Uncategorized

Free Your Mind

Jay Irvin courage, growth, hero worship, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, psychology, Uncategorized , , , ,

GeorgeCarlin

I’ve really enjoyed George Carlin.

I just finished reading his self-described “sortabiography” (Last Words).  George started writing it years ago and his agent/manager finished it for him after his death.

Just like in his comedy show, George doesn’t pull punches.  He writes about his pain and path.

George was a daily pot smoker (no surprise there), a heavy cocaine user, and a functioning alcoholic.  What really disappointed me was Carlin credits his success to his use of LSD. He relates that LSD opened his mind to be more creative and lose the “bullshit” of his upbringing.

Carlin was raised to be hyper-Catholic in a dysfunctional family with an abusive alcoholic father and a manipulative-overbearing mother.  Mom eventually left pops and then poverty became an issue.  George, for the most part, was left to raise himself.  Unfortunately this is not an uncommon tale.

George left home to join the US Air Force at 17.  His plan was to become a radio personality, a comic, get famous, make movies, and then ‘have it made’.  What George didn’t know is that leaving home is only a geographic solution.  While you can move 1,000’s of miles away from home, your ideas of home/family still move with you.  Psych docs call it ‘family of origin issues’.

Trouble followed George and, as can be expected, the military was not a good fit for someone railing against authority.  His Air Force career was cut short and he started his broadcasting career.

George masked his pain and issues by self-medicating.  There was the liquor and pot.  And in the later 60’s he found hallucinogens.

I identified with George up to that point.  I had serious ‘family of origin’ issues.  My mom was a hyper-religious, manipulative over-bearing sort.  My dad was emotionally absent and was not a good man.  We were way below poverty standards.  I escaped to the military.  I left the Air Force prematurely. But I didn’t choose hallucinogens to “free” myself.

I’ve never used LSD or peyote or mescaline.  I’ve never licked a frog to get high.  I’ve never tried cocaine or heroin.  I’ve never even smoked pot (gasp). I don’t understand ‘huffers’.  I drink very little alcohol now.   I did drink too much in my 20’s and 30’s.  But experimenting with drugs is completely foreign to me.

Yet I did find ways to have the success I wanted without drugs.  And I’m still working to achieve additional goals– chemical free.

I have studied the human mind. I have studied how to and have experienced an alternate consciousness via meditation/hypnosis/yoga.  I don’t know if it’s like an LSD high, but it’s close enough for me. My first out of body experience came in 1987 flying back to the US from Spain in the webbing flight seats of a C-141.  There was just enough engine noise and I was just woozy enough to experience this altered state.  It was eye-opening.

I’ve been able to re-create the out of body experience several times and never with drugs.  It’s like any exercise… the more you practice… the better you get.

ALANCohen
Alan Cohen

Years ago I went to a class Alan Cohen taught.  Alan’s course was how to live truer to one’s values…. How to be more authentic….  I’d read and enjoyed Alan’s books…. I liked the way he wrote.  Alan inspired me.  I asked him what the secret to his mind-expansion was… he said “LSD”.  Another potential ‘hero’ down in flames….

But maybe that’s why I’m a good cop. I’m very ‘straight’.   I don’t relish the idea of self-medicating and I don’t wanna ‘get bombed outta my gourd’.  Maybe I’m a self-control freak?

I’ve realized I can learn from anybody.  Even from those I don’t care to emulate.  And I’ve learned I can be happy and create emotional freedom without medication…. perhaps that makes me the lucky one?

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

What Christmas Means to Me

Jay Irvin humor, oregon, police, Uncategorized , , ,

merry-christmas

I’ll be 57 on my next birthday.  I’m a salty street cop.  I’ve been accused of having “resting dick-face”.  I don’t have grand kids to celebrated the wonder of Christmas. Last week, during briefing, my work mates referred to me as ‘Grinch’ because I didn’t express a desire to do a white elephant gift exchange.  Yet I think I’m a sweet sentimental guy who enjoys Christmas.

I did all my Christmas shopping on my own and wrapped each present without any assistance.  I tried to get thoughtful gifts.  I put up outside Christmas decorations (in a downpour). I wear my “Who’s Your Santa” hat.  I listen to Christmas music on the radio.  I say “Merry Christmas” not “Happy Holidays”.   I went with grown kids to the holiday lights on display in the city.

But none of those items are what I was raised to believe Christmas was about.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian home.  My family never had a Christmas tree or holiday decorations.  My mom thought it was “too pagan”.  There was never any talk about Santa.  Santa usurped the celebration of the Christ-child. We read the birth of Christ passages from the KJV bible every Christmas Eve.

We shared gifts in the tradition of the Magi.  Christmas was about the birth of Christ. Christmas was about the spirit of giving. We caroled (to bring cheer to shut-ins). We ate well and shared gifts of food.  Every good child’s wish list always included the phrase ‘fruits and nuts and candy’.

I was taught that God gave his Son to the world.  The Magi brought gifts to the arrival of the god-child. Mary gave the immaculate born son.  And we must give gifts to commemorate the birth of Jesus the Messiah.

This event, Christmas, is the defining holiday for the Christian religion.  In my thinking, religion is about belief, so Christmas is about belief.

My beliefs as an adult are different from the beliefs I inherited as a child. Now my beliefs are not based in religion.  But I still believe in Christmas.

Here’s what I want Christmas to mean to me:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Traditions
  • Love
  • Kindness
  • Eggnog
  • Good food
  • Holiday music
  • Scratching my head trying to find a ‘good’ gift
  • Generous strangers

Unfortunately here’s actually what Christmas usually means to me now:

  • Double-time
  • Domestic violence
  • Drunks
  • Neglected children
  • Drunk drivers
  • Suicidal people
  • More drunks
  • Family beefs
  • Sexual abuse reports
  • Mental health welfare checks

OK…. maybe I am a grumpy, cynical old fart…. But I sure don’t see myself that way… And I like Christmas anyway…

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

Servant Leadership

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

Servantleadership

I was looking through some leadership and management lesson plans from 10 years ago.  I wasn’t just strolling down memory lane….I was on a mission.  My sergeant (knowing my teaching history) asked me to send some leadership/supervisory training material to her.

My sergeant is doing a great job (from my perspective), particularly for a first year supervisor.  And when, as a boss you wanna learn more, this is a good thing.  But I digress.

As I looked through my old work, I was reminded of some leadership fundamentals that I just take for granted.  I assume everybody knows what I know.  The truth is good leadership can be a scarce commodity.

To me the definition of leadership is simple:

Leadership = Influence

I know there are many more complex definitions of leadership, but I think there is more profundity in simplicity.  Either that, or I’m just a simple guy.

Reading back over my teaching notes and looking at my slides I see an obvious connection between attitude and leadership.

So you know, I define attitude as:

The perspective or lens you use to view the world.

Here’s the slide that jumped out at me:

ParadigmDifferences

I know effective leadership is “Esteem based” not “Ego based”, yet how many times do I let my ego get in my way of being effective?  Don’t answer, it’s too many times.

It happened recently. I didn’t feel supported in an issue at work this week (Not involving my sergeant, to be clear).  As I worked through the issue, I know I wasn’t as effective as I could have been because I had a ‘need to be right’.  My ego got in the way.  Good thing I’m still learning and growing as a human….

When I was about 16 or 17 years old a boss told me “To be a good leader you must have a big ego”.  In hindsight, I think he was just trying to justify his huge ego because he was the boss.

I think what my slide really refers to what is called ‘servant leadership‘.  It’s the opposite of ‘power driven’ leadership.

I’m no expert, but I know it when I experience it.  And I hope it’s something I demonstrate it on occasion.   It’s a living example of Ziglar’s “You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want”.

Servant leadership requires working for the greater good.  As a public servant I know this.  Now if I can only live what I know!

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Do Be Have

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

BeDoHave2

Years ago I uncovered an idea…. The Do-Be-Have model.  I always thought it was something that came to me out of my consciousness, but I’m sure I heard or read it somewhere.

This was pre-internet. This was when real ink and paper books mattered. I was a voracious reader then (1-2 books a week). I was a military officer (Captain in the US Air Force) and was writing intermittently.

I was going to write a major self-help/pop psychology book.  My working title was:  3 Realities of Life.  I even had a concept for the cover art.  It was about this time (mid/late 1980’s) that the Do-Be-Have model percolated to my mind.  It was Part I of my book.

In short, the Do-Be-Have model is about who we are and how we see ourselves.  It’s about self-identity…. paradigms….the lens you use to view the world.

In Western culture very often we identify who we are by what we DO.  This is the essence of a business card.  And the perennial question at a dinner party…. “So, what do you DO?”  We summarize what we do in one statement.  I’m a street-cop. I teach kids. I work for Intel. I’m retired. I’m a golfer….

The other way we often identify who we are is by what we HAVE.  “I have a doctorate” (I HAVE a college degree) or “I’m a mother” (I HAVE children).  Or I’m a home-owner or I drive a Mercedes or I have cancer or I am a blonde….

Very seldom do we identify ourselves by what we BE.  The essence of humanity is to exist.  We just are.  One of the challenging assignments I have given my classes over the years is to describe oneself by “who you BE”…. without referring what you have or what you do.  Try it… it’s challenging.

If we figure out first who we are (BE) then we can decide what we want to HAVE  (goals, aims, directions) and combine those (Be+Have=Behave).  Behave tells us what to DO.

In our culture we have the order backwards.  We DO first, then figure out what we want to HAVE and usually never worry about BE until a crisis hits.  If we decide we want to HAVE more, we DO more.  This is an illusion, but DOing is limited.  BEing is not limited.  The truth is if we BE more our HAVE will increase.

Part I of the book was Do-Be-Have ….. in great detail.

Part II was the 3 Realities… They are:

  • Reality… The way the world really is… Independent of your bias or mine.  True reality.  No spin.
  • Industreality…. The way the world works.  Girls do this; boys do that.  There is “black or white” “good or bad”. The world of implicit and explicit biases. The why-everything-works-as-it-does reality.  The reality of limitations. Why a runner can’t break a 4 minute mile barrier.  Why carbon based fuel is the future. And other “rules” that will consistently be broken by innovative thinkers and do-ers.
  • Surreality…. The reality of the imagination.  This is the only way to achieve dreams that are worth.  The ability to act “as if” and move through industreality into a new reality that you have created.  This is what Thoreau wrote about.

Part III was how to implement these ideas into practice and move from Industreality to your own Reality.

I haven’t written the book (yet).  I did, however, live the 3 Realities of Life.

I moved from my Industreality of violence and sexual abuse as a child: to my reality of protecting the abused and prosecuting the abusers.

I moved from the Industreality of my family of origin issues; to my reality of having  great family.

I moved from the Industreality of being diagnosed with ‘terminal’ cancer with six months to live; to my Reality of becoming cancer-free five years later.

I moved from the Industreality of losing my health, my job, my family, my business, going bankrupt, and being told “you’re too old”; to my Reality of becoming a street-cop at age 50+.

Maybe I will write that book… maybe…

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

How to Waste Time

Jay Irvin humor, Uncategorized, writing ,
  1. Get new toys.
  2. Meet new people.
  3. Try a chat room.
  4. Reddit
  5. Cat videos
  6. Seinfeld reruns
  7. Read DVR instructions
  8. Wrap presents
  9. Brush the cat
  10. Fill the dog water
  11. Text a joke
  12. Program your security system
  13. Check out the video on your system
  14. Read a blog
  15. Fiddle with Facebook settings
  16. Search for new FB friends
  17. Connect your freckles with a marker
  18. Scratch your dog’s belly
  19. Scratch your own belly
  20. Watch a commercial
  21. Flip through the channels during a commercial
  22. Check your mailbox
  23. Read your junk mail
  24. Send the response envelopes back empty
  25. Organize your Q-Tips
  26. Sanitize your toothbrush
  27. Clip your nails
  28. Buff your cuticles
  29. Make a snarky list for your blog
  30. Look for snarky lists on blogs
  31. Recycle your coffee grounds
  32. Feed your pets
  33. Pet your pets
  34. Take out the trash
  35. Sort the recycle
  36. Fiddle with your Facebook settings
  37. Google
  38. Reddit again
  39. Read the fine print
  40. Wait on hold
  41. Organize your floss drawer
  42. Think about grade school
  43. Read this til the end
  44. Practice a chuckle

Of course….. your mileage may vary

Dr Jay

Why Failure is Good

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

FailureChinese

Failure can be good for you.  I should know… I’ve done my share of it.

I didn’t always think this way.  I used to judge life by the success I achieved.   I even changed my definition of success  so I could enjoy more success and not have to admit my failures.

“If I learn something from any situation, the learning itself is a success”.       I told myself.

Because I decided to learn something from every situation I didn’t experience much I defined as “failure”.    And I may not have had the growth opportunities associated with failure.

Here are some of my “failures”:

I failed to retire from the US Air Force.  I served 12 years I only had 8 more years of active duty to retire.  Had I done that I would have a pension and health care for life.  Sure, I learned… but not getting a military retirement is a failure.

I failed to stay married.  I’ve been divorced twice.  Yep, I learned a lot from divorce…. But they were still painful…. And I think there are better ways to learn.

I never became a famous chef/restaurant owner.  I got out of the military and pursued my big dream.  I was gonna be the next Emeril Lagasse.   I opened a series of restaurants. I did well in my restaurants.  I earned over a million bucks a year.  And I had some local notoriety.  But my TV and cookbook deals never came.  I couldn’t even get Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives to come to my last joint….. And of course I learned….

I was a professional speaker, making a living talking and training.  I wrote a couple of books…. I even contracted as an adjunct college professors…. But I didn’t sustain my business after 9/11.  I packed it in and re-branded myself as a therapist.

I found some success as a therapist…. but the economic downturn “accelerated my learning” and I moved on….

Now I’m a street cop.  I was rejected for the first six additional duties I applied for.  The rejection is a great learning tool, but in reality I failed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.  Yep… life is full of failures. And so am I….

I’ll tell you what failure is not:

  • Failure is not avoidable.

Failure is not something to be avoided. Denis Waitley says it’s “Fertilizer for success”.  No true success comes without significant failure.

  • Failure is not an event.

Failure, like life and success, is a journey.  There is not one defining circumstance that spells “failure” or “success”.  As long as we continue we have not failed.

  • Failure is not the enemy.

In fact, I’d recommend making failure a friend.

  • Failure is not irreversible.

One of the biggest failures in retail happened in 1985 when Coca-Cola changed the 99 year old recipe for Coke.  Consumers hated it. It only took the company 77 days to bring back and re-brand “Classic Coke”.   The executive that created the fiasco was fired.  And then re-hired  a few years later.

  • Failure is not final.

Failure is only final if you quit.

  • Failure is not a stigma.

Rather, I should say “Failure should not be a stigma”.  FedEx founder Fred Smith told about one of his execs making a $300,000.00 blunder in the early days of the fledgling overnight company.  The executive came in prepared to resign his position after the failure came to light.  Fred wouldn’t accept his resignation.  Fred said “No way I’m losing you, I just invested $300K in your education”

  • Failure is not the goal.

Although I’m coming to grips with the ups and downs in my path, I’m not on the hunt for my next “failure”.  What I do know is that the only person who doesn’t make mistakes (fail) is the person who doesn’t do anything.  And I’m not that guy.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

 

Becoming Stress Resistant

Jay Irvin bravery, growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , ,

 

Stress2

I work in a violent field.  I know it’s not politically correct to say that, but it’s true.  While most (98%) of my interactions are civil I am paid and trained to be violent when needed.

Ask any police officer and most will tell you they don’t like violence. But they prepare to be violent when needed.

This very nature of policing is a little schizophrenic. On one hand we don’t like violence, we try to prevent violence, we take steps to avoid violence, we protect the vulnerable from violence….And on the other hand we meet violence with over-whelming violence.  It’s ironic.   And it’s stressful.

Yesterday I attended a critical incident debrief for a situation I was involved in.  This was a peer support debrief with multiple agencies.  There were about a dozen policing professionals at the meeting.

Because of the confidential nature of these briefings I will not disclose the incident or agencies….. But my attendance got me thinking….

One of the things police officers must do is become stress resistant.  We must inoculate ourselves against stress. It’s similar to getting a ‘flu shot’.  It’s not always perfect, but it’s the best we can do against getting ‘sick’.

How do we give ourselves (as police or anybody else) these stress inoculations?   Here are some ways to keep your sanity:

  1. Participate in good training.  Continue learning.  It doesn’t matter if your organization does the training or if it’s one you had to find and fund for yourself…. Do the training.   Train like you work (or fight).  Treat learning as a mandatory part of your job.  Look for learning lessons in every situation so you can always grow.   Budget a certain amount of time and money each month in your own education.  Continue to learn and grow.
  2. Vary your interests.  Be good at multiple things.  If you only do one thing, you’ll become proficient at that one thing…. But you’ll probably become very imbalanced.  For police officers there must be more than “the job”.  Learn to cook.  Write a blog. Study botany. Coach little league. Build furniture. Learn to weld. Build model airplanes. Do something that is NOT cop related. Become good at these additional pursuits.
  3. Remember your family/community.  Stay connected.  It’s easy to disconnect from those who aren’t “on the job”.  Make sure you protect your family time.  Keep a date night.  Remember to play with your kids.  Call your mom or dad… take them flowers.  Sit and visit with family and do NOT talk about work.  If you don’t have family adopt a grandpa or grandma from a care facility.  They’ll appreciate the company and you’ll learn a different perspective.
  4. Allow yourself to be human.  Everybody has weaknesses.  While you may work to overcome your issues, don’t blow them out of proportion and don’t feed into them.  You’re human.  Let yourself be human.  Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The public and the media often have unrealistic expectations for police and public servants.  Most of us are doing the absolute best we can with the tools, equipment, and training we have.  If your head and heart are in the ‘right place’ let the negative expectations of being a super-hero go.
  5. Work to solve your own problems.  Life isn’t fair. Sometimes things won’t go your way.  This seems counter-intuitive to reducing your own stress. It’s not.   Don’t expect the administration or union solve your issues.  You have to look out for you. Know there are many resolutions to any problem and you have to figure the solution that works for you.  If you have raised children you know how important it is to teach children how to problem solve.  Don’t forget to do it for yourself.
  6. Live healthy.  This means something different for everybody.  As I get older I realize less overtime is more healthy for me.  As a young guy I loved the big paycheck…. Not so healthy for me now.  It will be different for you…. Does this mean working out more?  Lowering your cholesterol? Finding a spiritual community you enjoy?  Getting a better mattress for better sleep?  Taking a fishing vacation?  Losing 10 pounds?  Cutting out tobacco?  I don’t know for you.  I do know that as you move towards healthier life choices, you become more stress resistant.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list.  You can create your own.

The challenge is to start thinking differently…..

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

My Daughter the Teacher

Jay Irvin Uncategorized

Originally written September 2006:

My daughter will turn 16 this year. Sweet sixteen. It’s an appropriate title. She’s been a beautiful, kind, and sweet girl all of her life.

Plus, she’s smart, too. Very smart. Smart enough to give a wonderful lesson to her dad. Smart enough to give a lesson without even trying. Perhaps she wasn’t trying to teach me anything, but she did.

She reminded me of a lesson in faith. Not religious faith but pure, action-do-it-as-you-are-led faith. It’s a lesson I’d shared with her about 4 years ago.

Four years ago I left a successful restaurant, lounge, & Oregon lottery business I owned because I felt like I’d rather earn a living helping people, instead of exploiting their weaknesses. I sold my successful business and moved into the alternative healing, teaching, and behavior change therapy practice.

My daughter had grown up as a restaurateur’s child and understood the restaurant business as good as any 11 year old and better than most adults. I explained my shift in consciousness as the primary reason for leaving the restaurant business. I explained my actions by my faith in doing what I was “supposed to be doing”.

Recently, as I considered my dwindling checking account balance in my new practice, the balance wasn’t what I “thought” it should be. My funds were low. My faith was low.

And as a result I’d considered resuming a job as part-time bartender.

After the years I’d worked in the food and beverage industry as owner/operator, chief cook bottle-washer, and bartender I knew bar money is certain and steady.

But for some reason I couldn’t get any restaurants interested in hiring me. My interview processes went OK, but I couldn’t get a callback.

As we were having our weekend one-on-one meal date my daughter casually asked “Dad, did you get that job?” I was surprised. I didn’t even know she was paying attention to my job stuff.

“Nope” I replied “They didn’t call me back”.

“Well”, she said “You might have made some money, but you’d probably not been happy doing the bartender thing”

“What?” I queried.

“Yeah, remember why you stopped doing it before?” she asked.

Then it hit me. She was calling me on my faith. Better to make money by helping people than exploiting their weakness. Wow….

All I could say was “Yep, you’re right”. The daughter teaches the daddy. Again.

And while I’m sure I am a better dad to her than my dad was to me, I often wonder if I am as good a father as I can be. Am I ‘present’ enough? Am I ‘real’ enough?

Am I living and teaching the life lessons that matter?

I believe the measure of a good training is by the amount of questions one raises, not by the questions one answers. With this measure, my daughter is a wonderful teacher! She sure helps me ask some much needed questions at a time like this.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay