solutions

Why Failure is Good

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, police, problem solving, psychology, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

FailureChinese

Failure can be good for you.  I should know… I’ve done my share of it.

I didn’t always think this way.  I used to judge life by the success I achieved.   I even changed my definition of success  so I could enjoy more success and not have to admit my failures.

“If I learn something from any situation, the learning itself is a success”.       I told myself.

Because I decided to learn something from every situation I didn’t experience much I defined as “failure”.    And I may not have had the growth opportunities associated with failure.

Here are some of my “failures”:

I failed to retire from the US Air Force.  I served 12 years I only had 8 more years of active duty to retire.  Had I done that I would have a pension and health care for life.  Sure, I learned… but not getting a military retirement is a failure.

I failed to stay married.  I’ve been divorced twice.  Yep, I learned a lot from divorce…. But they were still painful…. And I think there are better ways to learn.

I never became a famous chef/restaurant owner.  I got out of the military and pursued my big dream.  I was gonna be the next Emeril Lagasse.   I opened a series of restaurants. I did well in my restaurants.  I earned over a million bucks a year.  And I had some local notoriety.  But my TV and cookbook deals never came.  I couldn’t even get Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives to come to my last joint….. And of course I learned….

I was a professional speaker, making a living talking and training.  I wrote a couple of books…. I even contracted as an adjunct college professors…. But I didn’t sustain my business after 9/11.  I packed it in and re-branded myself as a therapist.

I found some success as a therapist…. but the economic downturn “accelerated my learning” and I moved on….

Now I’m a street cop.  I was rejected for the first six additional duties I applied for.  The rejection is a great learning tool, but in reality I failed to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.  Yep… life is full of failures. And so am I….

I’ll tell you what failure is not:

  • Failure is not avoidable.

Failure is not something to be avoided. Denis Waitley says it’s “Fertilizer for success”.  No true success comes without significant failure.

  • Failure is not an event.

Failure, like life and success, is a journey.  There is not one defining circumstance that spells “failure” or “success”.  As long as we continue we have not failed.

  • Failure is not the enemy.

In fact, I’d recommend making failure a friend.

  • Failure is not irreversible.

One of the biggest failures in retail happened in 1985 when Coca-Cola changed the 99 year old recipe for Coke.  Consumers hated it. It only took the company 77 days to bring back and re-brand “Classic Coke”.   The executive that created the fiasco was fired.  And then re-hired  a few years later.

  • Failure is not final.

Failure is only final if you quit.

  • Failure is not a stigma.

Rather, I should say “Failure should not be a stigma”.  FedEx founder Fred Smith told about one of his execs making a $300,000.00 blunder in the early days of the fledgling overnight company.  The executive came in prepared to resign his position after the failure came to light.  Fred wouldn’t accept his resignation.  Fred said “No way I’m losing you, I just invested $300K in your education”

  • Failure is not the goal.

Although I’m coming to grips with the ups and downs in my path, I’m not on the hunt for my next “failure”.  What I do know is that the only person who doesn’t make mistakes (fail) is the person who doesn’t do anything.  And I’m not that guy.

Of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

 

 

 

Writer’s Block?

Jay Irvin humor, opinion, oregon , , ,

writer's block

I really shouldn’t write about “Writer’s Block”.

When I use this phrase it implies I’m a writer or I know something about writing…. Neither is true.  Yeah, I scratch out blog posts and try to put lucid words on virtual paper, but I’ve never been accused of being a writer.  Yet sometimes I think I have writer’s block.

“Write what pops into your head” was the advice one of my success coaches gave me years ago.  She suggested I capture those random thoughts and then shuffle through the ideas and find a theme.  EB White said “The best writing is rewriting”.   And I believe that…. It’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t wanna simply spit out incoherent ideas that have rattled around in my noggin like a radioactive walnut in a rusty soup can.  OK, maybe if you’ve read my work, you can dispute that…. But, I digress. I want to write ideas that may make life a tiny bit better in some way for somebody. Even if it’s only me.

In my life as a professional speaker and trainer I attended a workshop by the great David Rabiner.  David had two points to become a successful motivational speaker:

  1.  Don’t suck .
  2.  Have something important to say.

I’d like to think these pearls of wisdom will transfer to  writing as well.  I know it seems simplistic, but it’s true.  The first point of being technically proficient, is a big deal.  Unfortunately the only thing I know about grammar is that she was married to grampar.

Having something important to say is all in the mind of the listener or reader.  If you’re a Khloe Kardashian fan you may think her utterances are brilliant and she has something important to say….. For me, I had to Google her name to get it spelled right. I only use the name to comment on what is wrong with society celebrating celebrity for being famous without substance…. Or maybe I’m jealous.

I’ll let you decide if I have anything important to say….

So what that really means is:   Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

No Quick Fixes

Jay Irvin courage, growth, kids, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, parenting, police, problem solving, psychology , , , , , , , ,

KidTVNO

I knew American society was in trouble13 years ago when Dan Rather had an “in-depth” report on drugs in schools that lasted about 2 minutes.  I can’t write a synopsis to this article in 2 minutes, yet here is a major news icon probing an epic issue with a TV presence about the length of a couple of car commercials and calling it “in-depth”.  Yeah, right.

I think our fascination with believing complex problems can be solved or explained quickly goes back decades.

Our problem began in the 1950’s with the proliferation of television.  GI’s came back from World War II and began living the American dream.  They created suburbs, tract housing, the baby-boom, and bought TVs.  Boomers (as we are called) were born from 1946 -1964.  Being children of “the greatest generation” was lost on us for most of our lives.  We knew things our parents couldn’t have imagined (we thought).  We grew up as TV watchers and TV taught us everything we needed to know (we thought).

TV was more influential that society imagined. In the 1950’s most television programming was a spin-off of vaudeville.  Vaudeville was the primary entertainment media before radios and moving pictures.

The 1950’s TV reflected vaudeville values.  TV shows were a way to generate revenue from commercials through wholesome entertainment. Based on success of some shows (I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners)  TV writers created one hour format dramas and half hour format comedies.  The situation comedy was born.  Television was changed forever.

Sitcoms are designed to fit into a half hour time slot with 22 minutes of programming and 8 minutes of commercials.  The plots are usually thin with familiar characters in a familiar setting.  A show usually starts with a misunderstanding or problem (often cloaked in humorous or sarcastic dialogue), a comic interpretation of the problem, and the resolution of the misunderstanding or problem.  All within 30 minutes.

TV drama series weren’t different.  Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Kojak, Star Trek, Baretta, Streets of San Francisco… etc… All had a similar formula: problem,  plot complication, conflict, and resolution.

The tropes, wardrobes, lingo, and attitudes may have been different, but what didn’t change is the resolution of the problem in 30 – 60 minutes.  This subtle suggestion that complex human problems can be solved in 60 minutes crept into the subconscious mindset of most baby-boomers who were subjected to thousands and thousands of hours of this misinformation.

Resolving complex human issues in 30-60 minutes is an illusion.   So is television, but a child absorbing this information does not know what is real and what is illusory.  There’s the problem.  As we know intellectually, are very few quick-fixes for people problems.  We now have a generation of parents/grandparents/teachers/leaders who don’t recognize this. They want results NOW!  They want an “in-depth” analysis in 2 minutes.  They want a “quick fix”. And most of us have no idea where the internal sense of “I want it now” comes from.

As a generation we created faster everything: cars, bikes, clothing (wash & wear), Velcro, home appliances, microwaves.  We built speedier technology:  transistors over tubes,  calculators vs slide rules, the internet, facsimile machines,  mobile phones, computers, going to the moon, and more.  What we can’t do is solve complex societal issues or interpersonal problems through short cuts and technology.  Why?  Because you can’t fool mother nature.

Example: There is no short-cut to parenting.  Kids still go through developmental stages as they have for centuries. Technology can’t replace parental responsibility or human development.  TV isn’t a baby-sitter.

Example:  There is no short-cut to a good marriage.  Partners have to work together through issues.  Hurt feelings are not always cured in 30 minutes or less.  Technology can’t fix a failing marriage.

Example:  Farmers know you can’t fool mother nature.  If a farmer fails to prepare and plant the field there are no “hacks” to make crops grow.  There is a growing season and nature takes the time it takes.  If you harvest too soon the results are not good.  If you delay harvest the results are not good.  A farmer has to work at the speed of nature.  Period.

In contrast with nature, society moves faster as media speed increases.  Organic solutions do not get faster.  We can’t fix people problems in 30 minutes or less.  We’ve got to think like the  farmer… We have to work at the speed of nature.

There is no 2 minute “in depth” analysis.  There are highlights, talking points, main ideas… yes… But solutions go much deeper.  We need to forget about the quick fix when it comes to people problems.  In my job this is not a popular stance.  As a system we have to work on lasting solutions.

I’ve got some ideas to help move us through this problem…. What are yours?

  • Stop settling for the quick fix
  • Observe and understand nature
  • Become more mindful of what’s happening NOW
  • Think like a visionary… think long term… act that way
  • Stop, listen, learn, teach
  • Be patient with change
  • Remember humans are not technology

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

The Hardest Thing I Do

Jay Irvin growth, kids, leadership, oregon, parenting, police , , , , , , , ,

LostChild

If it comes up in conversation I usually say that my job isn’t hard. I explain I’m not paid for what I do… I’m paid for what I can do…  I’m a police officer working as a street cop in a medium sized city.

Whatever you think of police (and all the goofy negative press we’ve gotten recently) isn’t really any of my business.  My business is the “people” business.

Roughly 80% of what I do is engaging with and talking to people…. I help them find solutions for situations and crises that they don’t otherwise have solutions for.

The other 20% of what I do is:

  1. documenting what I did or did not do and
  2. training for what I do or do not do.

Like I said, it’s relatively an easy job.

I’ll admit, policing does have challenges:

  • Dealing with people on the worst day of their lives
  • Not having a “fix” when the public thinks I should have one
  • Being constantly targeted by real bad guys or people that would harm me because of my uniform
  • Being under a microscope 100% of the time
  • Either being run down by boredom or freaked out by extreme stress
  • Working shift work on a 24/7 clock (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc)
  • Being unable to be in all places at all times
  • Facing all the weather elements
  • Other drivers and traffic
  • Seeing things that can’t be ‘unseen’
  • Dealing with the seedy under-belly of society
  • And a 1,000 other challenges

But these are run-of-the-mill challenges.  The hardest thing I do is deal with kids.

Yesterday we responded to a fight in progress.  The caller reported two men fighting in the grass.  We found a father wrestling his 11 year old son to prevent the son from running away.  The boy was angry, sullen and almost non-communicative.  I thought he was mentally delayed or autistic.  He was not.  He’s just angry…. At 11 years old.  Dad, a non-English speaker, wanted the boy to go to a juvenile facility because of his aggression.  True, the boy was aggressive– he tried to kick and strike a police officer– but there is not a police solution for an 11 year old.

I could only wonder what issues created this aggression in the child.   As a father and an old guy, my heart was wrenching with his pain.  But there is no solution.  It was hard, but we finally got the conflict resolved for the moment….  Father and son climbed into the family van (where the rest of the family had been waiting for 90 minutes) and left back to a neighboring city where they reside.  It was hard to witness.

I got a call about a 13 year old who was ready to hang himself.  This was not the first suicide attempt…. He’d tried before at 11 years old…. but was unsuccessful.  There were marks on his young neck from the attempt 2 years ago.  Mom and step-dad were yelling when I arrived.  Yelling at each other and passive-aggressively including sniping remarks about the boy.   They were concerned about how much it was going to cost them because “he’s f***ing up again”.  I wanted to take them to jail…. but I couldn’t.  I drove the 13 year old to the hospital to get some help….. I checked back a couple of weeks later and the family moved out of town.  It was hard to not be able to follow through and help more.

My partner and I walked through the dark woods to a tree house about 200 yards from the home.  Up in the darkness was a 15 year old boy.  The tree house sat beside the creek and there was a rope swing across the creek.  The boy fashioned a noose out of the rope swing and had it around his neck.  He was gathering the courage to jump and end it all.  We were able to talk him out of the tree house to safety and get him help.  The hardest part was knowing how close we came to finding a dead 15 year old swinging in the darkness.  All because of parents selfish and ignorant rejection of his sexual identity and confusion.

A neighbor called in at 5:45am one morning…. Two kids (ages 5 and 3) were going from door to door knocking because they were afraid.  A rat ran through their apartment and there were no parents home.  I found the kids were alone since about 9:00pm the night before. Apparently this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.  Dad was off in another city on a construction job and mom had a new boyfriend.  Mom decided to leave a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy alone because she needed to spend time cheating on her husband with a new, more exciting man.  It took 10 hours to get mom to return the phone calls.  Child service workers, police detectives, even her husband tried to get her to call but she would not.  Yes, she was arrested, but it’s still hard to know these beautiful sweet kids probably don’t have a chance with a mom like this.

The 11 month old baby was alone screaming in the child seat in the back of the car.  As much as it disturbed me, I was happy to hear the child scream.  The child had wriggled around in the seat and she was close to getting her neck caught in the webbing of the car seat and seat belt.  Once caught in the webbing the child would have strangled. Then there would have been no screaming.  As officers broke into the car to rescue the baby I went into Macy’s to find a parent.   She was an apparently cosmopolitan mother who was “just making a return” on an item.  She was in the store almost 40 minutes (according to the security video I found) when she came shrieking out the door.   She saw all the police lights and activity around her car she was mortified… Not that she’d almost lost a child…But that we would take her baby out of the car….Apparently police were ‘interfering’ in her life.

A next-door  neighbor called because the kids across the hall weren’t in school.  I found 3 kids there.  They’d been alone 2 days.  They were 5, 8, and 11 years old.  The house was wretched, stinky, and unsafe.  There was fetid meat rotting on the counter top.  Flies, gnats, and maggots were buzzing and crawling in the over-flowing garbage can. Bags of rancid garbage sat beside the full canister. The kids hadn’t eaten in 2 days.  They had munched on dry cereal and tortilla chips. But the cereal and chips were all gone now.

I found fresh eggs and cheese in the fridge. I scrubbed a fry pan from the filthy sink.  And while my partner tried to find mom and I waited on child services to arrive, I cooked.  In my uniform, on a crud encrusted stove, in a nasty apartment I was a hero to 3 kids.  They were amazed that a man (much less a cop) could and would cook for them.  The kids ate a dozen cooked eggs with cheese.  With some coaching, the kids cleaned the apartment and took out the trash.  When mom was finally contacted she asked “What’s the problem?”  The hardest part was …. well you get the picture.

And the list goes on:   the 3 year old lost on a busy street…. the autistic girl wandering away from the park… the boy who hits his mother and aunt and is then beaten severely by dad….the 12 year old ‘fire bug’ who stole his grandpa’s lighter… or the girl smacked in the face with a wooden spoon (because she cried)…. or dozens of other stories… And knowing what I do makes only a little difference…..That is the hardest thing I do….

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Dirty Dozen Bad Leadership Ideas

Jay Irvin growth, humor, leadership, oregon , , , , , ,

bad-boss

There’s so much written on being a good leader, I thought I’d look at the other side of leadership.

So here goes.  Here’s my “Dirty Dozen” of poor leadership.

  1.  Remember intimidation is almost as good as leadership.  (And it’s quicker) Always keep ’em in their place. Never back down from letting them know who’s the boss.  “Because I said so” is a great refrain to keep this attitude going.  Challenge subordinates to “just try me” when they have a different opinion than you.
  2. Treat everybody the same.  You never have to understand differences between staff members.  You don’t have to gyrate your style to meet the needs of others, after all, you are the boss. They have to adapt to your style, not the other way around!
  3. Take credit for all success.  As the boss you are the reason there is success here anyway.  Remember everything rises on leadership. If it’s good you did it.  If it’s not good, they did it.
  4. Don’t ask for subordinate input.  If they knew anything of value, they’d be in higher positions. And if you need their opinion you’ll give it to them anyway.
  5. Never change your mind. You only need to decide once…. Since situations never change and making decisions is hard work…. Why should you work more than needed?  Once you decide, remain “the decider”.
  6. Flip-Flop Constantly. Reserve the right to change your mind…. early and often.  You need to consistently mix this trait with “Never change your mind”.  Keep ’em guessing.
  7. Don’t Say “Thanks”.  Your team should be grateful to be working with YOU. Not the other way around. They should be thankful to have a job at all.  Saying “Thanks” dilutes your power.
  8. Avoid ‘Hard’ Decisions. Avoid ‘tough’ conversations. If it isn’t pleasant, it’s not your job.  If you do unpleasant tasks your team may think less of you. You recognize popularity is a big deal.
  9. Reward Fluff. Ignore Substance.  What you reward, you get more of.  Your good performers will always provide substance without your input so you need to guarantee fluff by rewards.  Remember, fluff makes good headlines and attracts more positive attention which makes you look better.
  10. Promote “Kissing Up”.  You need to surround yourself with people who agree with you.  No one should question your almighty perceptions or ideas.  Questions lead to new ideas and thinking.  Nobody needs a thinker.  We need do-ers.  Doing without thinking is what got you here. Kissing up keeps this cycle in place.
  11. Transparency is for suckers.  You need to keep your ‘cards close to the vest’,  If anybody knows your business, then you don’t have any.  All leadership decisions and processes must remain closed.  Keep ’em guessing about your plans or vision or mission.  Remember the World War II adage:  “Loose lips sink ships.”
  12. Never worry about Trust.  You motto should be “Always Verify”.  Trust in your people shows weakness.  However, you must demand their trust.  Trust prevents passive aggressiveness and what fun would work be without that?  Sarcasm is the new wisdom. When they start showing trust use plenty of sarcasm to show them the error of their ways.

Hopefully you don’t see yourself in these… If you do, I hope you are willing to consider some growth….

And of course, Your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Why You Matter

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon, police, shootings , , , , , , ,

YouMatter

I’ve been noodling on the recent mass shootings. Like most people I’ve been trying to concoct some solutions to these horrors.  Like most people who’ve done this, I feel like I’ve  been banging my head on the wall.  As I’ve said before, I don’t have the answer…. But maybe I have a partial solution…. Maybe

Most of the recent shooters are male, disenfranchised, marginalized, and emotionally unstable.  You know that guy.  The one everybody avoids because he’s “weird”.  The one that has a hard time engaging in conversation and connecting with others.  Now I’m not saying all misfit loners are going to get a semi-automatic and start creating chaos…. Not by a long shot…. But….

I used to know that guy in school.  He was David.  David was the guy who was quiet in class… Drawing coffins and skulls and vampires in his notebook.  David always had a “weird” sense of humor.  He focused on the macabre and other-world stuff.  David was a bit of a geek.  David is the guy some suspected police would find murdered children under the floorboards of his kitchen when he was grown.  David didn’t have friends and was a loner. Other kids talked about him in ‘hushed tones’.  Kids can be cruel. Teachers can be even meaner. They weren’t so ‘hushed toned’ when it came to criticism of him.

David was a pudgy, wire-haired kid who was in-the-closet gay.  This was the early 1970’s and it was also the south.  Gay wasn’t accepted, much less celebrated.  If I remember correctly David presented as more confused sexually than gay.  He was supposed to like girls, but that never clicked for him.  But he couldn’t like boys either, that was forbidden.  It was something we never discussed.

These were the days before Dungeons and Dragons,  LARP, or Star Wars. There was no cable TV, no Sci-Fi channel and of course, no internet.  We only had black rotary phones and 3 television stations.

If he was in school today he’d probably lean toward the “goth” or “zombie” kids. And he might have been too shy to associate with them.

David was also my cousin.  We were related and I was expected to associate with him in school.  I wasn’t a popular kid either.  I was 6’0″, skinny, gangly, be-speckled, a bit of an egg-head/nerd, and socially inept.  But David was family and I had an obligation (based on my parents expectations) to befriend David. So I did.

In the beginning I had lunch with David about every other day.  After a few weeks a couple more boys joined the table and we had lunch everyday together.  There at the table were four misfits talking about what adolescent boys talk about.  For us it was tractors and motorcycles and NASCAR and trying to make some money from part-time jobs and laughing about ole Mrs Hackney sleeping in class and fart jokes.  David, Randy, Eddie, and I;  Unlikely associates at best… Definitely not a cool kids club.

David grew up and became a mortician. He was more comfortable around those who did not judge or make fun of him.  Later, he was a respected funeral director and eventually came out of the closet.  He had a loving partner for 20+ years and died an untimely death at 50 due to a heart attack.  There were no dead children under his kitchen floorboards.

Randy’s dreams of being a great FFA agriculturalist crumbled and he eventually became a supervisor in an industrial plant. He married (against all odds) and raised a family.  He has 4 grand-kids now and hopes to retire at 68.  He owns his house, his truck, his garden, and a boat.  Only 13 more years to retire and enjoy it all.

Eddie wanted to be a famous motocross rider and loved American motorcycles.  When he was 13 he scored an Indian trail bike.  Eddie died on his Harley in a motorcycle crash at age 24.

I became what and who I am.

None of us fulfilled the negative expectations of our parents or teachers or peers.  All of us turned out OK.  Why? Maybe because we had people we connected with.  Even if it was an unlikely connection, originally forced by my parents. Maybe because we knew we were all different and didn’t fit in (kinda like all teens), but found a place to fit.

And maybe this is a partial solution to the present-day shooter situation. Maybe, if we engage one loner;  if they feel the connection we offer; maybe we can prevent one casualty.  Maybe.

Maybe they are weird and maybe they rebuff our attempt at human connection.  But what could be the pay off?  Is it possible we could prevent/abort/stop a mass shooting before it occurs?  Maybe, just maybe.   Like I said, It’s a long shot.

It’s time we get from behind our smartphones and tablets and ‘business’ and connect with another human.  Go out of your way to connect with a live human.  It will not be comfortable at first…. And parents, it’s time we teach our children to engage with others; And not just on social media… Teach them to connect even to the different kids…. You know, the marginalized ones.

Know, as you connect with these people, you’re planting seeds of kindness that may grow to something more valuable.  It doesn’t take an education. It doesn’t take money.  It doesn’t take a great sacrifice on your part.  What it does take is a small decision to help change things where and when you can.  And if you detect some threat, call for help.  The more we connect and know, the better we become as a society.

All I’m saying is you can make a difference.  And that’s why You matter!

And as always:  Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

All Hail the Gatekeeper

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, police , , , , , ,

Gatekeepers are vital as standard bearers.  Good ones keep the standards high and insure consistent realization of organizational goals.  Bad gatekeepers can be an organization’s worst nightmare. I hope you don’t know any.

Good gatekeepers are as vital as good leadership.  Leaders base their decisions and vision on the information and resources at hand. Gatekeepers often provide that information and those resources. Gatekeepers are in positions of trust and sometimes leaders delegate decisions to gatekeepers to keep an organization running smoothly.  Intentionally or not, gatekeepers filter or color the information and resources that are available to the decision makers. Gatekeeping is a powerful position.

Was it the New Testament that said “With great power comes great responsibility”?  No, wait, that was Cliff Robinson as Uncle Ben in Spider-Man.

A couple of years ago we lost the chief of our organization because of “bad gatekeeping”.  I don’t think anybody else used that phrase, but this is what happened.  The boss wouldn’t allow any information to go to his boss unless it went through him.  He was a bad gatekeeper to the city manager (his boss). Our ex-chief set the example for bad gatekeeping to his supervisors and leadership team. He tolerated, encouraged, and rewarded the tenets of bad gatekeeping.

Eventually the city manager saw the damage the chief was doing to the organization.  The city manager fired him (again, they used a different term).

The chief’s bad gatekeeping practice destroyed morale, stifled creativity, caused conflict, created turnover, prevented forward growth, stopped communication, caused lawsuits, created a culture of distrust, and created a culture of “yes-men”. Our organization didn’t crumble, but it was close.  It’s been almost 3 years since that departure and the organization is not yet healed.

Bad gatekeeping  tenets are displayed in many ways:

  • Hiring form over function
  • Value style over substance
  • Keeping a “cool kids club” alive
  • Not allowing dissenting ideas
  • Discouraging “out of the box” collaboration
  • Using “know you/like you” as a main criteria for advancement
  • Refusing to allow/appreciate criticism
  • Never (rarely) admits making errors or mistakes (doesn’t tolerate those who do)
  • Have only ONE way to get results
  • Making all (important) decisions go through them
  • Can’t or won’t delegate anything but the most trivial items
  • Holding grudges or personal agendas
  • Develop personal insecurities
  • Find quick fixes without addressing the real issues

Many of the negative stereotypes of bad bosses can be encapsulated as “bad gatekeeping”.  Bad gatekeepers learn from their bosses.  If they violate the tenets of doing what the boss wants, there is “hell to pay”.  One of the lessons that sent a chill through our organization was the demotion of a Commander to Lieutenant because the demoted party violated several “bad gatekeeping” tenets of the now-fired Chief.  The Commander didn’t do “wrong” but the message was clear to the rest of the organization:  “Be a ‘yes man’, never offer anything that could be construed as criticism, don’t disagree, or suffer consequences”.

Good gatekeepers are almost the opposite.  They:

  • Welcome/allow/encourage criticism and negative feedback
  • Delegate and hold themselves and others accountable
  • Know they are fallible
  • Admits/allows mistakes– use mistakes as a learning platform
  • Know that questions build strength
  • Hire/promote substance with style
  • Promote relationships and transparency
  • Allow “team” think
  • Very secure in who they are and what they do
  • Seek long term solutions

An encouraging turn of events is that this Lieutenant was bruised, but not destroyed because of the horrible demotion.  The Lieutenant stayed true to “good gatekeeping” principles and continues making a positive difference.

This isn’t a diatribe about a specific bad gatekeeper I have encountered or observed.  Personally I like the ex-chief– (He hired me; he took a chance on an old guy)…  But I do wish those entrusted with leading and gatekeeping had values similar to good gatekeeping.  I wish I didn’t see it as a system problem and could just “blame” one individual.  I can’t.

My hope is these “bad gatekeepers” think they are “just doing the right thing”…  I hope they think that….. Otherwise their decisions would make them a force for evil, not just making misguided decisions.  It has to be misguided… Anything else would break my heart.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

It’s Not My Fault!

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, oregon, police , , , , ,

If I earned a nickel every time I heard somebody dodge responsibility, I’ve have a nice chunk of change.

In my previous life I was a therapist.  One of the reasons I stopped being a therapist was so many clients needed help yet never benefited from therapy because they refused to take personal responsibility. It was usually someone else’s fault (mother, father, boss, genetics etc.)  One of the mandatory prerequisites for mental health is personal responsibility. Assume responsibility for your life now and for your response to the “cards you’ve been dealt”.

A weight-loss client called me the day after his first session and said :

“That stuff doesn’t work.  I went home and ate a carton of ice cream. If you were any good as a therapist, I wouldn’t have been able to do that.  I want my money back”

I was flabbergasted…. And I sent him a refund. Amazingly, he called and tried to make another appointment, but I declined.

And there is no shortage of denying personal responsibility in my current job as a police officer either.

The first time I heard “These aren’t my pants” from an arrestee (after finding narcotics in his pants pocket), I laughed out loud. I thought that this denial of responsibility was police lore, but since then I’ve heard it at least a dozen times.  I stopped a guy for driving and gabbing on his cell phone.  His response “But they called me”.  An engineer said his job kept him too busy to renew his vehicle registration… “It’s not my fault… It’s my boss” he plead.

A buddy from another city called me to ask how to get out of a photo-ticket.  I encouraged him to just take responsibility for it (if it was him) and pay the ticket.  My neighbor wanted to know the secret to “talking your way out of a speeding ticket”… I told her “Don’t speed”.  A former neighbor texted me after being arrested for shoplifting…. I texted back “take your lumps”.

It seems to be human nature to minimize our culpability in situations when there are consequences.  We are in a “denying responsibility” culture.  Charles Sykes encapsulated it in his title “A Nation of Victims”.

Responsibility is like a coin.  There are two sides.  There is the positive side– Responsibility (taking credit, standing up for your actions, duty); And the negative side– Fault (blame, liability, impeachment, indictment).  But like all things, responsibility is neither all bad nor all good.  There are grey areas.

For me, I like to focus on expanding my positive responsibility.

An interesting concept is how responsibility is actually assumed or how it actually transfers.  In my classrooms I conducted an experiment.  I’d place a $20.00 bill folded over a prop at the front of the room and ask a simple question “Who is responsible for the $20.00 bill?”

I’d hear various responses:

  • “You are”
  • “The US Mint”
  • “Whoever paid your salary”
  • “The bank”
  • “The government”
  • “We are”

Then I’d add another $20.00 on top of the first one and ask “Who is responsible for the $40.00 at the front of the room?”

The answers would continue. The frustration in the room would grow.  I’d continue to add $20.00 bills until there were 10 or so, repeating the same question. “Who’s responsible for the cash at the front of the room?”

I’ve done this experiment over 300 times.  The experiences in the rooms are almost identical.  Some students don’t have much enthusiasm in the beginning…. But when more and more cash is added, the enthusiasm (and frustration) rises.  I usually continue until every attendee is engaged.

After there is some frustration built I ask if they’d like to see how it “works”.  There is usually a group “YEAH”.  I then walk over to the cash take it from where it is and put it in my pocket and say “Responsibility only transfers when somebody takes action”….. Then I ask, “Who wants to play the game again?”

There are several reasons the attendees don’t move:

  • They didn’t know the rules  (I never explained how the game was played)
  • They were afraid of failing (I wouldn’t give them the money)
  • They were afraid of consequences (They think it would be stealing to get free money)
  • They submitted to peer pressure/societal norms (Nobody else moved, so they stayed still.)
  • They didn’t have permission (Either implied or express permission)

But some attendees do eventually get up and walk towards getting the money!  The number of people who actually take action is less than 1/2 of 1%.  About 1 out of every 250 attendees.

Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from this:

“Responsibility NEVER transfers until someone TAKES ACTION”

If you want more responsibility in an area— start taking action.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

What Keeps You Up At Night?

Jay Irvin growth, hypnosis, leadership, mindfulness, opinion, oregon , , , , , ,

I am an excellent sleeper.  Some people are good at different things.  I’m good at sleeping.  I was surprised to learn that about 20 – 30% of the US population have problems going to and staying asleep.  As a result about 1 out of 5 Americans sought medical treatment for insomnia.

Insomnia is no small matter.  Medical doctors and other practitioners who study sleeping issues (sleep specialists) treat over 60 million Americans annually.  This epidemic comes at a total cost of over $63.2 billion every year. This figure includes lost productivity, employee turnover, accidents, and opportunity lost as well as the cost of medical treatment.

Physically, to sleep, one must change brain waves from the Beta state (14-30 Hz per second) to Alpha state (7-13 Hz per second) to Theta state (3-7 Hz per second) to Delta state (.5-3 Hz per second).  Brain waves are measured electronically by the patient wearing a skull cap connected to an electroencephalograph (EEG).

EEGEEGMachine

In normal sleeping patients the transition from Beta to Alpha to Theta and Delta comes naturally.  To those with sleep issues there is no normal transition.  Here’s some good news:  There are alternatives to medication and sleep aids. Going to sleep can be improved by practice!  Meditation, yoga, mindfulness and self-hypnosis are all ways to practice and improve changing brain wave states.

Let’s look at the sleep brain wave states and consider some behaviors associated with these brain wave states:

Beta wave state:

  • Walking around
  • Moving
  • Thinking
  • Normal waking state

Alpha wave state:

  • Light relaxation
  • Daydream state
  • Childlike state
  • Focused tasks
  • Visualizations
  • Light hypnosis

Theta wave state:

  • Meditation state
  • Deep hypnosis
  • REM sleep
  • Lucid or waking dreams
  • Light sleep

Delta wave state:

  • Deep sleep
  • Hypnotic “coma”
  • Somnambulist sleep (sleep walking)
  • Physical healing sleep

Aside from the practical side of getting good sleep (feeling better, being more alert, doing a better job, being a better parent/ boss/worker) there are other concerns. Sleep specialist say that a sleep deprived driver is as dangerous as a drunk driver! The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates there are over 100,000 crashes related to sleep deprivation every year.  This caused an estimated 1550 deaths and 71,000 injuries at a price tag of over $12 billion per year (in a recent study).

Better sleep improves relationships with customers, clients, and bosses (or employees).  Better sleep helps us think creatively to solve problems easier.  Creativity keeps us from becoming bored or “stale” on the job.  Better sleep improves memory.  We show more compassion and care more when we are well rested.  Better sleep can even improve your ability to be a better lover!

Here’s an interesting thought– Every night when you lie down for sleep and every morning when you wake up you’re coming through each successive brain wave state to the other.  If you’re sleeping at all, you’re already doing this (unless of course there is a medical condition or significant sleep medications).  Here’s an example you may recognize.  You’ve been trying to remember an old high school teacher’s name… But you can’t.  Then as you’re just about to go to sleep, the name pops into your head!  You’ve relaxed from the Beta brain wave to the Alpha brain wave and you remembered better.  Or you often have “an epiphany” in the shower (as you’re up and getting ready)….  In the shower, sometimes, we are not yet fully awake but are still in the Alpha brain wave state and are “more creative”.  Imagine being able to change brain wave states at will.

You can sleep better.  You can practice to learn to sleep better.  Find a local yoga or mindfulness or meditation instructor and see how your sleep, your productivity, and your creativity can improve.

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Dr Jay

Let it Be Easy

Jay Irvin growth, leadership, opinion, oregon, writing , , , , , ,

easybutton

I’ve been writing pithy vignettes with learning or growth insights for more than 10 years.  I have no idea if they’re valuable to anyone other than me.

The narcissist in me wants to believe it’s all about me, of course.  They ‘way-shower’ part of me thinks it’s about leading others.  The father in me thinks it’s about legacy.  The therapist part of me thinks it therapeutic.  The rigid disciplinarian thinks it’s about the regime and the discipline it takes.

My wife told me “That stuff sure comes easy to you”.   I bristled when she said that. I’ve never felt that way.  Ease wasn’t part of my vernacular when it came to writing.  The Puritan ethos I absorbed as a child placed more value on “hard work” and “working for what you earned”.  Easy was almost a dirty word.  I didn’t value what “comes easy”.

There are things that “come easy” to me.  I can stand in front of a crowded room and speak with almost no effort.  I can visualize building projects without blueprints.  I have a good ear for music and language.  I can easily distinguish Spanish from Portuguese (and I speak neither).  I can create conversation with almost anybody.  Cooking with no recipe is easy for me.  Still, I don’t value that which “comes easy”.

Ten years ago I went to an advanced hypnotherapist training (then located in Santa Fe, NM). I’d never studied existentialism in much detail.  There, at the Academy, I spent six months of 40 hour weeks immersed in new thought, yoga, meditation, humanistic existentialism, clinical practice, and “hypno-thinking”.  It was good for me.

I remembered a meditation/hypno session with one of my instructors.  The theme was “walking through open doors”.  The sub-theme was “let it be easy”.   The lesson was that doors open and we walk through them with little effort.  There are paths in the universe that are open to us and life doesn’t have to be a struggle.  We can reduce strife by going through the open door and allowing life to happen.  Stop worrying about “making it happen” and trust the path you’re on.

Intellectually I understand this thinking.  I know we have no control over that which is external to us and the only control we have in life is our response (or reaction).  My guts, however, do not agree.  My guts revert back to “narrow is the way that leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matt. 7:13).  As a child I learned that the “easy” path was wrong and the ‘good’ path was hard and strident and challenging.  There seemed to be little ease on the ‘good’ path.  Damn my guts.

Actually there is no discrepancy between the Bible phrase and existentialism.  There are actually few people who “let it be easy” and find the ‘good’ path.  Most people lead with their wounds and fears and scars and disappointments and strife and blah blah blah.  Being on the narrow path that leads to a fuller life is a choice… a choice to “let it be easy”.

Now I know these pithy writings are really lessons to me…. Hopefully you enjoy them too.

And my retort to my wife was “There is no writing… it’s all re-writing. And re-writing is easy”

Of course, your mileage may vary

Dr Jay