sarcasm

What Christmas Means to Me

Jay Irvin humor, oregon, police, Uncategorized , , ,

merry-christmas

I’ll be 57 on my next birthday.  I’m a salty street cop.  I’ve been accused of having “resting dick-face”.  I don’t have grand kids to celebrated the wonder of Christmas. Last week, during briefing, my work mates referred to me as ‘Grinch’ because I didn’t express a desire to do a white elephant gift exchange.  Yet I think I’m a sweet sentimental guy who enjoys Christmas.

I did all my Christmas shopping on my own and wrapped each present without any assistance.  I tried to get thoughtful gifts.  I put up outside Christmas decorations (in a downpour). I wear my “Who’s Your Santa” hat.  I listen to Christmas music on the radio.  I say “Merry Christmas” not “Happy Holidays”.   I went with grown kids to the holiday lights on display in the city.

But none of those items are what I was raised to believe Christmas was about.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian home.  My family never had a Christmas tree or holiday decorations.  My mom thought it was “too pagan”.  There was never any talk about Santa.  Santa usurped the celebration of the Christ-child. We read the birth of Christ passages from the KJV bible every Christmas Eve.

We shared gifts in the tradition of the Magi.  Christmas was about the birth of Christ. Christmas was about the spirit of giving. We caroled (to bring cheer to shut-ins). We ate well and shared gifts of food.  Every good child’s wish list always included the phrase ‘fruits and nuts and candy’.

I was taught that God gave his Son to the world.  The Magi brought gifts to the arrival of the god-child. Mary gave the immaculate born son.  And we must give gifts to commemorate the birth of Jesus the Messiah.

This event, Christmas, is the defining holiday for the Christian religion.  In my thinking, religion is about belief, so Christmas is about belief.

My beliefs as an adult are different from the beliefs I inherited as a child. Now my beliefs are not based in religion.  But I still believe in Christmas.

Here’s what I want Christmas to mean to me:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Traditions
  • Love
  • Kindness
  • Eggnog
  • Good food
  • Holiday music
  • Scratching my head trying to find a ‘good’ gift
  • Generous strangers

Unfortunately here’s actually what Christmas usually means to me now:

  • Double-time
  • Domestic violence
  • Drunks
  • Neglected children
  • Drunk drivers
  • Suicidal people
  • More drunks
  • Family beefs
  • Sexual abuse reports
  • Mental health welfare checks

OK…. maybe I am a grumpy, cynical old fart…. But I sure don’t see myself that way… And I like Christmas anyway…

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

How to Waste Time

Jay Irvin humor, Uncategorized, writing ,
  1. Get new toys.
  2. Meet new people.
  3. Try a chat room.
  4. Reddit
  5. Cat videos
  6. Seinfeld reruns
  7. Read DVR instructions
  8. Wrap presents
  9. Brush the cat
  10. Fill the dog water
  11. Text a joke
  12. Program your security system
  13. Check out the video on your system
  14. Read a blog
  15. Fiddle with Facebook settings
  16. Search for new FB friends
  17. Connect your freckles with a marker
  18. Scratch your dog’s belly
  19. Scratch your own belly
  20. Watch a commercial
  21. Flip through the channels during a commercial
  22. Check your mailbox
  23. Read your junk mail
  24. Send the response envelopes back empty
  25. Organize your Q-Tips
  26. Sanitize your toothbrush
  27. Clip your nails
  28. Buff your cuticles
  29. Make a snarky list for your blog
  30. Look for snarky lists on blogs
  31. Recycle your coffee grounds
  32. Feed your pets
  33. Pet your pets
  34. Take out the trash
  35. Sort the recycle
  36. Fiddle with your Facebook settings
  37. Google
  38. Reddit again
  39. Read the fine print
  40. Wait on hold
  41. Organize your floss drawer
  42. Think about grade school
  43. Read this til the end
  44. Practice a chuckle

Of course….. your mileage may vary

Dr Jay

Writer’s Block?

Jay Irvin humor, opinion, oregon , , ,

writer's block

I really shouldn’t write about “Writer’s Block”.

When I use this phrase it implies I’m a writer or I know something about writing…. Neither is true.  Yeah, I scratch out blog posts and try to put lucid words on virtual paper, but I’ve never been accused of being a writer.  Yet sometimes I think I have writer’s block.

“Write what pops into your head” was the advice one of my success coaches gave me years ago.  She suggested I capture those random thoughts and then shuffle through the ideas and find a theme.  EB White said “The best writing is rewriting”.   And I believe that…. It’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t wanna simply spit out incoherent ideas that have rattled around in my noggin like a radioactive walnut in a rusty soup can.  OK, maybe if you’ve read my work, you can dispute that…. But, I digress. I want to write ideas that may make life a tiny bit better in some way for somebody. Even if it’s only me.

In my life as a professional speaker and trainer I attended a workshop by the great David Rabiner.  David had two points to become a successful motivational speaker:

  1.  Don’t suck .
  2.  Have something important to say.

I’d like to think these pearls of wisdom will transfer to  writing as well.  I know it seems simplistic, but it’s true.  The first point of being technically proficient, is a big deal.  Unfortunately the only thing I know about grammar is that she was married to grampar.

Having something important to say is all in the mind of the listener or reader.  If you’re a Khloe Kardashian fan you may think her utterances are brilliant and she has something important to say….. For me, I had to Google her name to get it spelled right. I only use the name to comment on what is wrong with society celebrating celebrity for being famous without substance…. Or maybe I’m jealous.

I’ll let you decide if I have anything important to say….

So what that really means is:   Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Dirty Dozen Bad Leadership Ideas

Jay Irvin growth, humor, leadership, oregon , , , , , ,

bad-boss

There’s so much written on being a good leader, I thought I’d look at the other side of leadership.

So here goes.  Here’s my “Dirty Dozen” of poor leadership.

  1.  Remember intimidation is almost as good as leadership.  (And it’s quicker) Always keep ’em in their place. Never back down from letting them know who’s the boss.  “Because I said so” is a great refrain to keep this attitude going.  Challenge subordinates to “just try me” when they have a different opinion than you.
  2. Treat everybody the same.  You never have to understand differences between staff members.  You don’t have to gyrate your style to meet the needs of others, after all, you are the boss. They have to adapt to your style, not the other way around!
  3. Take credit for all success.  As the boss you are the reason there is success here anyway.  Remember everything rises on leadership. If it’s good you did it.  If it’s not good, they did it.
  4. Don’t ask for subordinate input.  If they knew anything of value, they’d be in higher positions. And if you need their opinion you’ll give it to them anyway.
  5. Never change your mind. You only need to decide once…. Since situations never change and making decisions is hard work…. Why should you work more than needed?  Once you decide, remain “the decider”.
  6. Flip-Flop Constantly. Reserve the right to change your mind…. early and often.  You need to consistently mix this trait with “Never change your mind”.  Keep ’em guessing.
  7. Don’t Say “Thanks”.  Your team should be grateful to be working with YOU. Not the other way around. They should be thankful to have a job at all.  Saying “Thanks” dilutes your power.
  8. Avoid ‘Hard’ Decisions. Avoid ‘tough’ conversations. If it isn’t pleasant, it’s not your job.  If you do unpleasant tasks your team may think less of you. You recognize popularity is a big deal.
  9. Reward Fluff. Ignore Substance.  What you reward, you get more of.  Your good performers will always provide substance without your input so you need to guarantee fluff by rewards.  Remember, fluff makes good headlines and attracts more positive attention which makes you look better.
  10. Promote “Kissing Up”.  You need to surround yourself with people who agree with you.  No one should question your almighty perceptions or ideas.  Questions lead to new ideas and thinking.  Nobody needs a thinker.  We need do-ers.  Doing without thinking is what got you here. Kissing up keeps this cycle in place.
  11. Transparency is for suckers.  You need to keep your ‘cards close to the vest’,  If anybody knows your business, then you don’t have any.  All leadership decisions and processes must remain closed.  Keep ’em guessing about your plans or vision or mission.  Remember the World War II adage:  “Loose lips sink ships.”
  12. Never worry about Trust.  You motto should be “Always Verify”.  Trust in your people shows weakness.  However, you must demand their trust.  Trust prevents passive aggressiveness and what fun would work be without that?  Sarcasm is the new wisdom. When they start showing trust use plenty of sarcasm to show them the error of their ways.

Hopefully you don’t see yourself in these… If you do, I hope you are willing to consider some growth….

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay