices, you become more stress resistant.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list.  You can create your own.

The challenge is to start thinking differently…..

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

No Quick Fixes

Jay Irvin courage, growth, kids, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, parenting, police, problem solving, psychology , , , , , , , ,

KidTVNO

I knew American society was in trouble13 years ago when Dan Rather had an “in-depth” report on drugs in schools that lasted about 2 minutes.  I can’t write a synopsis to this article in 2 minutes, yet here is a major news icon probing an epic issue with a TV presence about the length of a couple of car commercials and calling it “in-depth”.  Yeah, right.

I think our fascination with believing complex problems can be solved or explained quickly goes back decades.

Our problem began in the 1950’s with the proliferation of television.  GI’s came back from World War II and began living the American dream.  They created suburbs, tract housing, the baby-boom, and bought TVs.  Boomers (as we are called) were born from 1946 -1964.  Being children of “the greatest generation” was lost on us for most of our lives.  We knew things our parents couldn’t have imagined (we thought).  We grew up as TV watchers and TV taught us everything we needed to know (we thought).

TV was more influential that society imagined. In the 1950’s most television programming was a spin-off of vaudeville.  Vaudeville was the primary entertainment media before radios and moving pictures.

The 1950’s TV reflected vaudeville values.  TV shows were a way to generate revenue from commercials through wholesome entertainment. Based on success of some shows (I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners)  TV writers created one hour format dramas and half hour format comedies.  The situation comedy was born.  Television was changed forever.

Sitcoms are designed to fit into a half hour time slot with 22 minutes of programming and 8 minutes of commercials.  The plots are usually thin with familiar characters in a familiar setting.  A show usually starts with a misunderstanding or problem (often cloaked in humorous or sarcastic dialogue), a comic interpretation of the problem, and the resolution of the misunderstanding or problem.  All within 30 minutes.

TV drama series weren’t different.  Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Kojak, Star Trek, Baretta, Streets of San Francisco… etc… All had a similar formula: problem,  plot complication, conflict, and resolution.

The tropes, wardrobes, lingo, and attitudes may have been different, but what didn’t change is the resolution of the problem in 30 – 60 minutes.  This subtle suggestion that complex human problems can be solved in 60 minutes crept into the subconscious mindset of most baby-boomers who were subjected to thousands and thousands of hours of this misinformation.

Resolving complex human issues in 30-60 minutes is an illusion.   So is television, but a child absorbing this information does not know what is real and what is illusory.  There’s the problem.  As we know intellectually, are very few quick-fixes for people problems.  We now have a generation of parents/grandparents/teachers/leaders who don’t recognize this. They want results NOW!  They want an “in-depth” analysis in 2 minutes.  They want a “quick fix”. And most of us have no idea where the internal sense of “I want it now” comes from.

As a generation we created faster everything: cars, bikes, clothing (wash & wear), Velcro, home appliances, microwaves.  We built speedier technology:  transistors over tubes,  calculators vs slide rules, the internet, facsimile machines,  mobile phones, computers, going to the moon, and more.  What we can’t do is solve complex societal issues or interpersonal problems through short cuts and technology.  Why?  Because you can’t fool mother nature.

Example: There is no short-cut to parenting.  Kids still go through developmental stages as they have for centuries. Technology can’t replace parental responsibility or human development.  TV isn’t a baby-sitter.

Example:  There is no short-cut to a good marriage.  Partners have to work together through issues.  Hurt feelings are not always cured in 30 minutes or less.  Technology can’t fix a failing marriage.

Example:  Farmers know you can’t fool mother nature.  If a farmer fails to prepare and plant the field there are no “hacks” to make crops grow.  There is a growing season and nature takes the time it takes.  If you harvest too soon the results are not good.  If you delay harvest the results are not good.  A farmer has to work at the speed of nature.  Period.

In contrast with nature, society moves faster as media speed increases.  Organic solutions do not get faster.  We can’t fix people problems in 30 minutes or less.  We’ve got to think like the  farmer… We have to work at the speed of nature.

There is no 2 minute “in depth” analysis.  There are highlights, talking points, main ideas… yes… But solutions go much deeper.  We need to forget about the quick fix when it comes to people problems.  In my job this is not a popular stance.  As a system we have to work on lasting solutions.

I’ve got some ideas to help move us through this problem…. What are yours?

  • Stop settling for the quick fix
  • Observe and understand nature
  • Become more mindful of what’s happening NOW
  • Think like a visionary… think long term… act that way
  • Stop, listen, learn, teach
  • Be patient with change
  • Remember humans are not technology

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Growth is Optional

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, police, problem solving, psychology , , , ,

In my profession, time on the job is a most valued asset.  A 12 year officer is more valuable than a 6 year officer.

I’m not certain this value serves us as a profession very well.  It’s possible to have ten years experience and it’s possible to have one year experience repeated ten times…. Sometimes it’s hard to know which is which.

One of my team leaders would finish police briefing every day with this catch-phrase:  “Drive fast. Take chances”.  Most sergeants close briefing with “Be careful” “Stay safe”  etc, etc.  But ‘Blanco’ (as he is known) knows the difference between 10 years and 1 year repeated 10 times.

OldCop

Blanco was not supporting reckless or risky behavior.  Instead he was passionate about learning something new everyday.  He was about growth.  Blanco knows that if we don’t challenge ourselves we will not grow. He knew that while growth is optional, the options to growth are not good.

It’s like the apples on the trees in my back yard…. Either they are growing or they are rotting on the vine.  In nature, growth is NOT optional.  It’s either growth or slow death.

When I started working for Blanco, he asked me what my goals as a police officer were.  I told him I wanted to become part of the leadership team: I wanted to make Sergeant within 5 years.   ‘Blanco’s’ advice:  Do what makes you uncomfortable. Take risks.  Try new things.  In short he was telling me to not die on the tree… He told me to continue growing.

So my true goal is growth.  Learn something new everyday.

Of course your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay